'Twas the Blog After Christmas

Part 1:
The week that I dread all year has begun..my own private Hell week. It began yesterday, Dec. 28th and runs through Jan. 3rd and represents every thing associated with my Mom and Dad's deaths 2 years ago. Yesterday I woke up irritable as the anxiety started to build and I was faced with the last day of my Mother's life. Today, 2 yrs ago..she unexpectedly died. Last night the 24 hours before and after her death ran through my head like a projector strip on auto replay. Again and again the visions and sounds haunted me, forcing me to go back to those days of despairing loss ~ they will continue through Dad's death on Dec. 31. When the final scene of their burial is played, the curtains will be drawn again.

But, don't worry...you won't see me cry. I promise not to talk about it because I know how it makes people uncomfortable. I'm actually not depressed, or overwhelmingly despondent, or unhappy...just heavy-hearted.

Part 2:
We flew the West Coast kids home for the holidays. It went as I expected - no better than or worse than..but just as I expected.Whether it's here in the South or in the West, it all plays out the same. In this film I play the role of the hostess..the maid..the hired help - cooking, cleaning, making sure every one has what they need for comfort and convenience, and all the while making sure to stay out of the scene. When I wander onto the set to beg for a morsel of the fan fair, to bask for a moment in the warmth from the glow of the stage light that I think was left on for me...for ME..the lights go dim and the sounds of crickets are all I hear. It's then that I am reminded that 3/4 of audience only came to see the handsome leading man.

Part 3:
My most treasured Christmas gifts this year were a comfy pair of slippers and bath robe, a photograph, a calendar and a loaf of Zucchini bread.  I've always tried to give gifts that were thoughtful and meaningful..gifts with a purpose. Often times I get left with a feeling it wasn't enough or there should have been more - disappointment is evident. I'm thinking that next year we will save the $5k and then some, we spent this year on airline tickets, gifts, and the cost of hosting guests for 10 days..and maybe put effort into handmade gifts and getting back to the basics of Christmas!

Part 4:
I have the most amazing husband. Next to him I am just chopped liver!

Part 5:
Peace

It's Christmas..

The gifts have all been opened, Christmas breakfast dishes have been cleaned up, afternoon food has been prepared and set about, most of the kids have moved on to other places and celebrations. It is in this lull that I slipped off to my closet to cry the tears of longing for my parents. My heart hurts and my chest is heavy. Two years ago today was our last Christmas with them... the last of everything with them forever and ever. The pains of missing them is intense and the feelings of grief are right under the surface of my being. If I could stay in my closet..on my stool..all day long, I would; but I think if I went there I would never come out again. I have to force myself not to get lost in my grief, lest I never find my way back to the light.

 Peace.

To Forgive..

Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. --Anonymous

Peace

NO VACANCY at the Inn..

Well, The Richardson Boarding House is officially closed for business. Okay...no we do not run a true boarding house but it has seemed like that for 6 years. From the moment we bought the home we've been the home of transition for friends and family who need temporary housing for months and even years. As soon as one family would move out there was another family waiting in the wings to move in..sometimes they overlapped and sometimes we got just enough lag-time to cleanup the livings spaces and move  furniture around (our out) to make whatever accommodations were necessary for the comfort of our guests. We are fortunate to have a completed basement apartment to give as much privacy as possible to all of us.

Our most recent boarders was a family of four wonderful family members who stayed with us for 7 months in transition to their newly renovated home; they moved out last Wednesday. Rich & I then spent 3 days cleaning, moving furniture around and making room to relocate our daughter and her husband from their upstairs bedroom to the downstairs home (giving them about a 12 hour notice). The move went smoothly on Friday and then my husband and I were off again cleaning, moving furniture around in the 2 upstairs guest rooms to make way for our West Coast kids to arrive this past Sunday for Christmas. By Sunday noon we were too pooped for words but damn the house looked/looks great!

We've pulled the illusive 'vacancy' sign down and our home is full once again through Christmas. Except after the holidays we will leave the 'no vacancy' sign up for a long while.

Peace

Note to Self...From the P-Files

Note to Self:

The next time you wear an under-clothing body suit contraption in place of a bra and panties...

Remember that you are wearing it!

Because the NEXT time you wear it, (and at a time when you are walking briskly to the restroom, holding your breath because YOU have ONCE AGAIN put off going to to pee until you are afraid to exhale. And once you get into the stall and you are clinching so tightly just to hold it in, all the while struggling with the pantyhose you are also wearing), you may want to remember the body suit as you desperately struggle to unsnap the bottom!

Peace!

(P.S. For the record, I made it with only a second to spare...it was close....very close)

His Crazy Ass Girlfriend

No...not my Husband's. I mean, he doesn't have a girlfriend, crazy assed or not - he would be crazy himself if he dared to venture across our marital line! It's our youngest son...he moved to California 1 1/2 years ago (he's 21), and hooked up with this chick who is a sheer lunatic! Her possesive behavior has increasingly gotten worse over the past year. FINALLY - he broke up with crazy chick but is now in fear of his LIFE!She has gone compeltely "Fatal Attraction" on him. She even went to his apratment the other day and threatened to harm/kill them both WITH a knife! He called 911 and stayed on the line until the police got there. She wasn't arrested but she did voluntarily leave the aprtment (only to show back up the next day).

My older son & daughter-in-law (thank GOD for them) has been working with his apartment complex to make sure he is protected, helping with getting information for a restraining order, talked with the girl's father and sister (who admit that she's psycho), and all trying to keep Brandon from totaly stressing during finals week! I've changed his cell phone number and blocked her number so hopefully he will have a little peace but then he has to watch his back not knowing when she will pop up.

It's so frustrating, and scary, to have all of this going on and not be able to DO anything myself.

Peace

Things I Love About Christmas Time

I am every single bit my Mother's daughter! My Mother loved anything that sparkled, shined or was bawdy & gaudy! I may not have inherited her flair for dressing, except for her ability to match her shoes to her outfit or jewelry..but inside of me is a mini-Mom just dying to jump out in a leopard print hat and scarf, sporting her jeggings! God, I miss that woman!!

So...some things I LOVE about Christmas-time:

• Tinsel! It's shiny and just so ....Shiny!  I could just about put it everywhere! I recently bought some to use as gift stuffing...it gave me goosebumps! I literally had to restrain myself from putting it all over my Christmas tree! I may yet unless Rich can hold me back!
• Christmas lights! Go big or go home...that's what I think. I love how they twinkle..how they blink..the colors, the shapes they are strung into or on! I love lights on the Christmas tree, strung across the mantle and around my Wreath hanging above the mantle!
• Christmas Balls! The shiny colored ones..the glass ones! The lights bounce off of them so beautifully and I just love, love them! The ones with GLITTER just make me swoon!
• The Smell! Although I've always had a fake tree, I love the smell of a real tree! (I detest the pine needles of a real treet and the mess). This year I put up real wreaths and that gives me the smell that I needed!
• Wrapping Paper! I just get giddy when I see presents wrapped under the tree. Not because there is an actual gift, but just the sight of the shiny paper winking back at me makes me smile! I could just wrap empty boxes and keep them out all year round...that'd make me happy if I could keep the rest of the holiday decorations out too  (except for the outdoor Christmas lights...that's way too creepy)!
• Red! The color Red brings me some many fond memories....I love the color and would wear it every single day if I could!
• Christmas Music! Well, only for a couple of weeks then enough is damn well enough! And not AFTER Christmas Day! That should be the rule! BUT, I am a closet Christmas music lover!
• Christmas Cookies! Although I have never made a Christmas cookie a day in my entire life.. I love Christmas cookies. The look, the shapes, the sparkle, the icing colors, the TASTE! Yummm! I love nothing better that getting them as a gift!
• Glitter..Sequins...Sparkle! YES PLEASE! Give me all of that. There can never be too much!
• The Surprise! The surprise of a gift. Although my husband THINKS he surprises me, he never really surprises me (don't tell him...shhhhhhh) - except for the year he gave me a microwave...THAT was a surprise. He hasn't given me a kitchen appliance since! But, to be 100% actually surprised...priceless!

So, there you have it!

Peace

Have You Ever...

Ever have something so random happen that you say to yourself "Hmmm, now THAT's weird", or you ask yourself, "What in hell was that about"?

I heard from an old friend today. Over the course of a couple of years we had/have slowly lost touch, lost any 'real' connection. What was once a close, loving friendship lost it's substance and became just surface work. Life got in the way and our paths took different turns...it happens. It is what it is!

Then out of the wild blue yonder, I hear from this person just to see how I'm doing. WTH? Yea, THAT's weird that this person would really care. Too bad, so sad. I see the friendship for what it has been, what it is and what it will be tomorrow.

To be honest, I'm over it, o-v-e-r it. It's surface work only and I realize that we are no longer in the same place. Friendships should not feel like you are constantly having to 'work' to keep it going - it should just 'be'. I prefer to focus on the relationships that are real in my life,

WTH?

Peace.

Ipod Illiterate!

I will be the FIRST to admit that I am not the sharpest crayon in the box when it comes to technology. How I ever got my Ipod load with amazing tunes about a year ago..I will never know. I even bought Rich an Ipod Touch before he deployed and successfully load some of his favorite music on there too. Now...my brain has left the building.

I JUST attempted to download and sync the new Adele and Miranda Lambert album onto my Ipod. Notice I used the word "attempt"? Well, I actually did get them on the Ipod but not before deleting MY library and replacing it with RICH'S library!

So, instead of Eagles, Boston, Journey, Kansas, Daughtry, Heart, and a few more mixes.... I now have Judas Priest, Whitesnake, Ozzy, Twisted Sister, Motley Crue along with an array of other 80's heavy metal bands.

I do not have time to upload all of my music tonight.

.....Sigh.....

It's going to be a long flight to the West Coast in the morning.

Peace

It's Been a Struggle Lately....and Making Changes

I've been battling some pretty heavy grief and depression lately....for about 3 weeks. It still lingers every single day and I know as we move into the Christmas holiday and then to New Years Eve it will only intensify, as the the memories of losing them hit the 2 year anniversaries. Seriously, the grief is the same as it has been all year..it's just the dates looming that flip my stomach. I can't stop the train from coming at me ~ I'm just trying to make sure I'm able to get the tracks switched to avoid an emotional collision.

On the outside you wouldn't know what twists inside of me..in the deepest part of my heart where the broken pieces are. You wouldn't know that I cry just about daily for my Mom and Dad and the emptiness that is left behind. I look, well, 'normal' so it may seem like I'm over it. I'm not. I have spent the past few weeks medicating the grief with wine, beer, unhealthy food, too much food, very little exercise. I've gained 8 pounds that look like 12 in my face and butt. This realization only triggers more despair and the cycle seems never-ending. I guess its true when they say misery loves company.

I've got to snap out of this...this...hole. I've got to find a way to deal. It is grief counseling? Is it prayer? I don't have a close enough friend to just talk to .... to just listen and cry with to get.it.out. Get.It.Out. That's all I need to do. To just say the words. The grief, the pain that is inside of me wants  needs to be released instead of muzzled. To confide in another woman without being guarded or feel like I'm intruding...that would be awesome! I have seriously never wanted a close girl friend in all my life as I have the past 2 year; to feel like they are 'there for me', but you just can't pick one up at Walmart off the shelf.

When I remotely mention missing my folks or let my family close enough to see my grief, they look like deer in the headlights - go quiet and change the subject (or worse, just say n-o-t-h-i-n-g). It's just AWKWARD for all of us so I pretend everything is hunky-dory for the most part. Keeping it all bottled up is just so heavy - maybe counseling is the only way to just release. The least intrusive for everyone near and dear to me.

I'm heading to California for a long weekend in the morning, to my Uncle's funeral. When I get back I have promised myself..and made a commitment to myself...to not let my grief impact my health anymore. That means eating healthier, less drinking, and total commitment to working out. I may not be able to control my grieving but I can control how I let it impact me physically. How it impacts me mentally & emotionally? Well, I have no fast answer for that...yet. My New Year resolution (early) will find an outlet that will help me meet new female friends...and maybe...  just maybe...

Peace