The long days of Summer are slowly fading away. Summer hadn't even begun when my husband and I stood together that chilly April morning..sharing a last hug..kiss... I Love You. Here is it moving into Fall - 156 days from then.
Summer did not bring typical backyard cookouts, thrown-together parties, beach trips, motorcycle rides, lazy Sunday mornings, or numerous trips to Lowes. I didn't stand at the kitchen window and watch my husband mow the grass to work on a project in the garage. There were not any grilled steaks and wine on the deck. As a matter of fact, I didn't start the grill one time. Gone were the rainy Summer days that consisted of rented movies and BLTs. There were no inpromptu trips to anywhere just because. I didn't celebrate the Holidays, Birthdays, Anniversary.
As Summer shakes of the last of its allure, the scent of Autumn/Fall tells me that 5 months have passed. I feel like I've aged so much in those months. Football season reminds me that the leaves will start to turn soon...lending way for Fall and the occasional cold of Alabama. I think it's more from having to do this while grieivng my parents, that I feel so deeply changed, so profoundly void of anything.
September's end will bring the Unit Family Day. I will be among my husband's unit Command and fellow Soldiers and their families...missing my husband. October brings Halloween.. November will bring the dreariness of Fall when the leaves fall and the days are grey. Thanksgiving. How do I do that without him (and without my parents)? I don't want to, but I know that I will.
There are days that I just can't find the energy to live again and I wonder when that will change. I want desperately to go back to who I was before death, before deployment, before the lonliness. I want to be quick to smile and laugh again. I want to look forward to every day and anything.
Love, Peace & Hot Cocoa on a Chilly Night!
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