And Then There is Hate..

There are individuals that I have encountered throughout my 45 years that I dislike immensely. Folks that I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire or notice (or care) if they fell off the face of the earth.There is no love-loss in the severing of those relationship.

And then there is Hate.

Up until last night night there were only three people in the World that I hate. I'm not talking 'hate' ...like when I say I hate mayonnaise (which is true); I mean the true form of the word. For those people I truly have a deep deep hatred - every day that they live is another day of stolen air from the rest of us. Once they die off the Earth will shift and one of the many dark clouds will roll away to reveal a more harmonious existence. Although they are not in my life in any shape or form any longer - and haven't been for 15 years, the feelings I have toward them have never faded and won't as long as they breath. I've moved on in my life and do not dwell on 'those' people at all, or the pain they caused me and my children..I function just fine in my life in-spite of them. They do not rob me of emotions by my continuing to hate them..I don't spend waking moments knowing that I hate them..it's just a natural instinct. Once they are gone from this world I will not feel bad for their families or feel bad that they are gone - if fact, I will just 'be'.

I found myself saying the words (last night) to my husband about 'hating' someone else. Someone that has robbed me and someone I love, of a meaningful relationship. This person built a wall between my step-son and I that I have been unable to penetrate for almost 14 years. I would beat my head against the wall in an effort to finally see a breakthrough - only to be defeated. For years I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me and what was so wrong with my marrying his father, that prevented "N" and I from forming a familial bond.  Last night I found out the truth..and it hurt deeply. I can't remember the last time I have cried from the very depths of my gut.  From what I know, "N" is just as shocked as I am at the lengths taken to build and  feed the wall. He thought it was me, I thought it was him...it was someone else and completely out of our hands. As he grew to adulthood he brought with him the wall that he grew up around. Our relationship was never able to grow and we were reduced to speaking pleasantries across the top of the wall.

The truth is out of the bag and we have both been wounded. I woke up crying and have cried once more so far today. I cry for time that we can never get back and for what we could have had. I cry out of fear for what is next. I cry because I feel vindicated in a way. I cry because my heart hurts so much and crying is all I can do right now.I'm not sure where "N" and I go from here; I don't even know what to say or what I want to hear.

But, I do know that I've added a fourth person to my list.I'm not ashamed of that.