It's My Birthday..

And I'll cry if I want to!

I seem to be doing a lot of that lately! It's not from the dread or fear of being 46 (good grief, did I just write that?), or anything to do with any thing. I've just been a bundle of emotions on the inside for a while and I can't really lay the blame or put the finger on any particular thing. I can bitch about my body, my nails, my hair or even my aches & pains..but there's something much deeper - in the depths of my soul - that hurts.

Yes, it's 'grief'-related again. Roll your eyes, plug your ears or just stop reading ~ I don't care. I have searched a great deal lately for just the right words to describe how I feel. I have obsessed over it because the grief has taken me so far under that I'm afraid I can't come out this time. Finally, yesterday on my way home I came to understand what "it" is and it's difficult to swallow.

So...here is what I've realised: I lived 43 years knowing that 2 of the most wonderful people in the whole world LOVED me, unconditionally - whether I was right or wrong. They were excited about me before my birth and they never ever made me not feel loved. I thrived on knowing they LOVED me..with every part of their hearts..in the special way that only a parent can love a child (as I do my own children). In an instant the Love was gone ~ they are gone. Poof! It's bigger than not being any ones daughter/child any more, despite my age...it's that I am no longer loved like they loved me. All of a sudden, my parents don't Love me anymore. They don't love me anymore. That my friends and family is the bulls-eye of my grief..my sadness..and my self-esteem.

I am hoping that by putting these words to paper I will be able to accept them and release myself so that I can truly learn to live and enjoy my life.


Peace!