The Fight Within

(Note: This is lengthy and Spiritually-related)

Losing my parents (within days of each other) 14 months ago, just as my husband started pre-deployment training and then deployment through me into a life of existence that I didn't recognize. It was like driving down an unfamiliar road, in the pitch of dark, only to find it was a dead end with no where to turn around. Everything that I KNEW in my life became fuzzy. I wasn't "me' anymore but someone that I couldn't recognize. My faith, once strong, was broken. I felt no hope, only grief and isolation. I cried in longing for my Mama and Daddy, I cried  in longing for my husband...the three solid pillars of my life. As time went on, I hardened my heart to stop the continual wave of grief and sadness that seemed to be rising again and again...every single day. I became hallow inside. Words escaped me and I could do nothing more than just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. I resolved to accept and support my husband and deployment - after all...it couldn't be changed, it was what it was. But, I became angry with God for taking my parents when He did; how could he do this to me? Why would he strip me and leave me (essentially) alone? I had been faithful to Him and His Word. What a fool I had been.

I let bitterness rule over me for 11 months...it fed on itself and I remained empty. It took me 9 months to pray again and then they were full of anger. The words that came would have horrified the 'me' I used to be...but that's all I could offer. I certainly didn't feel like I had anything to say that God would want to hear; after all, didn't he turn his back on me in my darkest hours? Hadn't he stripped me and left me laying broken? For what? Was it to clear the way for me to focus on Him? How cruel and unjust is that? It made no sense to me.

A month ago - maybe a little more - I realized that I didn't like the bitter soul that I was becoming. I no longer recognized myself and I just got ot the point where I couldn't live with the person bitterness and anger turned me in to. I felt so isolated and lonely that death itself couldn't make me feel better if I had that choice to make. I went back to church for the first time in years. Went back to the foundation that I knew - what more did I have to lose? What would I have to gain? My first visit was not a pleasant time. The bitterness inside ruled the service and I felt like I was a prisoner trying to dig my way out of a prison tunnel with the dull end of a toothbrush. Visits 2 and 3 were not much better, but they certainly weren't worse. Although, where I used to sing well and joyfully, I was unable to sing a note. The music and words inside where gone...silenced. After a few weeks I tried to sing but nothing remotely in tune came out - it was pitiful. I would open my mouth to sing praise and nothing would come out. I was pitiful and yet, still didn't know how to get out of my self-imposed isolation.

I couldn't even find the words to talk to anyway about how I felt because those around me couldn't truly understand; as no one I knew had gone through what I did. How could they be of any comfort?

Several weeks ago I began to pray in honesty again for others...some read my blog...some I read their blog. I began to pray for my family again, my husband and my children, my brothers and my sister. I didn't pray for 'me'...what could I pray for? I admitted the shame of my bitterness but not to for help to let it go. Deep down I guess I knew/know that if I let the bitterness go that I would be face-to-face with the rawness of grief again and I just couldn't/can't go there again. It truly is so painful that words just can't describe.

I spent part of my weekend at a women's conference all centered around being a Godly wife and mother. While it was a great event there was only one testimony that spoke to me..to my heart. There was a woman that was honest to share that she had become bitter with her child and God for something that happened many years ago. Her bitterness manifested itself inside her body in such a painful way that she eventually could  not function in her daily life. When she realized that she was bitter - something she didn't recognize in herself - she began the process of letting it go. I sat there and found myself praying that I could have her strength to just let it go. To let go of being angry with God. To let go of the unholy thoughts I had let dwell in me...that God is cruel. He doesn't care. He just left me...alone ...at a time that I needed Him the most. That to let go and let God would cause me to relive the grief I had tried to hide away,  just to make it through each and every day.

I left the conference today knowing that I have to face the demons that have been waging war inside of me, with my spiritual side, for so long. I can't do it alone and I have to find the words and strength to take on the battle ahead of me before I can truly rest and find peace and joy again.

I wish I could write that I found that closure afterwards and I have it all back together (spiritually) again...that I'm 'there'. I'm not. I admit that I'm afraid to let down my guard. I'm afraid to trust in God again. I'm afraid to feel the grief again. I am probably at mile 35 of a 50 mile trip and the next 10 miles are all uphill carrying the heaviest load of burden you can ever imagine. The first 35 were tough but this load is heavier than before.

One step, right?

Peace, Love and....