Grapes of Life...

I love the feeling of wine as it slides through my mouth! My head slightly swims with 'nothingness'. The joys of the fruit! Cheers!

There's No One Home.....

Every morning I wake and have to mentally remind myself that my parents are gone. When I drove to work I reminded myself. When I went to and from my doctors appointment today - I had to remind myself. As I drove home from Walmart-hell after work, I had to remind myself.... these are all moments when I would've picked up the phone and called 'home' to chat. I cried all the way home; picked up my cell phone several times to find someone to call. Who would I call? What would I say? "Hey, I just wanted to call and cry in your ear. That's all... thanks for listening". Then I told myself that I have no one to call and put my cell back in my purse. Oh, I have my brothers and sister... but how can I put my grief on them when they are dealing with their own? What about R2? He has more than enough going through his mind with deployment preparation. Again - what would I say to someone that I called anyway?

I told myself to suck it up...fixed my make-up, put away my groceries and made my husband an amazing dinner.

The Phantom Feeling...

Dear Mom and Dad - I miss you so much and I love you endlessly!

My mind and heart play tricks on me. I've read where amputees speak of feeling phantom pain where their body once felt life and I can't help but relate to that in some way. I feel Mom and Dad are here - but knowing in my heart they aren't. It still is not real that they've died. Yesterday I couldn't help myself - I called their cell phones and found myself leaving them messages. There was a sad comfort in dialing their numbers again and leaving a message after the beep. Soon the phones will be turned off and I won't have the luxury of hearing my Dad say "Hello, my name is Record. John can't answer right now so he left me in charge. So if you have a message for him, tell me, and I'll give him the message". My Mom had the the standard voice message - I wish I could hear her voice one more time. So many times throughout the day I 'remember' that I need to call Mama only to be horribly reminded that she's gone.

I didn't cry today. Not yet.

Enough to keep me going...

Rich has been gone for two week - one more to go. CPT's wife and children took the 2.5 hour road trip with me to see our guys. Mrs. CPT  is a wonderful person - the trip was so much easier with her riding shot-gun! We came out of the ladies restroom of our meeting point and there they stood. Two women, traveling with children... how did they EVER figure out we were in the ladies room?! LOL! My husband was a wonderful site for my weary eyes and and heart! We held each other and shared a zillion kisses while standing there on the edge of the shoe department. My heart was whole again for those few special moments. We all went for lunch, sharing two-weeks worth of stories, laughter and got to know each other over our meal. What a treasured time! The two families split off (though ending up at the same places) to be alone and fill our hearts with the brief family time we have.

The next 5 hours flew by in a blink. We stood in the darkening parking lot with much the same expressions of love we had hours earlier in the department store. One hug wanted to be two. One kiss wanted to be five more. It was difficult to let go but we knew that only a few more day separates us now. This time together was just enough to repair the broken heart I've had this week.

The long drive home gave me time to wonder how I will live without my husband when he goes down range. We have gone through the excitement of early marriage, then the years of hallway sex (you know - you pass each other in hallway and both say f-you), the time when there is zero communication and we struggle from breaking under the stresses of our life, the times of lengthy business travels for both of us - often feeling the relief of getting the hell out of the house and away from everything. We've survived the raising of our children with a few major family breakdowns along the way. Now, here we are 12.5 years later, our children are grown, our jobs are stable, and we've come full circle back to the newness and excitement of the love we built long ago. Rich and I complete each other in every way. As time draws closer to our long separation, I wonder how I will be able to breath without him in my space. Against better judgment I read blogs of Wives of Wounded Soldiers and Spouses of Soldiers with PTSD or TBI..... and I'm afraid. But I will breath him in every day we have and be enough to keep him strong when going down range.
 ~ Renee

No tears today...

I haven't cried today - I haven't even felt like I was going to cry. Have I just damn well dried up?! I think I did it all yesterday. After having a MAJOR meltdown in the lobby at work yesterday that lasted for an hour and a half ... I went home afterwards... I just felt I needed one more day off to myself. Today I am... no sure what you'd call it... maybe 'nothing'. No better or worse - just here.

Rich called this morning (for those of you joining the show - Rich is my amazingly tolerate husband). Rich is a soldier in the National Guard. He left less than a week after Mom and Dad's funeral to a 3-week pre-deployment training.... one more week to go. The timing sure sucked but orders are orders, right? Since he's only 3.5 hours away I am going to Fort Away-from-Home on Saturday to see him. He's been sick since he's been gone. After sleeping in a tent the first 3 days in the snow and cold without heat and electricity - and had to admit defeat and come out of the field to sick bay for a shot in the ass and some meds. He's still in a tent BTW. He's a bit older than the soldiers he's training with so I think the pain to his pride was worse than the pain in his ass! This is just the first of several training opportunities before going down range.

I have kept busy today.. took Jake to the vet. He has kennel cough from his visit to the vet last week for shots. Ironic, huh? They've given him some pretty potent meds to knock out his infection. I still thinkthe will need doggy prozac when Rich leaves for the sandbox! Do you think they make that? I went to town - Walmart... gosh, I haven't been there since before Christmas. It hasn't changed and I got the hell out of there! Kelley is coming over for dinner and a movie with a few friends (and my wonderful niece). It's Pizza Soup and Italian Grilled Cheese Sandwiches!

I talked to my oldest and dearest friends today. I never have to censor myself with her - there's nothing about my life that she doesn't know. If I told her I needed to bury a body - she would buy the shovel, measure the body, scoop the first scoop and have an iron-clad alibi waiting!  I said to her...."This all sucks" - she said "Yep. It's all f'ed up and it sucks to be you!" I love her!

No tears. No depression. No sadness. Nothing - yet.

What happens if I exhale??

I'm not sure...This is the only way I know to start. Getting the words and thoughts out of my head into some 'nothingness' is the only thing I know to keep from breaking in a million pieces and blowing in the wind. My head and my heart are full.

My parents died recently. Mom on Dec. 29th and my Dad on Dec. 31st. How in hell does that happen?! My family prepared the best we could for our Dad to pass after a 9 month long illness (heart attack and stroke), but Mom's unexpected death completely took the breath from us...I haven't gotten it back. The grief is just overwhelming right now. I hear "it'll get better" - that's just f'ing great but it doesn't help me TODAY! It gives me no comfort whatsoever to hear that 'they did not suffer', 'the good thing is that they are together', 'this is the way they would've wanted to die - together', 'cherish the memories, and the all too often said, 'think of the good times'. WTF? My parents were a focal point in our lives...they were our rock and foundation of everything we did. They were married for 50 years; since ages 16 and 18. Unless you've had to hold a dual funeral and bury your parents at the same time...you can't possibly believe those words help. Please don't say - God won't give you more than you can handle.... seriously? I want to hear - 'yeah, you're right... it does suck! It bites that you are orphaned now and that the life you've had for 43 years is gone and you have to make a new one without your parents'.There is no road map, no instructions, no answers.

Friends have asked 'how are you'? My heart is grateful for their concern but my head wants to scream.. how the hell do you think I am... I've just buried both of my Mom and Dad? Yesterday someone asked ' are you doing okay?', to which I said.. 'honestly, no I'm not. But thank you for asking'. The person stood there (at a loss for words) and changed the subject. I wonder..when people ask that question do they really want to know or are they just trying to fill an awkward moment? Do they really want to hear that my head aches from the tension and stress? What about the way my heart grips all the way up to my throat in grief, how when I close my eyes my mind replays my life and events with my parents - up through the funeral. Do people want to know that I cry every morning and every night and at least once in between? Is it worth mentioning that I'm angry and sad at the same time? Or that I'm scared? I've had a few friends within the past few weeks lose a parent - hell, I don't even know what to say to them. My heart aches for them because I know the grief they feel. It sucks.... it really does!