4:15am

I told myself last night:

"Self, you are getting your ass up in the morning and going to the gym! Yes, ma'am - no excuses..your butt is getting bigger every single day - you are going to the gym and getting back into the groove! Since your surgery you have lost your motivation..afraid of 'hurting' yourself..you've become a chickenshit about tearing something and a weeny when it hurts. You've become weak, with a size 10 waist and a size 12 butt! Your self-esteem is plummeting and your focus on good health has become hazy. Your edge has dulled! You are GETTING UP!!"

4:15am the alarm goes off. I spend a few minutes weighing my options.

Option 1: Get up, get dressed and get going!!!!

Option 2: Stay in the warm, warm bed next to my husband

I took Option #2

I'm such a Loser!

It was Just a Dream

I dreamt of my Mother last night.

In my dream I was in a room. This room reminded me of a 3-D Imax theatre with a movie happening around me. All of my Mother's brothers and sisters were taking their seat together. I felt like maybe gathering for a funeral but I couldn't be sure. But each one came in and took their seat. I stood close to the screen and just watched ~ and scanned the faces looking for my Mother..she wasn't there.

Just as I was about to give up hope I see her - the back of her at first as she walks by me to take her seat. She's wearing a fitted white dress, it's short with long sleeves. Simple but elegant. Mother's hair is cut short in a crop and it is white/blonde. She is 40 years younger - she looks like pictures I have seen of her in her younger years and I was a little girl. I wait for her to turn around so I can see her face just to know that she was my Mother, even though I know it's her.

Oh, Mama... I miss you so much.

She sits on the front row, on the end...closest to me. I want to touch her but it's a movie. I move closer to the screen so I am so close to her that I just know I could touch her. I need to touch her. I walk toward the screen and then into the scene. I kneel at her feet and throw my arms around her and cry. Just cry and hold on for dear life.

Then I wake.

And I cry.

Peace.

Life in the Fast Lane...

I was driving into work this morning...listening to the radio. The song that came on is the same one that seems to come on every single morning. I'm sick of hearing it so I change the station - there's too much talking on that one..change again ~ ugh, I need some life in my morning! Then it hits me...I have just the right music to lift my mood on this cloudy day..........

My guys...my band...
ahhhh..

The Eagles!

I pop them in and immediately my mood is high and I can't help buy sing and rock to "Life in the Fast Lane"! Who does not love the Eagles?? I jammed, in only the way a child of the 70's/80'2 can (a little air guitar, head bouncing, a little shoulder action, some awesome in-the-car singing), to them all the way to work. What a feeling of refreshment those 20 minutes were and what a difference in my day it makes as they waft through my computer at this minute.

And BONUS...I read where they are doing a 40th Anniversary Tour in 2012!!

Shout Out: RICH RICHARDSON.....I WANT to go and see them!!

You can keep you Gaga..your Beiber..your rap/hip hop...none of that is music. It's just noise!

Okay. show's over..back to work!

Peace!

The Day the Music Died..

Last night my Honey and I sat down, cold brew in hand, and watched the AMA (American Music Awards). While some of the artists we liked (Maroon 5 ~ minus Christina Aguilera, Daughtry)..they all just about sounded the same by the end of the show. Especially every single rapper...all sounded the exact same and I couldn't make out one single word.

 There's not any individuality in music anymore. Music has become all about the show...not the words...not the meaning.Maybe it's just because we are children of the 70's/80's music...back when music marked moments in time and time marked moments in music. Back to a musical era that is still played again and again today ~ admit it...you can't help but rock along to Warrant's "Cherry Pie" or "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue.

Today's music...is just about down right irritating. So much so that during some of the performances last night I begged my husband to change the channel until the artist was done. My husband kept asking...where are the Ozzy's of the music world now...where are the Judas Priests? I would have even taken a few Journey's or Bon Jovi wannabes! And the last act...it was just a bazaar rediculous mess..

If last night was an indication of today's music..music as I know it has truly died.

:o(

Break is Over

So I took a few days away from Blogging and Facebooking..just to breath without any expectations. It was a nice cyber vacation. There was, and still is, so much twirling around inside my head that there just wasn't room in there to deal with the emotions and petty-shit of other people.

It's been a tough week that was sparked off by a phone call that took me back to a time when my parents were alive and then forward to when they weren't. As much as I have learned (or tried) to block grief and thinking about them, there is always a trigger lurking out there to drag me under. I  miss them so much...every single day. It's been almost two years..two years...two years. And yet there are days and moments that it feels like it was just yesterday and my heart feels ripped open and exposed all over again. The mental and physical pain feels overwhelming.

I'm trying to shake the darkness of grief away... it's taking one minute at a time. The time between Nov and New Years will also bring me to my knees because it reminds me of the best of time and then the worst of time.

Peace.

Social Media Blackout..

Maybe it the sleep that I didn't get last night...at all. Maybe it's feeling like crap because I didn't go to the gym because I was exhausted from being awake ..all...night...long. Maybe it's the emotional struggle that this time of year brings to me ~ the memories and the sadness. Maybe it's being in a severe work funk that is depleting my brain cells at a rapid rate. Or it could be that I'm just tired and do not want to deal with it ~ whatever "it" happens to be.  It could be the depression that I feel creeping up on me and the internal fight to keep it away. maybe my awesomeness needs to be recharged.

But, I'm taking a Social media break. No Facebook, no Blogging. For how long? Could be a day..a week...who knows.

I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of trying to think of something witty, awe-inspiring and generally interesting to say...to anyone. I have begun to bore myself beyond consciousness and if I feel that way then I can only imagine what my friends, family and blog/FB friends must think.

For those that want to keep in touch..email me for my cell number and we can be text-buddies. Otherwise, I will return!

So....Later!

Peace!

Ugh...

I

Hate

my

Job

!

One Choice...One Decision

I had a conversation with my daughter and son-in-law at dinner last night about where we are right this moment in our lives is exactly where we are supposed to be (Beau said that and it makes so much sense). Taking it a little further, looking back over my life (our lives), it's amazing to see that if just one thing changed at any point in time, by just a minute...our lives wouldn've been different in some major way.

Life is about choices ~ good or bad, but choices just the same.

I have made choices and have sometimes choosen wrong ~ or so I thought.

The is a reason for choosing 'wrong', it puts you on the path you were meant to be on.

When my children were small I made a horrible decison that impacted our lives in such a frightening way... but then that bad choice led to another choice to pick up the phone and make a call. That good choice brought us to NOW and the the awesome lives we live today.

We all have a choice to change our future,

our perspective,

our lives.

It just takes that one single decision to go left, right

or

straight ahead.

To do this or not..

to say something

or

remain silent.

To choose.

It's all about choices.

Peace.