Broken Promises to Myself

There's still snow on the ground; there is no indication that it has begun to melt anywhere. As I drove to work this morning sparkles to my left along the tree line caught my attention. Ice in the trees from another old evening. The ice .... twinkled. It was beautiful how it covered each individual branch. That "twinkling" reminded me of my Mother - how she loved things that sparkled, twinkled and shined. Along that route in to town my heart became heavy with longing for her. I began to cry.

When the new year rolled around I promised myself that I would not think so much about my Mom and Dad. I promised myself that I would go into 2011 and leave the loss and grief behind me and not dwell. I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to think about them being gone or to think about them at all, lest I become sad, and that I would force myself to not miss them so much. I promised myself that I would begin this year on a fresh note...no grief...no sadness..no going back to 2010 where I spent a lot of time in grief.

I promised myself that I would blog less about my Mom and Dad, that I wouldn't FB about feeling lost, sad or any emotion relating to them or their deaths. There are people (yes, I know that you think this), that feel it's been long enough and I shouldn't be sad anymore, that I should be 'over it' by now. But, I've played your their  game and pretended just to make you them feel better...because it makes you them uncomfortable...because you've they've still got your their parent/parents...because you they can't relate - not really...but I pretend for you them anyway.

The truth is that even when I made myself promises - I knew I couldn't keep them. The truth is that I do miss my parents every single day. The wound still feels fresh; some days fresher than others but it's still open. It still hurts and it's still makes me sad. Underneath my smile and my laughter lurks the sting. Memories are evil when it comes to grief - you have no idea. It's a double-edge sword to the heart. On one side I smile at something I remember about them..at other times something so random - like ice in the trees- will remind me and my resolve crashes again.

I broke promises to myself and I let a memory catch me. As hard as I've tried to run from it...it caught me by the heart, by the throat, by the brain this morning. I'll stuff it back down and carry on throughout my day...just like every day...I'll wipe my own tears and make another promise.