My 4th...

I woke at 4:15am this morning ..reached out to find my husband, I was greeted by a cold, lonely and empty side of the bed. How many nights have I done that now...84? 85? His side is never uncovered - I don't sleep there, I don't migrate there. The emptiness of deployment washed over me in the wee hours of the morning - it drug me into the abyss of sadness. I reached for my cell phone and emailed my husband a message: "It's 4:25am. I miss snuggling up behind you. I love you". At 4:31am Rich wrote back: "I know my dear! I miss being there for the snuggle".

I wrestled with sleep for an hour before dozing for another hour. I finally got up and 'around' around 7:30am and set out to cut the grass. Already feeling the impact of my day without Rich, I burst into tears in my backyard when I couldn't get the riding mower to crank. I have no idea what I was doing wrong. So I push-mowed through the tears and cursing. More tears and profanity filled the quietness of the neighborhood when I couldn't crank the weed-eater. I soaked (and cried) my way through a bath. In deep sadness I felt anger rise within me. Angry that it was a another weekend alone, angry that Rich was gone, angry that there is such thing as war and deployment, angry that my parents died and left me knowing I would be alone, angry that I was crying...

I cleaned house and sat alone 85 percent of  my day - at my own choosing. My daughter and her husband set out on a month-long adventure out West this afternoon. I'd grown used to them living with me and of being strengthened by Kelley's strength - more tears, more sadness.

How much more lost can I handle? I'm not sure now.

Here it's 8:45pm and I'm in bed..typing..listening to backyard fireworks begin down the hill...I want to run down the hill and tell them to stop shooting fireworks...stop celebrating ..stop pretending you know what it took from Soldiers and Families for them to be free..what it still costs...stop...just stop.