Labs!

After years of struggling with whacked-out labs (Liver, Cholesterol/LDL), I FINALLY got results that made me smile! Everything - I mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G came back normal. Normal. Say it with me....

Normal!

For someone who has lived with the fear and dread of not waking up one morning...this is a huge relief! It took all of my strength not to literally skip...yes, skip...out of the doctor's office! I wanted to dance and shout, and shake my body to the ground! I am that kind of happy!

I am Healthy! Finally!

And Happy!

Happy & Healthy!

Eeeek!

~ Peace

Pull it Together Woman!

I said those words to myself a few moments ago!

What the hell is WRONG with me? I simply cannot get my shit together! My brain is all scattered, I am constantly exhausted, I cannot muster up a single ounce of energy or motivation to tackle the 'cleaning 'list that I wrote 3 days ago  recently, and I feel like I am functioning in a fog!

I just cannot pull it together!!

Am I sad? No
Am I mad? No
Am I depressed? No
Am I frustrated? No
Am I listless, tired, foggy, unmotivated, in a rut? Yes, yes, and hell yes!
I am feeling nothing, yet everything at the same time!

Confused? Me too!

I feel ultimately overwhelmed - but I can't tell you from what! I want to just sit and think...or be...but my thoughts are empty. It's not even like my head is full of normal crap that rotates through my psyche like a video..... the film strip is blank.

I don't even know what's wrong to know what I need to make ME better.

I'm taking my meds like a good little girl, and sleeping (finally), I eat relatively healthy and keep my caffeine and alcohol intake to a moderate level. Yet, something is just w-r-o-n-g here with this picture! The picture is all snow and static....with waves rolling down the front like an old television set.

Jimminy Cricket - WTF?

I'm functioning on auto-pilot...but I'm functioning. That's something, right??

Peace

The Agony of Saying No

There a girl. ..young woman... that I love very much. For years actually...like a daughter,  as my daughter. I watched her grow up and have witnessed the many twists and turns of her journey. Though sometimes it appeared that her path would not straighten for long, I felt confident that she could overcome her self destructive circumstances  and finally have a real life. Through the years I have helped, enabled,  prayed and distanced myself many times to allow her to stand on her own. Recently she reached out and I stood in the gap once more. Until....

Today I found that most of her circumstance were fictitious and the other half self-induced.

My phone rang for help once again. I searched my heart and my life for the right answer. My anxiety level grew, my stomach knotted and my lunch sat unsteady on my tummy. I thought of my home, my children, my grandchildren. I looked at my daily life that is peaceful and loving- drama free and relatively stress free.

I said No.

It broke my heart...but I said No.

Peace.

The First Last Goodbye

This morning my husband and I shared our standard three consecutive kisses in the parking lot of the armory. These kisses represented our first last goodbye as pre-deployment training began. The period of time leading up to "popping smoke" or boots on the ground....is some of the most excrutiating of deployment. He leaves for weeks, comes home, leaves for weeks, comes home...until. With each hello a goodbye is coming. We grab hold of every single time together but we both are ready to kick this thing off. Recovery from the "leaving" is so much easier than the build up. 

Pre-deployment is a time that brings random and silent tears as I look ahead at the days, weeks, months that lie ahead; how will I do THIS again with 2 homes, two dogs, a cat, a job and the bill management... and still remain strong for the rest of my family (some who are also going through deployment for the first time within their own little family unit).

Four years ago deployment came within a week of losing my parents and I was a broken, broken woman. I didn't  fully experience the deployment in the way other military spouses do. I was just a tragic shell of nothingness; while I missed my husband I can't  honestly say that I acknowledge he was even gone. Had he been home, I wouldn't have even noticed....I was that far gone. NOW is a different time with nothing to buffer the grief that comes with deployment separation. With each tear I feel the loss that is coming, deployment brain is setting in and my brain is all scrambled with overwhelming anxiety.

I know I am not alone, I have friends, family and a network of people who love me and will be here each step of the way. The loneliness that comes at night is he time when no one can help. When I reach out my foot to touch his foot I won't  find him there under the covers. The bed that causes my internal temperature to rise to 500 degrees at night when I lay next to my husband for 5 minutes max, will not get above 65 degrees when I am alone. I will wear pajama pants and socks under my gown to try and break the endless chill. My morning routine will become mundane...the silence will be deafening.

We will get through this...just one more time. One more last kiss.
One more last goodbye.

Peace

The Downsize of Life

For 30 years (separately and 17 years together), Rich and I have made each and every good and bad decision with the welfare, health, love and commitment to our children and family in the forefront of our thoughts.

Recently - very recently - we made a decision, a big decision and only considered ourselves.

We bought this little piece of Heaven on the banks of Lake Logan in Tennessee:



From the dock looking towards the house



Looking at the lake from the back

Buying the lake house was a major decision for us because we are always try to be "careful" and make sound, safe decision. For once we threw our caution to the wind and just went with our hearts to grab something for ourselves!

 

Our major home is a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, 2 living rooms, 2 kitchens, 1 dining room, almost an acre of property, and full to the rim with stuff! The lake house has 3 bedrooms, 1 living room, kitchen combo, 1 bathroom and came furniture with so much simplicity! Rich and I spent our first weekend at the lake house recently and I have to admit.... we didn't want to leave. We could stand on the deck in the morning and watch the gees on the lake, hearing nothing but the occasional train in the distance. Going back to our main home was like going from Mayberry to New York City - full of hustle and bustle and walls and doors and stuff.

 

The questions comes up if we think we will sell our house and move to the lake house full time? The answer is - yes, I hope so. While Rich is deployed I will spend much time at the lake getting the feel of life there ~ when Rich gets home next year we will know what the right decision is. Honestly, we already know....we just want to dial back and fish. We don't want to wait until we retire and wonder what happened to our livelihood; that we didn't get a chance to live before it is too late. What about our jobs? Hopefully, I will be in my same job and take the commute into town. and Rich will find something he can enjoy and feel good about doing. What about a place for the family to gather? There is more than enough space for our children and grandchildren to come to. What about your main house? Downsize x 1 trillion!!

 

We get the feeling that not everyone is supportive of our decision, and that's okay. We have worked long and hard to care for and take care of every one's needs. We have built our lives around our family, children and grandchildren. We have given time, space, money and ourselves in order to provide - this time...this time in our lives ... it's finally our turn to give to ourselves. To start to walk a new path of simplicity and establish our financial security...while making some amazing new memories with our family.

 

Rich and I ARE excited about this new chapter. Please be excited for us!

 

Peace!