Where Did I Go?

I feel like this...

most of the time.




I move through the motions of every day; mostly in silence. The only conversations I have are the ones playing through my head. I have become reclusive on some level. I no longer turn on the television for morning news & entertainment provided by our over-zealous weather folks, I don't turn on the radio in the car, other than "good morning" and "good night", and the work-related necessary exchange of words with my co-workers ~ I don't engage in any form of real conversation with the people I spend 8 hours with, 5 days a week. I don't turn on the TV at night, I don't send emails or make phone calls. There never seems to be anything to say that someone would relate - to or understand. I had a conversation with each of my brothers (2) in the last 2 days - I realized that I haven't talked to them (really talked) in probably a month. My sister lives with me.. the words escape me most times. My closest friends stand back waiting for me to step forward "when I'm ready"...I feel glued in place.

I've lost my 'skip', my energy, my motivation, my joy, somewhere over the past 5 1/2 months. Try as I might I just can't get it back. I go into my own head to figure out what I'm thinking...what's the problem? ..it's empty up there! There's no thought, no irrational/rational flood of emotions, no grief, no anger, no fear, no sadness, no happiness, no joy, no nothing.  I'm not anxious over my parents' deaths or deployment anymore - it is what it is ~ I just deal one moment, one day at a time. I seem to just hover above my life..just watching and observing through glass. I recognize that I have got to get back in the game of my life...I really do...but there seems to be an invisible barrier that I keep bumping into.

I feel ashamed that I'm not taking better care of the life my parents gave to me...the life that my husband and I built together. To waste these days and not live them to their fullest is such an injustice to them! Yet, I feel like a loser when I talk to my husband and he asks what new/what's going on... I say nothings new..nothings going on. Because I get up and walk like a ghost, through the empty halls of my now life every day...there is truly nothing new. I should make something new...I should do so many things that I want to do - have the greatest intentions to do.  I long to have my life back on track and living it...why can't I get "Me" back? I actually miss Myself!

I think I may be stuck between Life and Death...Love and Grief...Living and just Existing.
I hate this!
Where am I?