'Twas the Blog After Christmas

Part 1:
The week that I dread all year has begun..my own private Hell week. It began yesterday, Dec. 28th and runs through Jan. 3rd and represents every thing associated with my Mom and Dad's deaths 2 years ago. Yesterday I woke up irritable as the anxiety started to build and I was faced with the last day of my Mother's life. Today, 2 yrs ago..she unexpectedly died. Last night the 24 hours before and after her death ran through my head like a projector strip on auto replay. Again and again the visions and sounds haunted me, forcing me to go back to those days of despairing loss ~ they will continue through Dad's death on Dec. 31. When the final scene of their burial is played, the curtains will be drawn again.

But, don't worry...you won't see me cry. I promise not to talk about it because I know how it makes people uncomfortable. I'm actually not depressed, or overwhelmingly despondent, or unhappy...just heavy-hearted.

Part 2:
We flew the West Coast kids home for the holidays. It went as I expected - no better than or worse than..but just as I expected.Whether it's here in the South or in the West, it all plays out the same. In this film I play the role of the hostess..the maid..the hired help - cooking, cleaning, making sure every one has what they need for comfort and convenience, and all the while making sure to stay out of the scene. When I wander onto the set to beg for a morsel of the fan fair, to bask for a moment in the warmth from the glow of the stage light that I think was left on for me...for ME..the lights go dim and the sounds of crickets are all I hear. It's then that I am reminded that 3/4 of audience only came to see the handsome leading man.

Part 3:
My most treasured Christmas gifts this year were a comfy pair of slippers and bath robe, a photograph, a calendar and a loaf of Zucchini bread.  I've always tried to give gifts that were thoughtful and meaningful..gifts with a purpose. Often times I get left with a feeling it wasn't enough or there should have been more - disappointment is evident. I'm thinking that next year we will save the $5k and then some, we spent this year on airline tickets, gifts, and the cost of hosting guests for 10 days..and maybe put effort into handmade gifts and getting back to the basics of Christmas!

Part 4:
I have the most amazing husband. Next to him I am just chopped liver!

Part 5:
Peace

It's Christmas..

The gifts have all been opened, Christmas breakfast dishes have been cleaned up, afternoon food has been prepared and set about, most of the kids have moved on to other places and celebrations. It is in this lull that I slipped off to my closet to cry the tears of longing for my parents. My heart hurts and my chest is heavy. Two years ago today was our last Christmas with them... the last of everything with them forever and ever. The pains of missing them is intense and the feelings of grief are right under the surface of my being. If I could stay in my closet..on my stool..all day long, I would; but I think if I went there I would never come out again. I have to force myself not to get lost in my grief, lest I never find my way back to the light.

 Peace.

To Forgive..

Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. --Anonymous

Peace

NO VACANCY at the Inn..

Well, The Richardson Boarding House is officially closed for business. Okay...no we do not run a true boarding house but it has seemed like that for 6 years. From the moment we bought the home we've been the home of transition for friends and family who need temporary housing for months and even years. As soon as one family would move out there was another family waiting in the wings to move in..sometimes they overlapped and sometimes we got just enough lag-time to cleanup the livings spaces and move  furniture around (our out) to make whatever accommodations were necessary for the comfort of our guests. We are fortunate to have a completed basement apartment to give as much privacy as possible to all of us.

Our most recent boarders was a family of four wonderful family members who stayed with us for 7 months in transition to their newly renovated home; they moved out last Wednesday. Rich & I then spent 3 days cleaning, moving furniture around and making room to relocate our daughter and her husband from their upstairs bedroom to the downstairs home (giving them about a 12 hour notice). The move went smoothly on Friday and then my husband and I were off again cleaning, moving furniture around in the 2 upstairs guest rooms to make way for our West Coast kids to arrive this past Sunday for Christmas. By Sunday noon we were too pooped for words but damn the house looked/looks great!

We've pulled the illusive 'vacancy' sign down and our home is full once again through Christmas. Except after the holidays we will leave the 'no vacancy' sign up for a long while.

Peace

Note to Self...From the P-Files

Note to Self:

The next time you wear an under-clothing body suit contraption in place of a bra and panties...

Remember that you are wearing it!

Because the NEXT time you wear it, (and at a time when you are walking briskly to the restroom, holding your breath because YOU have ONCE AGAIN put off going to to pee until you are afraid to exhale. And once you get into the stall and you are clinching so tightly just to hold it in, all the while struggling with the pantyhose you are also wearing), you may want to remember the body suit as you desperately struggle to unsnap the bottom!

Peace!

(P.S. For the record, I made it with only a second to spare...it was close....very close)

His Crazy Ass Girlfriend

No...not my Husband's. I mean, he doesn't have a girlfriend, crazy assed or not - he would be crazy himself if he dared to venture across our marital line! It's our youngest son...he moved to California 1 1/2 years ago (he's 21), and hooked up with this chick who is a sheer lunatic! Her possesive behavior has increasingly gotten worse over the past year. FINALLY - he broke up with crazy chick but is now in fear of his LIFE!She has gone compeltely "Fatal Attraction" on him. She even went to his apratment the other day and threatened to harm/kill them both WITH a knife! He called 911 and stayed on the line until the police got there. She wasn't arrested but she did voluntarily leave the aprtment (only to show back up the next day).

My older son & daughter-in-law (thank GOD for them) has been working with his apartment complex to make sure he is protected, helping with getting information for a restraining order, talked with the girl's father and sister (who admit that she's psycho), and all trying to keep Brandon from totaly stressing during finals week! I've changed his cell phone number and blocked her number so hopefully he will have a little peace but then he has to watch his back not knowing when she will pop up.

It's so frustrating, and scary, to have all of this going on and not be able to DO anything myself.

Peace

Things I Love About Christmas Time

I am every single bit my Mother's daughter! My Mother loved anything that sparkled, shined or was bawdy & gaudy! I may not have inherited her flair for dressing, except for her ability to match her shoes to her outfit or jewelry..but inside of me is a mini-Mom just dying to jump out in a leopard print hat and scarf, sporting her jeggings! God, I miss that woman!!

So...some things I LOVE about Christmas-time:

• Tinsel! It's shiny and just so ....Shiny!  I could just about put it everywhere! I recently bought some to use as gift stuffing...it gave me goosebumps! I literally had to restrain myself from putting it all over my Christmas tree! I may yet unless Rich can hold me back!
• Christmas lights! Go big or go home...that's what I think. I love how they twinkle..how they blink..the colors, the shapes they are strung into or on! I love lights on the Christmas tree, strung across the mantle and around my Wreath hanging above the mantle!
• Christmas Balls! The shiny colored ones..the glass ones! The lights bounce off of them so beautifully and I just love, love them! The ones with GLITTER just make me swoon!
• The Smell! Although I've always had a fake tree, I love the smell of a real tree! (I detest the pine needles of a real treet and the mess). This year I put up real wreaths and that gives me the smell that I needed!
• Wrapping Paper! I just get giddy when I see presents wrapped under the tree. Not because there is an actual gift, but just the sight of the shiny paper winking back at me makes me smile! I could just wrap empty boxes and keep them out all year round...that'd make me happy if I could keep the rest of the holiday decorations out too  (except for the outdoor Christmas lights...that's way too creepy)!
• Red! The color Red brings me some many fond memories....I love the color and would wear it every single day if I could!
• Christmas Music! Well, only for a couple of weeks then enough is damn well enough! And not AFTER Christmas Day! That should be the rule! BUT, I am a closet Christmas music lover!
• Christmas Cookies! Although I have never made a Christmas cookie a day in my entire life.. I love Christmas cookies. The look, the shapes, the sparkle, the icing colors, the TASTE! Yummm! I love nothing better that getting them as a gift!
• Glitter..Sequins...Sparkle! YES PLEASE! Give me all of that. There can never be too much!
• The Surprise! The surprise of a gift. Although my husband THINKS he surprises me, he never really surprises me (don't tell him...shhhhhhh) - except for the year he gave me a microwave...THAT was a surprise. He hasn't given me a kitchen appliance since! But, to be 100% actually surprised...priceless!

So, there you have it!

Peace

Have You Ever...

Ever have something so random happen that you say to yourself "Hmmm, now THAT's weird", or you ask yourself, "What in hell was that about"?

I heard from an old friend today. Over the course of a couple of years we had/have slowly lost touch, lost any 'real' connection. What was once a close, loving friendship lost it's substance and became just surface work. Life got in the way and our paths took different turns...it happens. It is what it is!

Then out of the wild blue yonder, I hear from this person just to see how I'm doing. WTH? Yea, THAT's weird that this person would really care. Too bad, so sad. I see the friendship for what it has been, what it is and what it will be tomorrow.

To be honest, I'm over it, o-v-e-r it. It's surface work only and I realize that we are no longer in the same place. Friendships should not feel like you are constantly having to 'work' to keep it going - it should just 'be'. I prefer to focus on the relationships that are real in my life,

WTH?

Peace.

Ipod Illiterate!

I will be the FIRST to admit that I am not the sharpest crayon in the box when it comes to technology. How I ever got my Ipod load with amazing tunes about a year ago..I will never know. I even bought Rich an Ipod Touch before he deployed and successfully load some of his favorite music on there too. Now...my brain has left the building.

I JUST attempted to download and sync the new Adele and Miranda Lambert album onto my Ipod. Notice I used the word "attempt"? Well, I actually did get them on the Ipod but not before deleting MY library and replacing it with RICH'S library!

So, instead of Eagles, Boston, Journey, Kansas, Daughtry, Heart, and a few more mixes.... I now have Judas Priest, Whitesnake, Ozzy, Twisted Sister, Motley Crue along with an array of other 80's heavy metal bands.

I do not have time to upload all of my music tonight.

.....Sigh.....

It's going to be a long flight to the West Coast in the morning.

Peace

It's Been a Struggle Lately....and Making Changes

I've been battling some pretty heavy grief and depression lately....for about 3 weeks. It still lingers every single day and I know as we move into the Christmas holiday and then to New Years Eve it will only intensify, as the the memories of losing them hit the 2 year anniversaries. Seriously, the grief is the same as it has been all year..it's just the dates looming that flip my stomach. I can't stop the train from coming at me ~ I'm just trying to make sure I'm able to get the tracks switched to avoid an emotional collision.

On the outside you wouldn't know what twists inside of me..in the deepest part of my heart where the broken pieces are. You wouldn't know that I cry just about daily for my Mom and Dad and the emptiness that is left behind. I look, well, 'normal' so it may seem like I'm over it. I'm not. I have spent the past few weeks medicating the grief with wine, beer, unhealthy food, too much food, very little exercise. I've gained 8 pounds that look like 12 in my face and butt. This realization only triggers more despair and the cycle seems never-ending. I guess its true when they say misery loves company.

I've got to snap out of this...this...hole. I've got to find a way to deal. It is grief counseling? Is it prayer? I don't have a close enough friend to just talk to .... to just listen and cry with to get.it.out. Get.It.Out. That's all I need to do. To just say the words. The grief, the pain that is inside of me wants  needs to be released instead of muzzled. To confide in another woman without being guarded or feel like I'm intruding...that would be awesome! I have seriously never wanted a close girl friend in all my life as I have the past 2 year; to feel like they are 'there for me', but you just can't pick one up at Walmart off the shelf.

When I remotely mention missing my folks or let my family close enough to see my grief, they look like deer in the headlights - go quiet and change the subject (or worse, just say n-o-t-h-i-n-g). It's just AWKWARD for all of us so I pretend everything is hunky-dory for the most part. Keeping it all bottled up is just so heavy - maybe counseling is the only way to just release. The least intrusive for everyone near and dear to me.

I'm heading to California for a long weekend in the morning, to my Uncle's funeral. When I get back I have promised myself..and made a commitment to myself...to not let my grief impact my health anymore. That means eating healthier, less drinking, and total commitment to working out. I may not be able to control my grieving but I can control how I let it impact me physically. How it impacts me mentally & emotionally? Well, I have no fast answer for that...yet. My New Year resolution (early) will find an outlet that will help me meet new female friends...and maybe...  just maybe...

Peace

4:15am

I told myself last night:

"Self, you are getting your ass up in the morning and going to the gym! Yes, ma'am - no excuses..your butt is getting bigger every single day - you are going to the gym and getting back into the groove! Since your surgery you have lost your motivation..afraid of 'hurting' yourself..you've become a chickenshit about tearing something and a weeny when it hurts. You've become weak, with a size 10 waist and a size 12 butt! Your self-esteem is plummeting and your focus on good health has become hazy. Your edge has dulled! You are GETTING UP!!"

4:15am the alarm goes off. I spend a few minutes weighing my options.

Option 1: Get up, get dressed and get going!!!!

Option 2: Stay in the warm, warm bed next to my husband

I took Option #2

I'm such a Loser!

It was Just a Dream

I dreamt of my Mother last night.

In my dream I was in a room. This room reminded me of a 3-D Imax theatre with a movie happening around me. All of my Mother's brothers and sisters were taking their seat together. I felt like maybe gathering for a funeral but I couldn't be sure. But each one came in and took their seat. I stood close to the screen and just watched ~ and scanned the faces looking for my Mother..she wasn't there.

Just as I was about to give up hope I see her - the back of her at first as she walks by me to take her seat. She's wearing a fitted white dress, it's short with long sleeves. Simple but elegant. Mother's hair is cut short in a crop and it is white/blonde. She is 40 years younger - she looks like pictures I have seen of her in her younger years and I was a little girl. I wait for her to turn around so I can see her face just to know that she was my Mother, even though I know it's her.

Oh, Mama... I miss you so much.

She sits on the front row, on the end...closest to me. I want to touch her but it's a movie. I move closer to the screen so I am so close to her that I just know I could touch her. I need to touch her. I walk toward the screen and then into the scene. I kneel at her feet and throw my arms around her and cry. Just cry and hold on for dear life.

Then I wake.

And I cry.

Peace.

Life in the Fast Lane...

I was driving into work this morning...listening to the radio. The song that came on is the same one that seems to come on every single morning. I'm sick of hearing it so I change the station - there's too much talking on that one..change again ~ ugh, I need some life in my morning! Then it hits me...I have just the right music to lift my mood on this cloudy day..........

My guys...my band...
ahhhh..

The Eagles!

I pop them in and immediately my mood is high and I can't help buy sing and rock to "Life in the Fast Lane"! Who does not love the Eagles?? I jammed, in only the way a child of the 70's/80'2 can (a little air guitar, head bouncing, a little shoulder action, some awesome in-the-car singing), to them all the way to work. What a feeling of refreshment those 20 minutes were and what a difference in my day it makes as they waft through my computer at this minute.

And BONUS...I read where they are doing a 40th Anniversary Tour in 2012!!

Shout Out: RICH RICHARDSON.....I WANT to go and see them!!

You can keep you Gaga..your Beiber..your rap/hip hop...none of that is music. It's just noise!

Okay. show's over..back to work!

Peace!

The Day the Music Died..

Last night my Honey and I sat down, cold brew in hand, and watched the AMA (American Music Awards). While some of the artists we liked (Maroon 5 ~ minus Christina Aguilera, Daughtry)..they all just about sounded the same by the end of the show. Especially every single rapper...all sounded the exact same and I couldn't make out one single word.

 There's not any individuality in music anymore. Music has become all about the show...not the words...not the meaning.Maybe it's just because we are children of the 70's/80's music...back when music marked moments in time and time marked moments in music. Back to a musical era that is still played again and again today ~ admit it...you can't help but rock along to Warrant's "Cherry Pie" or "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue.

Today's music...is just about down right irritating. So much so that during some of the performances last night I begged my husband to change the channel until the artist was done. My husband kept asking...where are the Ozzy's of the music world now...where are the Judas Priests? I would have even taken a few Journey's or Bon Jovi wannabes! And the last act...it was just a bazaar rediculous mess..

If last night was an indication of today's music..music as I know it has truly died.

:o(

Break is Over

So I took a few days away from Blogging and Facebooking..just to breath without any expectations. It was a nice cyber vacation. There was, and still is, so much twirling around inside my head that there just wasn't room in there to deal with the emotions and petty-shit of other people.

It's been a tough week that was sparked off by a phone call that took me back to a time when my parents were alive and then forward to when they weren't. As much as I have learned (or tried) to block grief and thinking about them, there is always a trigger lurking out there to drag me under. I  miss them so much...every single day. It's been almost two years..two years...two years. And yet there are days and moments that it feels like it was just yesterday and my heart feels ripped open and exposed all over again. The mental and physical pain feels overwhelming.

I'm trying to shake the darkness of grief away... it's taking one minute at a time. The time between Nov and New Years will also bring me to my knees because it reminds me of the best of time and then the worst of time.

Peace.

Social Media Blackout..

Maybe it the sleep that I didn't get last night...at all. Maybe it's feeling like crap because I didn't go to the gym because I was exhausted from being awake ..all...night...long. Maybe it's the emotional struggle that this time of year brings to me ~ the memories and the sadness. Maybe it's being in a severe work funk that is depleting my brain cells at a rapid rate. Or it could be that I'm just tired and do not want to deal with it ~ whatever "it" happens to be.  It could be the depression that I feel creeping up on me and the internal fight to keep it away. maybe my awesomeness needs to be recharged.

But, I'm taking a Social media break. No Facebook, no Blogging. For how long? Could be a day..a week...who knows.

I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of trying to think of something witty, awe-inspiring and generally interesting to say...to anyone. I have begun to bore myself beyond consciousness and if I feel that way then I can only imagine what my friends, family and blog/FB friends must think.

For those that want to keep in touch..email me for my cell number and we can be text-buddies. Otherwise, I will return!

So....Later!

Peace!

Ugh...

I

Hate

my

Job

!

One Choice...One Decision

I had a conversation with my daughter and son-in-law at dinner last night about where we are right this moment in our lives is exactly where we are supposed to be (Beau said that and it makes so much sense). Taking it a little further, looking back over my life (our lives), it's amazing to see that if just one thing changed at any point in time, by just a minute...our lives wouldn've been different in some major way.

Life is about choices ~ good or bad, but choices just the same.

I have made choices and have sometimes choosen wrong ~ or so I thought.

The is a reason for choosing 'wrong', it puts you on the path you were meant to be on.

When my children were small I made a horrible decison that impacted our lives in such a frightening way... but then that bad choice led to another choice to pick up the phone and make a call. That good choice brought us to NOW and the the awesome lives we live today.

We all have a choice to change our future,

our perspective,

our lives.

It just takes that one single decision to go left, right

or

straight ahead.

To do this or not..

to say something

or

remain silent.

To choose.

It's all about choices.

Peace.

Out of No Where..

Saturday morning my husband and I got up at 5:30am, got dressed and headed to the local armory. One of our local units was leaving for deployment, taking with it one of my dearest and closest friends.

We made it to the armory 45 minutes before the buses rolled; found Dana and got to spend a few moments with her and her family. A few hugs later, Rich & I slipped away as she spent a few last precious moments with her family before stepping into formation.

Once we drove away I told Rich that it was difficult to watch families being torn apart like that; kids and spouses crying and grasping for just one more kiss..one more touch..one more picture. When Rich deployed there was no ceremony, no gathering. His unit was a four-man team..it was 6am..I drove him to the armory in the early morning darkness, took a few pictures and kissed until our lips had to part. There were no words spoken by command, no formations, nothing. Just four Soldiers, one SR. NCO and a van to take them to the MOB station.

I began to cry Saturday morning as the flood of emotions came back to me from that cold April morning more than a year ago. The remembrance of driving away and knowing my life had just changed and I was alone in only the "aloneness" that a spouse can feel. I felt the nights of coldness and fear, the ghost-walks through the house looking at my life but not recognizing anything.

I found myself back to the times of sheer loneliness that came and went many times throughout the deployment year..oh, the deep pains of grief, the sleepless nights. I cried in the car with my husband for each of the days in the year we were apart; the emotions flooded out of me without warning.

I had never taken time to grieve for what deployment took from us and what it cost us both individually.

I cried the other morning for my Friend and for the families & Soldiers who had just gathered to separate.

Peace..

Our Cover is Blown

During the day Rich and I are hard-working professional folks..

but at night.....

 Super Heroes!

Happy Halloweeny!

Note to Self

When you have to go pee...

Go pee.

Don't wait until you can't hold it

one more second.

And before you go

Pee

Don't stop by the kitchenette at work

and notice the coffee pots are still on.

Don't turn the coffee maker off

rinse out the pots

and then decide to fill up your water bottle

before you go Pee.

Because out of no where you will have to

Cough.

Yeah, Note to Self!!

Dreamin'

I have had THE WEIRDEST dreams lately! It's so unlike me to even remember that I've had a dream but the past few nights my subconscious has traveled to some pretty far-fetch placed in dreamland! And I hadn't even taken any kind of  anything to help me sleep!

Hmm??

So, Wednesday night/morning'ish I dreamt that Rich & I went to an outside thing..more like an obstacle course thing except with games (outdoor bowling, putt-putt golf..). There were about 8 different activities that we had to complete. Rich blasted through the first few and went on ahead of me to the next. I lost sight of him somewhere along the way because he was advancing so quickly. I finally get through my events and notice one additional event for MEN only. Naked Putt-Putt! You know how in putt-putt there are bridges and houses that you have to maneuver through? Well, naked girls were contorting their bodies to form the obstacles while the Naked Men were putt-putting. I looked at Rich and asked him if he played that..he said 'well, yeah..it was extra points'. I woke up!

Last night I dreamed that Sarah and Joe from GI Joes Wife were at my house. Which is really strange because I do not know her outside of Blogland and I'm not sure she even follows my blog. So Rich came home and he and Joe told us that they got orders and were heading back to Afghanistan the next day (TODAY). I'm saying 'it's not possible..there is a dwell time' but it's in writing. I'm crying, Sarah is about nuts - 'cause she's having a baby - and I can't wrap my brain around it. I walk out of my bedroom and there are about 22 distance relatives from South Alabama in my living room. They had come to visit a great uncle and decided to stay at our house over night....my LAST night with my husband before he deploys again. So not only am I trying to figure the deployment thing out, I've got to find sleeping arrangements for 22 - 24 counting Sarah & Joe - people in MY house, along with the other four 1/2 people that live with us. The whole dream centered around shuffling people around to beds, floors and couches, all the while trying to make sure Sarah & Joe and me & Rich had some private time. I think I woke up about the time the the dream alarm went off for Rich and Joe to get up to leave.

Talk about WEIRD! I think in the back of my mind I am still afraid that Rich's number will come back up and he will head back down range again. I KNOW it's not possible but once bitten, twice shy.

As for the naked putt-putt?
I have no idea.

They are Gone.

What happens when we die?

I often ask myself this question. Do you know you are dead or are you just dead and there is nothing?

I often pray on the way to work..just a casual conversation between me and God. Well, it's actually a one-sided chat because I don't usually get any feedback from God. More times that not, I will ask God to tell my parents that I love them and that I miss them. Today I stopped mid-request and decided that it was stupid to ask such a thing. Why would they care? It doesn't mean anything to them anymore and it doesn't change anything for me. They died and they are gone. They are dead and will always be dead. And does it really matter to God how I feel about my parents...what difference does it make to a God who designed us to die anyway?

The void left is just here...deep inside of my heart...it doesn't go away and it doesn't hurt less with time (people lie when they tell you that bullshit).

"Just below the surface of our adult facades, there is a little girl or a little boy that wants daddy’s recognition or mommy’s embrace more than anything else in the world. And in the mind of that little girl or little boy, we may still feel that we have never quite earned either the recognition or the embrace. This kind of generalized guilt is almost universal with parents and their adult children. It is there in our grieving.

- R. Scott Sullender "Losses in Later Life"

People think they know..but they don't unless they know. The bitterness I feel lingers..sometimes its all that gets me through to the next day when it starts all over again.

Peace.

I Met a Woman....

I met a woman tonight that reminded me so much of my Mother. She didn't look like my Mother in the least...well, maybe her blonde hair was the first thing that drew me to her..it was just her essence - her spirit. It was more that she looked like and reminded me of my Aunt Ellen...who reflects my Mother in so many ways. I spend an hour or so avoiding her before I drew the nerve to talk to her - and then I couldn't get close enough to her. I even wanted to just wrap my arms around her and hold her so closely to me when she started to leave the party we were at. I can't say what I thought I'd feel...but I just wanted to feel my Mother's arms around me again..and I hoped...I wished....

God, I miss my Mother!

"S" is for Stupid!

So...this morning Rich and I head in to town for work. We live in the outskirts of "town" and travel a narrow 2-lane road that has 4 sharp "S" curves. Rich is driving in front of me as we come up on the first "S" turn - which you cannot see around and have no idea if a car coming from the opposite direction is rounding the curve at the same time.

Well - A member of our local Sheriff's department had a car pulled over..just as the road curves ... with his driver's door WIDE-ASS open. We have no choice but to drive into the left lane to go around both vehicles. I held my breath as I watched my husband go around the stopped cars and into the curve - praying that there is not a car getting ready to barrel around and hit his head-on.  Do you know how frightening that was..just watching and praying that he makes it without getting slammed into? Then it was my turn..we obviously made it but only by the luck of the draw!

The more stupid part is that the Sheriff guy could've blue-lighted the car after the curve turned into a straight-a-way before curving again.

To the Madison County Sheriff...here is your letter for the day....."S" for Stupid!

Move Along...

You heard the fuzz...nothing to see here! There is no post today. Nothing...nada...not zip...

• There is not post today about having dinner with a great friend last night whose husband returns home TONIGHT from Iraq!
• There is no post about how I wish Jessica could have joined us and how I look forward to seeing her again!
• There is certainly not a post about how I slept really well last night thanks to a 3/4 tablet of Melatonin. I'm not sure why I didn't eat the other 1/4 but it just seemed right at the time.
• There is not one single post about how my legs and ass hurt from working out yesterday morning; after a hundred squats, 200 lunges, 250 jumping jacks, 1 hour in a 'chair' seat position, and a thousand toe touches, followed by 3 hours of cardio on the treadmill. Okay - that's a complete exaggeration on the numbers...but I did work hard and I am sore!
• There is no post about my boring, draining and unfulfilling job that I am a million times lucky to have.
• There is no post about missing my folks and how I would give my life just to have them back for a day.
• There is no Post about my still swollen and tender hips from my surgery.
• There is no post about how much I NEED some private-away-from-home-just-me-and-him-romantic-or-not-but-just-the-two-of-us, time with my husband.

There is no post here today People.

Move along now!

Guido Goes to the Gym...

Holy Moly!! Jersey Shore must be down one Guido because there is one on the loose at the 24/7 Gym. Guido Joe shows his slicked-back black hair, up at the gym from time to time. AT 4:30 AM!!! He must've gotten up at 5:35am just to get his hair just right and pressed his clothes in order to be there by the time Rich & I arrived at 4:30!

This dude is definitely not a sight for sore or tired eyes this early in the morning and he sits pretty heavy on the stomach of anyone watching him! This 40'ish, receding hairlined Guido wannabe was wearing his usual hardcore workout clothes this morning:

The Good Ol' White Tank (aka..Wife beater) tucked in. Doesn't everyone workout in one of these?

The ever popular gym shorts - Plaid Dickie Shorts with a

black belt and cell phone!

The everso appropriate shoes for going to the gym. White as white can be!

And no self-respecting gym rat would be complete without his...

Gold chain.

The hysterical thing about this creeper is that he pushes a few weights around on the machines then takes a leisurely stroll around the gym floor in between his "reps", making sure to pass in front of the mirror to watch himself pass by, attempts to flex what he DOES NOT have and the 'checks' his package. I guess he wants to make sure that it's still there and hasn't fallen out along the way.

Why? Oh Why does he 'check' his package every few minutes? Could it be so teensy-tiny that he has to makes sure he knows where it is? Wait...I don't think I really want to know! (shiver.....)

Not only is it creepy..but he keeps moving from machine to machine until he is right next to me where I could check him out in the mirror if I was not too grossed out already. Little does he know that I wear..

Blinders on so I don't see what's he's doing next to me. It's just when he parades his skinny slimy self in front of me and the mirror that I feel like I need to go take a shower to get the invisible slime off of me.

Bleck!!!!

After about 20 minutes of his nonsense and not getting any reaction..the Harvest Guido slinked on out of there. But like any good attention-grabbing whore or a bad penny..he will show up again!

 Peace!

Tinkle...Tinkle..

So.....

Picture this (ummmm, on second thought - if you know me personally ~ don't picture this).....

Rich and I stop for lunch and a Margarita today and that Margarita was absolutely "Bomb"; I stole that term from my daughter-in-law while on vacation recently). Afterwards we drove around town, your typical Sunday drive for the old folks! Rich wanted to pull into a local car dealership just to window shop and kill a little daylight - why not...but first - 

Me: "Honey, I need to pee".

Him: "Can you hold it?"

Me: "Maybe for a few minutes, but I really gotta go. Just park next door and we'll go in that store and browse a minute while I find a bathroom".

 

 So we pulled into Pier One to browse around with the intention of scoping out a bathroom run! No biggie. Rich takes a left to look like a real customer and I dart for the Women's Room!

Here's the kicker to this little diddy ~

Let me preface this by saying that WOMEN are horrible to forget to flush the toilet! I have no earthly idea why it's so difficult, but half the time someone leaves the stall and does not flush. Since I was about to wet my pants I decided to slap on a toilet seat cover and flush. Again, no biggie. I hurriedly plop my butt down while it's still flushing; who cares - not  me because I am peeing a river. 

And then....

I feel water hit my ass! I stand up enough to look down...there...and see that the toilet if clogged and rising like a flood getting ready to crest! I'm panicked because I can't stop peeing and I'm afraid I'm going to sending the flood waters over the edge!!! Men - just so you know, women do not come with a shutoff valve and once we've started peeing...we are going to finish regardless!

So I hold my breath, all the while standing at a squat .saying OUT LOUD to myself, "no, no, no...don't do this!!"....just watching until I'm finished and wanted to high-five someone because I didn't cause a breach in the levy!  I go ahead and wipe and throw in my tissue - what else was I gonna do??? As the waters start to recede I breath a sigh of sheer relief that I was not the one that caused an overflow.

I pity the woman who came behind me!

Peace!

At the Car Wash...

So..... I got in my car this morning and headed to work:

(This is not MY car...but I have one just like it)

It was a beautiful moment driving down the little country back road that leads to town. The sun was popping so gently through the trees, and no doubt the birds were singing a happy tune. Soft classic rock lulling me into a peaceful trance. Picture it, will you?!

But then....as I sang along to one of  my favorite songs feeling like a breath of fresh air...the new morning sun broke through the trees and scattered itself ever so beautifully across the hood of my car. It was in THAT moment that I said to myself:

"Damn Girl, your car is filthy!"

I could write the whole US Constitution in the dirt across my hood! Where the hell does all of this dust and dirt come from anyway? It's not like I go mudding in my off time in my little Suzuki!! It needs a bath in THE WORST WAY!!

It just SCREAMS:

I was tempted to rip my tire cover off my car so it would blend in without anyone knowing it belonged to me. Yes, I would deny my dirty car!

The problem is...I HATE to wash my car! It's not that I'm lazy but I have better things to do...like vacuum (and I hate to vacuum). I honestly can't remember the last time I washed my car; unless you count the last time I drove through a torrential thunderstorm - which I think qualifies on some warped level! Another sad thing is that I can't remember the last time I drove through a torrential thunderstorm!!

So, unless I want to come out to my car one day and see the words "WASH ME" etched across my windows, I guess it's high-time that I broke out a wash bucket, soap and a dish rag and gave the ol' girl a good bath! Either that or I could spend my day tomorrow stalking out local gas stations and auto parts stores for some kids desperate to raise money for a trip to Washington, DC!

Happy Friday!

Peace!

Wet Cake Brains

Every day (Mon-Fri) I get up, get dressed and head to my job. I work in a nice office building. I have a great view of the grounds outside of my office. My hours are flexible and I never feel rushed or guilty about taking a long lunch or leaving early if I needed to. My boss doesn't stand at my neck 8 hours a day watching my every move. I have set work hours; Mon-Fri. 8am-5pm but can work a flex-schedule if I need to do something outside of work. My career field is interesting and I've been in it for 14'ish years.

I have a job!

Perfect, right?!

Yes...it's perfect.

BUT......................

I spend 7 hours out of the 8 hours bored to tears and looking for shit to do. (Yes, I've blogged about this subject before, but it's my blog and I can blog about it a zillion times if I want to). I actually feel like my brain is turning to mush and my professional ego has imploded to nothing.

I miss the challenge of my job. I miss being balls-to-the-wall busy..the kind of busy where I come in everyday, go from one task to another until time to close up shop and go home from the day totally exhausted.

I miss having deadlines and expectations. I miss feeling accomplished when I've done something great or even something small and meaningful. I miss knowing that my work is valued - and being given more challenging responsibilities once I've been deemed ready. I miss being in control of my professional destiny.

  

Jobs in my career field are scarce and the local market is thin as tissue paper; especially in the professional arena. I can't just throw my resume out there in the wind and hope that someone sees it at the right moment. There is a discretion and selectiveness that has to be considered - HR folks know each other around here.

What's that you say??
"Go tell your boss that you need more responsibility".

Sounds great on paper, but in a work environment focused on cutting indirect cost (e.i. my job and others like it), I would rather eat crickets than jeopardize the job I do have. I am smart enough to not complain and damn well smart enough to look busy even when my brains are dripping out of my ears. The truth is...we are just not THAT busy around here (thanks to all of the awesome budget cuts in Military and Space exploration spending).

How long can I keep up this facade without major prescription drugs, because I seriously thinks it's driving me crazy!?

It's got me thinking...is it time to redirect my career? Go in a different field and dance among other types of flowers?  Or do I continue to look outside of my glass walls at what used to be, keep my pie-hole clamped tight and shuffle papers back and forth?

Peace!

Holy Hiatis, Batman!

After a week away from Blogging, Working, Working Out, Eating Healthy, and daily Facebooking... I've made it back to civilization (of sorts). Trust me when I tell you that it's HARD getting back into the full swing of normal living after such a break.; especially at 4:15am this morning when we got up and headed to the gym after checking our weight (gain) last night before bed!

Rich and I made it to, and back from, the West Coast safe and sound without one hitch in our airline travels! As a matter of fact, we arrived (going out) 30 minutes before our appointed arrivals - even all the way to LAX! The ONLY snag we hit was with the rental car. We get to the rental place and are given a 'section' (of which we were already upgraded to because we are frequent renters), we go out to the lot and low and behold...not one car in lot 4! WTH? Oh, but we can take any car from section 5...it's 100% full with minivans! No Thanks! "But it will take a while and we are not sure when a Section 4 vehicle will be available". Don't care...we are not taking a minivan!!! So we waited for only about 20-25 minutes but it paid off and we got a snazzy Altima that was saaaweet

After hitting the first In-N-Out that we could find, our trip officially started!

We head out of LA to the High Desert, visiting our youngest son along the route for a little bit (he had school), before getting to our oldest son's home. Our days and nights were spent just enjoying our kids and grandson (he's 3 1/2) a great deal; without any predetermined agenda whatsoever! The guys went golfing and shopping and my daughter-in-law and I did our own thing...for 4 1/2 days.

Our grandson kept us on our toes and laughing! Thank goodness his Papa had a lot of energy because he sure required it! Still in recovery mode I wasn't able to run after him and pick him up to play, but we got some good quiet time together to play legos, talk, play with his toys and just have 'our' time. Clearly if you put me and Rich in a room and tell him to run to his favorite...I would get left in the dust in a heartbeat! Grandmama, who??

Our last day we headed to Venice Beach for a walk-around before dinner in LA. After saying goodbye to our kids and grandson in the parking lot of that little Mexican restaurant (that's just so wrong on so many levels), Rich and I dropped off our nephew and headed to our hotel near LAX to catch our early morning flight.

Before we knew it, morning came and we breezed right through check-in and LAX security without so much as more than a few minutes wait; we were sitting on row 24 of our first leg to home. The trip was over in a flash and each mile flown was one less mile back to reality and the life that awaited us home in Alabama.

The trip was better than we could have ever imagined!

All Packed and Ready to Roll

Rich and I are all overpacked and ready to fly out tomorrow morning. I have made my list and checked it twice just to make sure that I haven't forgotten anything important: vitamins/meds: check, clean undies: check, chargers for every electronic gadget (ipods, cameras, Kindles, cell phones): check, razors: check, neck pillows: check, Joey: check....the list goes on and one into 1 large checked bag, 1 travel golf club bag, and two carry-on backpacks. The weather between here (Bama) and there (Southern Cali/High Desert) is so different but yet similar, that it's almost impossible to pack appropriately. I swear I have packed 4 cardigan sweaters just in case, and because they look ever so cute with the shirts I packed,  and one light jacket. Rich just rolled up t-shirts, underwear, socks and a pair of jeans...yep, that will do him for 5 days. My 1/2 of the suitcase almost bulges with "what if" clothes,

Anywhoo...woo...we are packed and ready to leave this sleepy, crazy town tomorrow morning at 7am and touch down at LAX around noon! I LOVE traveling with Rich because he is just an awesome travel-mate! Plus, he can maneuver the California traffic like a pro and doesn't mind that I bury my eyes in a book while he does it.

Until next Blog....Happy trails!

California Comfort - Family Style

Rich and I board a plane for the West Coast tomorrow morning to visit two of our children (DIL & grandson) and other family. It's a trip we have been looking forward to and desperately need! It's difficult to live so far away from our children and to see our grandson grow up through photographs and stories; these infrequent trips mean so much to us!

Our oldest son is my husband's biological son (I abhor the word "step-son" - or 'step" anything!), from his first marriage ~ through circumstances beyond our control, I've only known him for 5 years and we've not always had the closest relationship. Previous trips to visit have felt strained and stressful for both of us. Each time I tried to move emotionally or physically (hugs) to him, he would step further away and I felt like I could never catch him long enough to show him that I really do love him as my own and that I care. When we would pose for pictures you could physically feel the wall between us. It was like being stuck on a merry-go-round where we are on opposite sides and no matter what we just wouldn't end up in the same place, ever.

He was skeptical because he didn't grown up around us and didn't understand how someone (me) who didn't raise him, could actually love him like I did. He didn't believe that I loved him from the moment I married his Dad, even though it took years to finally meet him in person. It seemed like every thing I said or action of love that I extended, was analyzed and questioned. It was a frustrating cycle that I gave up on many times. Couldn't he just "believe"  that unconditional love just happens between a mother and child; regardless of the blood running through the child's veins?

A breakthrough happened several months ago and he was faced with the truth, without any action from me. It was a strange turn of events that occurred and I cried for days out of sadness for time lost, fear of rejection and excitement of 'is this real?". Recently my son called me "Mom" and I just about burst into tears but instead played it like it was a normal things to hear. He may never know what that one word, spoken with honesty, meant to me.

He and I are in a new place...a good place..and I am looking forward to this trip to California!
Peace

Charles Ferrell

My Uncle Charles Ferrell died last night. After suffering several weeks with back pain, he was diagnosed last Friday with Stage 4 lung cancer that had metastasized to his bones, neck and spine. It all happened so quickly that minds are still reeling, wondering how this could happen...to him...to my Aunt and cousins.

My heart aches for my Aunt Ellen as she is faced with so much right now. Her burdens will be heavier than they have every been as she buries her sweet husband and has to find the strength to continue to care for her mother-in-law and Uncle Charles' aunt. She has no one to help her now in Florida..to lean on, to comfort her after the dust has settled and the shock wears off. My cousins live on the West Coast, where Aunt Ellen has always longed to return.

In two days Rich and I will be leaving for California to visit our kids. My heart is torn between wanting to be 'there' for my Aunt but knowing I need to be with my children and grandson.  It's too late to change plans but going forward makes me feel so guilty.

Peace

When

When

You are in a funk

I

feel

small

invisible

unimportant

untouchable

unkissable.
Unworthy
of
a
smile
a
kiss
a
touch.

Helpless

I

ache.

The Saturday Post

No...not the magazine...my POST!

I've been up since way too early for a Saturday morning. Rich left for drill before the sun came up and I've been sitting at my kitchen table since 5am scanning photographs. It has taken me 1 1/2 years to finally go through the photographs that my parents had..to actually hold them and look back over the memories that stare back at me. It's tough, its painful - regardless of the happy, smiling faces captured in them, and I can't even begin to sugar coat how it feels.

Recently a family member asked for all for the photos and blasted me for 'keeping them to myself", because it was taking me so long to part with them. I understand...I also understand that this person still had his/her parents and can't imagine how it feels, regardless of how much they loved my parents - but you have to truly be at a point of semi-strength to go through things so intimate as a picture. Just as it took each of us a long time to clean their home, go through storage, clean out storage, donate their clothes...we all have/had our own time of when we can do certain things relating to our parents things - pictures are no different.

I did the only thing I could do and that was to start scanning all of the pictures before releasing them to the masses; which I've done off and on over the past few weeks. In the stillness of this morning, I would pick up a photo to scan, look at it, and be taken back to a particular time and place and remember what it felt like to be loved by my Mom and Dad. I cried many a tear this morning before I had to stop looking at them all together and just open the scanner lid, plop down a picture and hit scan.

Soon each picture will be scanned and I will let them go.

Peace

Sing with me Now....

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hal..le..lu..jah!

This my Friends in Blogland, is how I feel this morning!

This tummy tuck recovery has been a real bitch! Not only has it been uncomfortable 90% of the time, but I haven't slept worth shit,  I've been swollen so bad in my hips, my back and lower abs, I've had to go back to relying on my binder full time and  ...well - I end up whining all the freaking time! Just ask my husband! Trust me when I say...I even annoy myself with my constant whining and complaining!

So last Friday morning I did what any other person in the Universe would do in this situation - I hit Google wide open. Surely to goodness I'm doing this recovery thing all wrong; what am I missing?? Why do I feel like I'm not progressing?

I hit pay dirt when I came across the blog of a fellow sister tummy-tucker! She's about 2 1/2 years out from her surgery and looks a-m-a-z-i-n-g! So I went back in time to when she was at 8-9 weeks (like I am now) and low and behold - I'm NORMAL! She also mentioned that her turning point came by way of a Lymphatic Drainage Massage. 

Another Google or two later and I located the ONLY Massage Therapist Board Certified to do LDM in the entire STATE - IN MY TOWN!

Talk about Divine intervention!

As quick as I could dial the number I was in like Flin! Yesterday I had my 60 minute session. I arrived stiff from pain and discomfort and left without it! I slept restlessly last night (nothing new) and woke this morning with energy and virtually

PAIN FREE.

I even got up and went to the gym - which I haven't been up to doing in more than a week. Other than a little soreness in a couple of key recovery areas, (and I'm not wearing my binder), I'm feeling great!

I swear by all things holy...there is value in Blogging, my Friends! Had one woman not taken time to document her recovery I would not be feeling like I do right this very minute! VALUE I tell ya!

Peace!

Nothing about Nothing...

This is how I feel! I have a blog and I love to blog...but lately I can't find the words to Blog about. Things happen randomly throughout my day and I think..."I should TOTALLY blog about that!" - or Rich and I have a moment of sheer entertainment and I snarkly say to him.."Don't make me Blog about this/that". And then, BAM - I can't remember any of it, or the potential content suddenly seems lame a few hours later.

Sometimes I write about how I'm feeling...but is that really interesting? I could say a thousand times a day how lost, hardened and utterly deeply I feel about not having my parents alive - but that's every day..and some days its more intense than others - so it's nothing new, and frankly - I know I need to start moving past it (and I'm REALLY trying). - it's probably boring to others.

 I could write about the stupidity of my job and how it pains me to actually feel dumbed down, professionally underutilized, and how my professional self-esteem has been drained by the monotiny..but the flip side is that I have a well paying job amid a declining economy; so I'm lucky to have a boring job to go to.

I could blog about my fabulous kids and grandkids..but I really am not all that comfortable pulling them into my blog since they haven't asked to be 'exposed'.

I could write about my tummy tuck recovery - haven't I done that and thrown in a few pictures? OH, BTW...I'm going today to have a Lymphatic Drainage massage that I HOPE will give me some relief of some intense pain and swelling!!!!

I could write about my awesome, amazing and studly husband - but the kids would spend the day retching over the toilet and his co-workers would never let him hear the end of it!

And sometimes I fill that there are just no words in my head.....nothing...hollow...crickets chirping emptiness. Then I find myself thinking - why the fuck am I NOT thinking a damn thing? Is that normal? To not be thinking about ANYTHING??

See what I mean??? Too much but not enough to write about. So I'm stuck with Blog Writer's Block and I'm not sure how to get over the hump.

Peace!

Don't you hate when....

- You get up in a good mood
- You know just excatly what you will wear as soon as you get in the shower
- You do hair and makeup and feel pretty damn great about how that all went
- You get dress and YES...you feel good about what you picked out!
- You get to work, feeling confident and ready for the day
- The first person you see says/asks.....

Person: "Do you feel okay? You look like you don't feel well?"
Me: "No, I feel great"
Person: "Oh, okay...you just look tired" <<< They leave my office>>>>

Me - I get out my mirror..look at myself. Well, maybe my eyes look tired (put in eye drops), maybe I look washed out (apply a more red lipstick).

:o( 

I feel defeated

Dear Mom & Dad...

I miss you so much!

Trail of Tears

Friday afternoon Rich and I  geared up and headed to Chattanooga, TN for the annual Trail of Tears motorcycle ride. The 2 1/2 ride was not bad and the weather held up wonderfully. I was a bit concerned about how I would do on the trip at 7 weeks out of surgery, but I held on and did great!

The Trail of Tears ride commemorates the plight of the Native Americans who were forced out of GA/TN to Oklahoma. 17,000 Indians began their walk and 13,000 made it to their destination. The motorcycle ride we took part in follows only one removal routes that the Cherokee Nation had to endure.

(Getting ready to leave)

This is the fourth year that we have ridden in this event along with 10,000-13,000 other motorcyclist. We lined up early and headed out at 8am sharp Saturday morning.

There is just such a 'brotherhood' and respect among riders and a feeling of surrealness as we made our way across Southern Tennessee into Alabama.

(Making our way up the Swanee Mountain - Saturday morning)

The Swanee mountain pass is beautiful but full of sharp curves. Unfortunately we came upon a motorcycle wreck in one of the curves not long after this picture was taken. As we passed the scene and I saw the two bodies laying on the side of the road. In tight situations like this you can't stop and you can't rubberneck - the downed riders had others caring for them until help could arrive; with stomachs turning we kept our eyes on the road, said a quick prayer and continued on.

(Rich and Todd)

After encountering one more accident along the way, we finally arrived at our first stop 4 hours later. We met up with our friend Todd and his brother & Dad. Rich and Todd were deployed together, Todd was the commander of the team  - the team was separated and Todd served his year at another base from Rich. He and his lovely wife have become good friends of ours and I always enjoy seeing them whenever we get the chance.

After a quick lunch we were back on the road again, heading to Florence, AL (my hometown).

 (Bikes as far as the eye could see - in front of us and behind us)

 (The man in the mirror)

(This is what I looked at for 6 hours)

The ride ended in Florence; although some folks went on the Waterloo (another historical location for the Indians - here many were loaded into boats and endured severe conditions on their journey to OK), but we opted to end our ride in my hometown. After a walk around, looking at the vendor wares and watching some pow-wow dancing, Rich and I saddled up and headed back to the Rocket City.

My body payed for the fun Sunday and yesterday but it sure was a nice event and a great time with my husband.

Peace!

In the Still of the Night...

I watched television in bed last night as my husband slept beside me. In the glow of the screen I looked at the man I married almost 14 years ago. His breathing was steady and true, his features softened by sleep. I reached out and ran my hand through his short military haircut and it hit me.


I am so in love with this man and I am happier than I've ever been!

Peace!

Ta-Daaaaa......

Okay..it's been 6 weeks since surgery and I KNOW that you have been on pins and needles waiting for the big post-surgery reveal. I've waited this long to give me a little more healing time and swelling to go down but NOW I think I'm ready.

So...without further ado (sorry Colonel - if you are reading this...it may be more than you want to know about your FRG Leader!)....

Ta-Daaaaaa.

 BEFORE #1

AFTER #1 

(notice that the moles on the left are lower now?)
The red  and marks around my waist and under my new belly button is from the binder I wore today.

BEFORE #2

AFTER #2

I still have some swelling in going on in the hips and lower tummy area; it'll take a couple of months for it to go down. 

A little Q&A for you:

1. Did it hurt? Well, hell yeah it hurt!
2. Did it hurt more or less than you thought it would? It just just like I figured it would.
3. How much time did you take off work? 2 1/2 weeks, but should have taken the full 3 weeks.
4. What was the worst part about  recovery? Hmmm, I think pooping, followed by having the drains!
5. What was the best part about recovery? Pooping and Getting the drains out!Oh, and being able to take a shower!
6. Are you glad you did it? Every day - even when I was at my worst!
7. Have you bought skinny clothes yet? Um...NO. My ass is still a size 10/12...that didn't change. My clothes just fit better.
8. Would you do it again knowing what you went through? Definitely. Rich may think twice about it because he had to do everything for me!
9. Are you still sore? Yeah, I'm sore in my abs, hips and back (from the lipo).
10. Do you have a big scar? Yes, it goes from hip to hip and is just under the top of my panty line. It will fade out and become lower over time.
11. Was it expensive? Oh yeah..........

So, there it is - there I am....

Peace

Roll Tide and all that Jazz!

I am not a sports fan. Well, let me take that back a few steps....I am not a sports fanatic! I will watch racing, college football,  maybe a little baseball (even MMA and Golf) IF it's on but I don't actively seek out any sport. My husband is the same way (thank goodness) - then again he will seek out GOLF every once in awhile. We sooo don't follow sports that we have to be told when there is a 'major' game or event on and who's playing (even the Super Bowl).

In Alabama you are either an Alabama fan or an Auburn fan. Major decisions are based upon where your allegiance lies (jobs, whether you are invited to the family reunion, what side of the street you will live on). There is a lady that I work with who wears an Alabama shirt every single Friday (casual Friday) and has for the 3 1/2 years that I've worked there.; she said that Auburn fans weren't allowed at her home at all - and she actually means it. As an Alabama native I have never placed my flag on either side of the state.

True-Blue College Football fans are just a few yards away from C-R-A-Z-Y - and I say that lovingly. I know several of them and still love being around them! Their enthusiasm and passion for the pigskin just makes me smile, laugh and even stunned to silence!

This Saturday I had my first taste of true College Football game watching - food filled Tailgating (yep, my very first!). This group of great folks were all Tide fans! Alabama memorabilia was spattered throughout the house, on the walls, in the paint color in the kitchen, in decorations, and even on cookies. There were TVs strategically set-up inside and outside...these folks don't play any other way! I took a backseat to watch the scenery as grown men and women jumped, screamed, yelled and cheered along through four quarters. At one point there was a hat thrown and a door slammed in disgust. When Alabama scored a round-robin of high-fives and some kissing among the couples occurred. Even a 2 year old was yelling "Roll Tide Roll"! That was too cute!

Once the game was over and 'we' won, people began to gather up their families and leave. Hugging all around, "see you later" or "nice to meet you", followed by "Roll Tide" exchanges. I almost think that when we got there we were greeted with "Roll Tide" at introduction time...

Anywhoo....it was a great Saturday and a great first hand experience of tailgating!

There is a Season

I saw a tree this morning with leaves starting to turn. It's a sign a Fall...the end of Summer. A new season. A new change. There have been six seasons since Mom and Dad died. Each one that came and went brought about a change of some kind for us that were left to mourn them. Seasons brought separation, reunion, weddings, babies, new opportunities and loss.

We stood strong through those seasons; it was a great ride! As Summer ended recently and the mark of Autumn/Fall showed itself on the horizon, another change occurred. The force that has broken us struck with fury and her truth was revealed. There is a surprise that it took as long as it did to break us; as we were never really strong together without them. To isolate has been the goal and her success is proven.

Words spoken in anger reveal all truths; cause wounds ~ even the words between the lines. You can't take them back or erase them once they are spoken. They also reveal that the words of love, family and friendship spoken before were all lies. That hurts the most...that was the plan I guess. We've spoken harshly and not at all through the years..finally there came a break and I was drawn in to the warmth of friendship and familial respect/love. Finally..a mutual place..peace..harmony..love. When the rain fell and washed away the tissue-paper veil there was a realization that it wasn't as real as I thought. This season didn't bring anger from me, just a feeling of loss again at what I thought was true. It wasn't.

Seasons come.
Seasons go.

Take Me to Funkytown..

I

Am

In

A

Funk

Not just a general funk..but a real, full-blown, funky funk. I'm so over this recovery business that I could just scream (except it would hurt). I'm ready to be not be sore anymore.. to not wear a binder anymore...did I say feeling sore? I'm further along as I was yesterday or even 5 weeks ago, but I'm anxious to get this fast-tracked to O-V-E-R and feel normal again.

Rich being gone on a business trip has me in a funk. It's not deployment, it's not even for a long time..but not having him in my space really blows. I think I have a side-effect from his deployment where I just feel lost when he's gone on any kind of travel. I NEVER used to be this way before deployment!

I miss having girlfriends...wait, I've never really had those..wait, I take that back.. I did have one once.  Sometimes I just really, really want a girlfriend to just talk to - like talk to-talk to. Someone to force (and bribe with lunch) to go shopping with me to help me find just the right clothes (I hate to shop with a purple passion so Rich gets the shopping job when he's available). I want a girlfriend that I can vent to and that will agree with me about everything because she's my girlfriend - or tell me the flat out truth for the same reason. I have my husband for all of these things but there is just something about having another female to talk to, shop with and hang out with.

I'm in a funk over a combination of missing my folks and family issues. Why they ever died and left us with such a disfunctional family dynamic is completely beyond me. Then again, with our dysfunctional family dynamic as it is, maybe they were on to something. I miss my sister. I miss the relationship I wish I had with my brothers, but am grateful that we have one at all.

I'm in a funk because it's overcast outside. I could use a ray of sunshine today. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm in a funk just because I can be in a funk for no other reason.

"Won't you take me to

Funkytown

Won't you take me to

Funkytown

Gotta make a move to a

Town that's right for me

Town to keep me movin'

Keep me groovin' with some energy"

Peace!

Oh, the Conversations in My Head..

There are many people without filters on their mouth. They are able to say what they want, when they want, to whom they want, and without any regard for anyone in earshot. If someone pisses them off or hurts their feelings, all bets are off and the verbal assault is on. I actually admire them for their devil-may-care attitude ~ unless it's directed at me!

I am not like this. As a matter of fact, unless pushed to the very end of my tolerance cliff, I generally will not begin or participate in a verbal tirade with another person. That's not to say that I'm weak and will just take and take from someone that has offended me, it just means that I can control my mouth. I get that from my Mother!

Now...my head is a different story.

This past week has been a toughie for me...on 2 occasions I have been hurt that turned to anger, on another I have been in a mixture of grief/anger. As much as I wish I was a total stark-raving bitch, I've control myself quite well I think. My sister once called it going into my "HR-mode"...maybe she's right. As much as I would LOVE to let loose and verbally (or physically) strip the skin right off of those that hurt/angered me, I realize that I'm a damn adult and expending that much energy towards someone only benefits the other person because 'they got to me' or 'got even', I guess. That's also not to say that I didn't find one of the offenders on FB and send them a point blank message about how her immature actions have impacted me. It wasn't an angry cuss-wording-filled tirade (why bother?), but it was direct. And it's also not to say that I didn't send a nice thoughtful note to another offender. I can be a bitch with kindness dripping from my fangs!

In my head though...I can do some damage. I hold one-sided conversations with these people and let loose with both barrels blazing. It's a deadly sick place up there between my ears! I can come up with some scary shit to say to someone if given the chance to finally say whatever the hell I want. It would literally change lives and have wild animals scurrying for shelter! When I hear stupid crap that someone says indirectly about me, my tongue does not release the venom lurking in my mouth; instead I may spout out something tame'ish and assault them with horrific thoughts of dismemberment in silent thought!

Oh..yes, it's a terrible place to be and sometimes I scare the hell out of myself!

Why this post today? Well, I was driving into work thinking about something someone said about me - I don't care enough to address the person directly so in my head I told him all of the things I wanted to say...and I feel better now! AND NOOOOOOO..it was not my wonderful, awesome husband!

(p.s. - Rich & kids...for the record NOTHING has happened today to bring about this post. It's just what I wanted to write about.).

Peace!