A Silent Walk Around "The House"

I walked the floors of my childhood home recently...room to room.

We called it "The House".

The walls are bare now, the rooms are empty.

No pictures, furniture or dish remain.

As I roamed in silence I relived in my mind, the memories of 38 years in The House. 

Bits and pieces of my childhood and adult life in The House...my children's lives in  The House.

From the holidays to just-because family gatherings; The House was alive with laughter,

TV, endless conversation & coffee, kids running amuck...

Mom and Dad died

The House died too.

9 months ago they all died together.
The House is empty now, quiet and sad.

It's all gone - only memories remain. 

It's no longer "The House" now...it's just a house.

The four of us are left behind to let it go.

To seek closure and healing.

In hopes that it'll be a "The House" for someone else.

Just a Small Vent...

Several, several months ago I had a former work friend (that got laid off last year) on my Facebook; although we never really chatted or commented on each other's pages on a regular basis, I still considered this person a friend of sort. Sometime after my parents died and my husband deployed I noticed that this 'friend' (Friend X) never recognized the traumatic changes in my life. In the midst of my grief and depression I received a message on FB that simply said "When am I going to get called back to work"? What?? I deleted this person - I do not care to discuss my job or work conditions on FB.

Last week I was surprised to see this person again wanted to be my "Friend". What the Hell... I accepted Friend X...the first message was "What's going on at XYZ Company? I wrote back..."Nothing". Person X wrote, "Any word on when I may get to be called back"? To say I was disappointed does not begin to tell how I felt. I again deleted this peron without responding and will never again accept his/her friend request. I understand that person X is curious about a job...but I work M-F, 8am-5pm and they have the number.

Then today..someone that I had deleted at one time (just because I got tired of person B's sensless ramblings) 'friends' me again. Sure, why not - I can always hide her. Sure enough - I get a message on FB asking me to help his/her son get a job at XYZ Company. Seriously? That's the only reason this person wanted to be my 'friend' was to get her son a job? Hmmm.... I just deleted her message and 'hide' her.

I certainly don't mind being friends with people on facebook..but it just pisses me off when some people have a hidden agenda when they friend you! Some 'friends' just want to look at my pictures and see how I've aged over the past 25 years (I've aged well!!) and troll through my pictures. There's never an exchange of words..they are just curious. Fair enough - I end up deleting them after a while so it's no big deal.

Anyway - there's no real blog here ...just a small vent!

Love, Peace & a Big "Like" Button!

:o)

My Husband's Facebook Status today:

Rich Richardson EOT = End of Tour Date. Just told my wife the date range! I could hear her scream with happiness all the way from Alabama. If that didn't raise an eyebrow I don't know what will! Sweeeeeeeetttt! "The Needful" has been done!

 I KNOW we are dealing with the Army and dates can change at any time...the EOT has moved 2 weeks up, then 2 weeks back, then 30 days further, and up to the new EOT range.   

Although it can (and may) change a zillion times between now and then - today I am a happy wife!

Come on R&R (still a few months away) so we can get this deployment on the fast track to Over!!!

Wordless Wednesday...

Each Moment...

From: Richardson, Renee
Sent: Tuesday, September 21, 2010 8:37 AM
To: Richardson, (Rich)
Subject: Tuesday

 My Wonderful Husband….. Hi!
It’s Tuesday morning here and I’m just getting settled in at work. I have very little on my agenda today (no big surprise there), I’m going to spend a little time on the old resume. I have a few FRG things to handle and some other personal task to look into. That should all keep me busy until lunch! I had a pretty good workout this morning; obviously because I am so sore I’m not sure I could wipe my nose if it started running.
All is well here on the home front so far – it’s only 8am.
I love you endlessly and completely!!
How are you, Love?

From: Richardson, (Rich)
Sent: Tuesday, September 21, 2010 5:31 PM
To: Richardson, Renee
Subject: RE: Tuesday (UNCLASSIFIED)

 Good to hear your hanging with the workout. Keep with it! I even dread going every day. But it’s a good break! Or is it? Because it’s a lot of work.
Today I went to a “Ramp Ceremony”. We have these often. A ramp ceremony is to pay respects to fallen soldiers. There were 10 today. A very sad moment, but amazing in that many soldiers from all forces go to the airfield and participate. A true collection of NATO forces paying respect. I’ll bet there will be little news about these guys making their journey home to their families and final resting place. Only until they arrive home will the local news pickup the stories. Anyhow, I kept my composure, but not easily.
I love you my dear with all my heart!

From: Richardson, Renee
Sent: Tuesday, September 21, 2010 8:50 AM
To: 'Richardson, (Rich)
Subject: RE: Tuesday (UNCLASSIFIED)
 Thanks for the vote of confidence on my working out. There are days I just don’t want to go, but those are the days I push myself out of bed at 4:30 to get there. So far I’m holding at 4 days a week..but I think I’ll add another day and try that for a while.
I cannot imagine the emotions of attending a ramp ceremony. I’ve been getting the casualty reports pretty regular from the DoD..I’ve seen the names and information of where Soldiers are from, where they died and how. It’s like a train wreck when I open my email and the see those emails waiting for me – but I can’t look away. I need to read each one and say a prayer for the families and think about that Soldier for just a moment out of respect for what they’ve sacrificed. Each day I am grateful for you and I gain a new level of Love and Respect for you! There are no guarantees there, we both know that; that’s why each moment I want you to know that I love you with every breath and beat of my soul!
10,000 Times, My Love!

I Hate This Place....

"I hate this place!"

Those were the words of my husband from the sandbox a few minutes ago! It's 6:15am there and he was walking to work (1 mile). When you are older than the majority of the Soldiers you are serving with, you can see the bullshit for what it is... and it can be quite frustrating.

Me: "I hate that place too, and cannot wait until this whole deployment is over!"

The Point....

I have FINALLY come to the point of realizing:

I am worthy of so much more Life! Meaning - I've wallowed in the grief pool for 9 months and I am tired of treading water. Since my quiet (alone-time) weekend, I have felt freer and lighter. My grief period has ended (well, its not as predominate ~ I will probably always grieve in one way or another). I'm living again!

I have an amazing family and I am more grateful for them every single day. My whole family (brothers, sister, nieces, nephews, husband, children) were dealt a horrible blow when we lost our strength & foundation (my parents) ~ we are coming out of the dust and destruction and are finding our balance and our way to carry on the Family.

I know who my friends are and who I can depend on. I realize who are 'just friends' and who has staying power in my life. I gage what my emotional & support needs are and  I know who to go to. I no longer stress over not having that one good friend that can be there for every mood, sickness, laugh/conversation, and moment. I've learned to rely on my family and myself more.

I am stronger. Stronger in my ability to work through my emotions, doubts and fears. Stronger in my mind so that I don't let those emotions, doubts, fears get the best of me anymore. Stronger in body & health.

I've realized that I've allowed myself to dumb-down in my career. I want more from work - I've worked long and hard to get to where I am. I'm making steps to make changes happen rather than sit and "wait and see".

I've realized that my husband is more than just a husband to me. He is my true partner and mate. I have a deeper appreciation, respect, and love for him. We've lived a thousand lives up until this point...we have so much more to live! I could not ask for a better companion to share the second half of my life with. The first half was a trip ~ some of it I would accept a free-ticket to go back to ~ the second half is all ours!

My children are my strength. They are amazing, wonderful people! I knew that before, but it took being stripped down to see that they are still standing here with me.

I need to let go of hurt & insecure feelings, people, situations, and crap I can't change.

I've realized that if I want things to change...if I want to change...I have to BE that change! 

Otherwise...what's the Point?

JC Penney Photo Session...

To my Bloggy Friends/Milspouses and Followers:

I just wanted to pass along this terrific opportunity to families of deployed Soldiers. I hope that you all can take advantage of this offer (and no....I'm not affiliated with JC Penney at all...just passing along information I received as an FRG Leader).

Please click the link for more information

http://www.jcpportraits.com/offers/portraitsoflove.html

A Wonderful Start to My Day!

From: Richardson, (Rich)
Sent: Monday, September 13, 2010 8:31 AM
To: Richardson, Renee
Subject: RE: Monday (UNCLASSIFIED)

Mums the word. I L U

From: Richardson, Renee
Sent: Monday, September 13, 2010 5:58 PM
To: Richardson, (Rich)
Subject: RE: Monday (UNCLASSIFIED)

Shhh….don’t tell anyone!

From: Richardson, (Rich)
Sent: Monday, September 13, 2010 8:20 AM
To: Richardson, Renee
Subject: RE: Monday (UNCLASSIFIED)

Who me?

From: Richardson, Renee
Sent: Monday, September 13, 2010 5:38 PM

To: Richardson, (Rich)

Subject: Monday

I am so in Love with you~!

Love, Peace, and a Smile on Monday Morning!

(I miss you Babe)

Sweet Slow Saturday...

Before I recount my Sweet Slow Saturday.. I want to give respect and honor to those impacted by the events of 9/11. We all have a "where were you" story..mine is no different. As tragic as 9/11 was...lives are still being lost 9 years later.


My day started slow and just never picked up speed! It was the FIRST day in many weeks/months where I was (1) nor depressed and moping, and (2) had NOTHING to do, no where to be.

It was Heaven!

I cleaned house, Skyped with my amazing husband and worked on this..... it's an afghan for my favorite Son-in-law! He's 6'8", so I have to make it extra long!












I also defended our home at Ft. Toney from these creatures that tried to invade my front porch...

Here are 2 casualties, out of about 15, that I took out from 20 feet!

  They fought the Law and the Law won!















I then dusted my hands and went back in the house to watch Hallmark movies of Lifetime the rest of my afternoon! The house was (and still is) quiet and peaceful; except for Annie's occasionally bark.

It's been just the kind of day that  needed!

I feel....amazingly refreshed and 'normal'.

Love, Peace & a Blessed Saturday Night!

Summer & Fall...

The long days of Summer are slowly fading away. Summer hadn't even begun when my husband and I stood together that chilly April morning..sharing a last hug..kiss... I Love You. Here is it moving into Fall - 156 days from then.

Summer did not bring typical backyard cookouts, thrown-together parties, beach trips, motorcycle rides, lazy Sunday mornings, or numerous trips to Lowes.  I didn't stand at the kitchen window and watch my husband mow the grass to work on a project in the garage. There were not any grilled steaks and wine on the deck. As a matter of fact, I didn't start the grill one time. Gone were the rainy Summer days that consisted of  rented movies and BLTs. There were no inpromptu trips to anywhere just because. I didn't celebrate the Holidays, Birthdays, Anniversary.

I've missed it all...all of the fun of Summer time that we've enjoyed for so many years. I am not alone - my husband has missed it all too. There's a sadness in that.

As Summer shakes of the last of its allure, the scent of Autumn/Fall tells me that 5 months have passed. I feel like I've aged so much in those months. Football season reminds me that the leaves will start to turn soon...lending way for Fall and the occasional cold of Alabama. I think it's more from having to do this while grieivng my parents, that I feel so deeply changed, so profoundly void of anything.

September's end will bring the Unit Family Day. I will be among my husband's unit Command and fellow Soldiers and their families...missing my husband. October brings Halloween.. November will bring the dreariness of Fall when the leaves fall and the days are grey. Thanksgiving. How do I do that without him (and without my parents)? I don't want to, but I know that I will.

There are days that I just can't find the energy to live again and I wonder when that will change. I want desperately to go back to who I was before death, before deployment, before the lonliness. I want to be quick to smile and laugh again. I want to look forward to every day and anything.

December will bring R&R and my husband home after 8 months. I keep pushing to get there..to visualize how it will feel to breath again and smile a real smile. To be ... for 15 days.

Love, Peace & Hot Cocoa on a Chilly Night!

Screaming.....

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Thank you.

She Came.....And Went...

 My Mother's birthday was Sept.1st. I started the day at 6:30am by calling in at work. I just couldn't pull myself out of my grief to make it to work. I spent the morning crying and sleeping. It was my Mother's 68th Birthday. God, I miss her so much!

Sept 2nd brought my Aunt E (my Mother's closest sister - she was with us when my Mother died), to town for the long weekend. As I waited for her to come down the terminal stairs at our local airport, I wondered what I would feel. Then I saw her descend the escalator to the waiting area. As she cleared the stairs and walked towards me...I saw my Mother. My God...., She looks like my Mother. My heart and throat clinched in grief but I held tight to myself. When she got to me, we embraced...I held her tightly..trying to feel Mama...Aunt E looks so much like her - was her closest sister...mannerisms were the same. Mother trusted Aunt E to take care of us and I know she waited until Aunt E. arrive on Dec. 28th, before she died on Dec. 29th. She knew Aunt E would help us. love us. be there with us.

The long weekend was spent talking, laughing and a little bit of wine! We introduced her to Trivia Night. We drove to Florence to the cemetery so Aunt E could leave flowers. I wasn't sure how it would go, but Aunt E did very well. Sunday was the Family Breakfast with my brothers, sister and all of our children and grandchildren (those that could make it). Two months ago my oldest son, Josh, coordinated a monthly family breakfast - the only excuses to not being there are if you live too far away and/or you had to work. This family time is a promise to each of us to carry on and stick together without our folks. We were honored that Aunt E was able to be there with us.

There were many moments throughout those 5 days with Aunt E that I saw reflections of my Mother..it was heart-warming and sad at the same time. It was difficult for her to see us too - we look like our Mother. We are a reminder to her that Mother is gone and we remind her of that awful day in December. Her visit helped to ensure us that we are not alone. I told her that we've been floating - not tethered to our extended family...just 'here'. She helped us to see that we have her & our uncle...we also have our Dad's brother too, to keep us grounded and connected to 'family'.

We are orphans now...that's such a strange but true word.

But we are now coming into our new family.

September Morning...

68 years ago today my Mother was born in Samson, Alabama...the 5th of 12 children. Today is her Birthday! I don't know whether to say it "is" her birthday or "it would be" her birthday. . She has been gone now for 8 months. The grief of her death still lingers just below the surface. I always feel it there...waiting to erupt over some small memory. It surfaced last night and is hovering over my heart, paralyzing me is tears and longing for her. I just know that I miss her so much and I want her back

This picture was taken 5 days before she died. She was laughing...she ALWAYS laughed...at everything. She loved anything sparkling, shiny and gaudy! And butterflies. Red was her favorite color.

She loved me.

I am sad today..my heart feels like it is weighed down by the heaviness of grief.

I just want her back!