If he had to choose....

Day 13.

My husband loves me endlessly - ten thousand times. I have no doubt whatsoever about that!! BUT...I think if he had to choose between me and Jake or me and his motorcycle... he'd no doubt would miss me terribly!

I relayed the ladder incident {see yesterday's post to keep up} to him a few minutes ago in our daily morning phone call. I no sooner got the words out of my mouth "I had a little freezer problem last night", really? what happened? well, you blocked in the ladder, between the freezer and your motorcycle and...(cut-off), did you scratch my bike? Noooo, I didn't touch your bike. But anyway, I got the ladder out (cut off), you jacked up my bike, didn't you? Nooo, I didn't jack up your bike. you sure?  Positive. So anyway (back to me), I got it out and put it back just where you had it. Did it touch my bike? Are you sure you didn't jack it up? {FOCUS, POOK} So, what I was saying....(blah, blah)...unplugged...defrosted...the whole sordid story. I'm going to do a thorough inspection of my bike when I get home (Saturday). I'm going to blog about your reaction, you know that? What blog?

Don't get me started on the dog!

I love him endlessly - ten thousand times!

It must be in the water....

Day 14. (Damn)

Note to self: The next time you put the step ladder back exactly where Pook put it (he would be so proud), tucked neatly behind his ultra bad-ass motorcycle in the garage, make sure that you don't accidentally unplug the deep freezer!

 In my defense, the step ladder was stored ever so nicely in the garage, blocked in by the deep freezer and the motorcycle. The ONLY way to get it out of its 'place' was to gently lift it over the back of the bike - making sure to NOT touch it. Now, you should know that TYPICALLY I would've just stuck it anywhere in the garage until my husband put it back where he wants it. But, he spent an entire 2 days organizing the the garage so I will be able to find whatever I wanted and needed without a panic attack while he's deployed. He even made me a tool box! I'm sure if I looked hard enough I will see a spreadsheet that will direct me to whatever I may need down there. So, the least I could do was make sure that I put the ladder back where he put it (because he had to have put lots of thought in where it needed to be store). I have no problem with that! BUT it was in a bad place! (Sorry Pook) I'm vertically challenged, I'm just grateful I didn't touch the chrome! Anywhoo-whoo....I put the ladder back, but I "guess" I put it down on the freezer cord, which inadvertently unplugged it a bit (kind of like being a little bit pregnant). That was two days ago. Fortunately, the freezer only housed frozen veggies that probably haven't seen their expiration date in years and other things (non-meat); except for on pack of chicken. It hadn't started to really smell yet. :o) I got the food thrown away, the freezer cleaned out and we are back in business. No harm done, only to my pride!

I guess you never know what won't work, until you try it on for size.

So what's in the water?? Well, I've read several blogs today that I follow, and I see common theme among us today. We are all a bit blah. Maybe it's deployment (before, during, after), maybe it's work, kids, school, or relationships, maybe it's just because it's Tuesday. There's hope... Wednesday's comin'!

Peace, Love & a big glass of Merlot!

Moody Monday...

Day 15.

It's been a weird sort of Monday; as if there's any other kind. I'm not a fan of them but I do try my best to make Monday as fun and tolerable as possible. Today was definitely the exception to my rule.

Note to Self: Don't back into the garage any more! You've done that twice in 2 days and each time you've driven off with the damn door as wide open as the Mi-ssi-ssi-humpback, humpback-i! Each time having to turn around mid-stream to go back and "check" to see IF you closed it - only to be assured of your lapse in sanity!


I had dinner with my wonderful daughter, Roo, tonight. We try and get together every other Monday between her classes. She's a talented poet (23 yrs old) in the making....you should read some of her stuff: http://kelleyrd.wordpress.com/

Roo is pretty powerful in her words..each coming from a place in her heart and life that just needed to find a release. I am so proud of her creativity and her bravery!


I talked to Pook (Rich's other name) tonight. Only 4 more days of Pre-D and then he will be HOME. Even though it will be for a short time, it'll be what my heart and soul desires most in the world right now!

There's no rhyme or reason for tonight's post, other than to know I'm still counting. Happy Monday night to you all!

Peace, Love & Jelly Beans!

Did she know?

Today my (twin) sister and I drove the all too familiar 1 hour and ten minutes to our old hometown. We unloaded baby loot at my nieces house, took her to lunch (wonderful food), and went by "The House". It sits quietly on it's little hill on a busy road. The neighborhood has changed significantly over the years as families passed away or moved on. Now the surrounding homes are filled with renters, with not much pride in their living space. So "the house", as we've always called it,sits in probate-hell and is empty but for a few furniture pieces that my brother will get. Twin2 and I sack up some things for trash collection; she breaks the silence by pointing out that she's angry - me too - but who should we be angry with? I don't know. The whole thing just seems unfair, but in our hearts we know that it was the only way it could be.

"Do you think she knew"? Twin2 asked. I was looking at pictures taken Christmas Eve, the other day; there is a beautiful picture of Mom and Dad. I've looked at her eyes a thousand times it seems, looking for any sign that 'she knew' - I couldn't read anything other than her true love and happiness just to be in that one moment with my Dad. He'd made it to celebrate Christmas, (we'd all made it), their favorite time of year. Did she know that 5 days later she would die? Did she know that Dad would fade as soon as he knew and follow her in death 2 days later? We will never have those answers in this life - but the questions still linger.
Twin2 and I went to the cemetery to leave flowers for Easter. YES, we took a step ladder this time. (For those of you who may not know the significance of that, you'll need to pop down a few posts and read the "30 days... the countdown begins"). So Twin2 gets on the ladder to reach the flower vase and pulls it out of the holder. Unknowingly, it is full of rain water and she dumps it all over her head!!  I laughed so hard I thought I'd pee my pants! There she is, soaking wet and the solemn moment is broken. After we get in the car she said to me... I guess that's their way of telling me to lighten up! I think it was a message for both of us.

It's Day 16. Rich will be home next weekend for a little more than a week before MOB. Sometimes I wonder why I count that down... I'll only start counting again. Should I could the days of deployment in chronological order or reverse?

 I'm not sad but I sure wish Krispy Kreme delivered!  :o)

Nothin' like a shower!

Day 17.

Showers are WONDERFUL! The water kind and the kind that celebrate the start of a new life entering this World. Today my sister and I hosted a co-ed Baby Shower for my beautiful niece and her handsome guy as we all celebrate the upcoming birth of baby Charlotte! Now, anyone that knows me can attest that I am a worrier and figgiter (I KNOW it's not a word, but neither is TUMP, and I use that a lot!)... stay with me here....I panic over the details, the food, the presentation, the party environment.. making sure that everything flows, looks great, and is (most importantly) comfortable! By 10:00am this morning I was having chest pains (the shower started at noon at my house). I turned to my R.N. sister and said.. my chest doesn't feel good. I'm having severe chest pains..they come and go and hurt - A LOT. She rolled her eyes and told me I was fine, stop stressing and I was just feeling anxiety pains. Half a happy-pill and a hot shower later, my chest pains ceased and the party was in full swing by 12:05pm. The spread ... casual cookout-style) was awesome (not your typical church-lady group baby shower food), the games weren't lame, the house looked great, and my niece and her guy got great baby things!  Yeah!!

Oh, word to the wise - I did a cute little arrangement on a tiered dish of cotton candy! Looked wonderful for about 30 minutes. Then the sugar started 'melting' and it lost it's allure.  Still cute as a colored blob, though!

Missing my Soldier! He would've loved this day! Pook, if you're reading this, your gift brought lots of ooohhhs and ahhhhs.  See you in 1 week!!

Happy Saturday night!

Note To Self....

Day 18.

Note to Self: The next time you show up for lunch with a friend you haven't seen in over a year... please make sure you've brought your wallet!

(Oh, no you didn't?!?!)

I did!!  I had taken out my wallet at work to get a stamp ...laid it on my desk instead of putting it back in my purse. Lunch time rolls around, I arrive at Nukes for lunch... hug, hug...you look great... so do you...{reach in my purse for my wallet} Oh hell - it's laying every so peacefully on my desk!!! Uh... friend... can we run back to my office and let me grab my wallet?! My friend bought our lunch (Nukes makes THE BEST Pesto Chicken sandwich) and we went on to shove a year's worth of life in 45 minutes! With 2009 being an absolute blurr for me there was a great deal to chat about. The next lunch is on me.      :o)

Oh, speaking of stamps.... I was online on the US Postal Service website today. Boring, huh? But anywoo... DID YOU KNOW that you can buy customized stamps? Yep - just upload a picture and they will slap it on a stamp! Pricey ~ about double to cost ($18'ish for a sheet of 20) ~ but will sooo be worth it when I write to Rich when he is on his all expense-paid trip to the sandbox! Shhh... don't tell Rich - I want him to be surprised when his first mail call comes!

Happy Friday!!

"I hear the train a comin', its rolling round the bend...."

Day 20.

There's a train-wreck coming and I can only watch the collision happen. Powerlessly... helplessly.

Someone I love is on a path of self-destruction. The lines between right & wrong, good & bad, life & death have blurred and all reason is gone. This person has been saddled with a crap-load of responsibility that no one their age should have right now; and that the only way to make sense of it all is to make choices that make no sense at all. Rich and I have been on this track before, similar train, same conductor ~ the rail changed before impact. This time... the train is moving faster and on extreme terrain.

Rich is not home right now - focusing on pre-D training - but we had to talk about it. I hated to bring it up at 1:30am this morning when we Skyped. (I couldn't sleep and he had just finished for the day) - but it had to be discussed. Fortunately (or unfortunately), what I didn't know is that Rich already knew about the situation and had a couple of days on me to begin processing the information. In a few weeks Rich will be gone and I know that at some point the train will jump the track.. derail...this train ride is bigger than me - it's bigger that us. It's a heavy load for Rich to take with him down range ~ it's a heavy load to carry here at home without him.  Then again, if he was here, all we could do is watch from the platform together.

RIP Mr. W...

Day 22.

A friend of mine lost his father a couple of days ago - heart disease-related. I didn't know until I got home from work and looked through yesterday's newspaper. There it was - the obit for Mr. W.; visitation tonight. The interesting thing upon seeing the print is that I always come home from work and change clothes to something more slouchy and comfortable. Tonight I came in, ate a bowl of cereal for dinner and watched the news - all still dressed in a dress and heels. I just felt that I needed to attend the visitation; I know what my dear friend and his family are feeling. I worked with my friend (WW) for 6 years - we started at my former company 1 week apart.

Wondering if I was up for the task, I drove to the church. Entering the church I found other former co-workers and friends! It was like 'home' being around these wonderful friends! I miss them so much! We have a bond that I haven't felt with co-workers in my 'new' job of 2 years. After sharing my sympathy to WW, I began to feel the rush of grief building in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't move forward in the receiving line to WW's mother and other family members; or to Mr. W's casket-side. I stepped out of the line and respectfully made my way out of the church auditorium before I broke into tears. Despite the tears that followed I am glad that I went to.

Rich and I have a date tonight - 10:00pm my time. Skype!

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

Day 25 continued, Day 24, Day 23.

Day 25: I've realized (the hard way, obviously) that I am not emotionally strong enough yet to tackle a whole elephant; I must eat it in small bites! Friday at noon I set off on a road trip. Just me and my boys (The Eagles) and we flew down the fast lane to South Alabama. Our destination... Geneva & Dothan and family. Geneva - the place where my parents met, fell in love, married and began their life. I was born there and have such wonderful memories of visits to family throughout my childhood. As I rolled into town about 5:00pm, I stopped at Price's Diner to brush my hair and throw in a few eye drops... and to run through my agenda - hoping I could work in a trip to the Oyster Bar downtown sometime over the weekend. YUM!!! I took a right, drove past where the Dixie Dandy used to be, drove past the hospital were I was born...took a turn where an old building once stood (that's my marker that reminds me where to turn) and headed out an old dirt road that ends at my Aunt L's house. As Aunt L (Mom's sister), met me in the yard and wrapped her arms around me I broke into a million pieces. The rush of missing Mama was just too much to bear. We cried and held on for a while - not near long enough; but enough to give me comfort. We "visited" a while then met Aunt M and my cousin's for dinner at the Chinese restaurant. With a satisfied belly I hugged them goodbye to head East to stay the night with Aunt J (Dad's sister). I told Aunt L that I would come back the next night (Sat) and stay with her. Here I go, more country backroads...my boys singing to me all along the way as I cried for my parents. Aunt J was just as excited to see me and held me while I cried more.

Day 24: Saturday morning I drove (cried) to visit Granny (nursing home); we cried together for a few minutes; then she went off on her usual tangents about Papa (wonderful man), who she didn't like and made miserable until his last breath. Then the subject changed to her horrible mother and sisters... it's always the same. After about 1-1/2 hours I was ready to get the hell out of there! Back to Aunt J's where she made a huge lunch full of Home! With another full tummy and more tears, I kissed her goodbye and headed back to Geneva to Aunt L's. Up the road a piece (smile) I came to a crossroad - I could keep going straight and head to Geneva or a right to Home. Through utter grief and tears I took the right. I just couldn't go back to Geneva... I was drained, my chest was full of grief and remembrance and longing, I was lost - so lost that the only place I wanted to go, knew to go, was home. Through my tears I called Aunt L to tell her I was going home; I just couldn't go back again on this trip. I needed to take small steps and I was not strong enough to stay. I cried and drove for 6 hours home. My boys comforted me as the sang to me about Hotel California and Wasted Time.

Day 23: I woke to the sound of the ceiling fan and Jake sighing out of depression. He jumped on the bed, laid his head on Rich's pillow and stared at me. "What do we do now"? he asked. "I don't know, Jake...I don't know. We just have to take small bites".

Sealed With a Kiss...

Day 25.

There were no dreams or nightmares last night. In fact, I don't believe I slept more than 10 minutes at a time throughout the night. I'm just about positive that there will be many sleepless nights to come. Rich and I went about our routine this morning in silence, both lost in the schedules for the day and the 2 week separation that proceeds the deployment. We know what the other is feeling - there wasn't a need for words. At the airport we held on and we kissed. A REAL kiss!! Not a 'have to' kiss, chicken-peck kiss ~ it was a wonderful exchange of breath and life-Kiss! The type of Kiss that replaces words ~ it speaks straight to the soul! The kind of Kiss where you breathe in each other, love each other and burn into the heart the memory of the moment. I'll think about that Kiss all day and hold it in my heart for the next 2 weeks!

I love him endlessly!

I Had a Dream..

Day 26.

I had a dream last night... it was a nightmare, really. Dreams are made off random, sometimes pleasant emotions. Nightmare bring fear, sadness and a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. That's the one I had in the wee hours of the morning. In my nightmare I got "The Call" that my husband had been injured. He was setting up his bunk area and stepped on a hidden land mine. For some reason, it was his stomach that was injured - weird, I know. I rushed to ECM Hospital (even wierder) where he was being cared for. Standing by his bedside I cried heavily because I couldn't call my parents to tell them, to get their comfort, to feel their arms around me. I FELT the sadness and loneliness and the fear. Damn it - it was SO REAL. There was a part of the dream where his Brigade and Unit Command and team came to his room. I was sitting outside the door watching as they all talked and something was going on. After they left I went to the my husband.. he was holding his new rank; he had been promoted. The whole dream/nightmare lasted just a few moments, didn't make much sense, and had very few details - I woke up and scooted up behind Rich; holding on for dear life while my heart begged him to please don't go ~ begged him to please come back to me.

You Look Tired Today...

Another relatively sleepless night. I think I more or less cat-napped my way to the morning alarm today. I got ready for work - wearing green for the day, not a bad hair day, and make-up looking pretty good; in spite of fatigue. I think I actually did pretty well on the dark circles under my eyes. So... I get to work and my co-worker stops in my office to say good morning - he said "You look tired today". Well, I havent slept well lately... "how come you're not sleeping"...just too much going on. "Okay...hope eveything's okay, you should get more rest".WTF? I actually felt good today up until 8:15am - tired, yes - but really good.

So then I had to question myself! Was co-worker REALLY saying...'you look like hell today' or was he saying 'you look like you have a lot going on'? Did I wear the wrong color? Maybe I should've worn my hair up. Are my eyebrows even? Wrong shade of lipstick? For someone to notice that I look like shit, I must REALLY look like it! Right?! And then to ask why I'm not sleeping...I've ONLY worked here for 2 years and EVERYONE knows what the past year had held for me AND that it's getting ready to get more complicated. Why would anyone in my department NOT know that I have a great deal to deal with that prevents me from being chipper 24/7?!?

Which leads me to another thing... I recently had someone tell me that I "just didn't seem like myself". Seriously? They must've meant the old me.. the person I was when I had two parents and my husband wasn't deploying to some fucking warzone? The one that laughed and felt care-free and social. Or the person that was excited about my life and the days/nights, had dreams of "one day", I loved my job...couldn't wait to get there and 'help' someone; be useful, and the person that spoke to my parents everyday...just because. The one that didn't carry around a mega-ton weight on my chest every second that sat atop a broken and scared heart. You mean the person that prayed daily and put my trust in God. Oh, that ME? Nope - I'm not that person anymore. She's gone; been replaced by someone that even I don't recognize. I question my faith. There are many days that I don't want to go to work or be around other people. I don't want to talk to anyone - there's nothing to say. There are no more dreams ~ they've been replaced by visions of sadness and fear of 'what could happen'. There are days that I feel sad, lonely and nothing at all.

I see the days tick closer to D-day... I know I'll wake up on April 13th with my husband one last time. I know he'll go and serve and return to me. But not the same as the day he left.  He leaves in 2 days for 2 weeks of training, then home for a week, then gone. So when I say 27 days..we only have 8.

I'm not thinking that I'm depressed - just "not me". The thing is - the days are every day ~ the difference is how I deal with the emotions from one to the next.

27 days.

Maybe co-worker should've said - "Hey, that's a nice shade of green".

We Rocked!!

Nashville, TN...... Opryland Hotel..... Jack Daniels Saloon.....Jamie Groom and the Catfish Johnston Band.....The Fuse......too much fun!

Like most everything we do on the fly, Rich and I drove to Nashville on a wing and a prayer that we could get a room at the Opryland Hotel! After standing in an enormous line at the registration area, one military discount later - we were standing on the balcony of our room overlooking the Garden Conservatory! Beautiful!! I love that hotel!! We walked around for a while taking pictures and plotting our night. Just across the way was the Jack Daniels Saloon.... we are there! Now, Rich and I are bar-folks; meaning we typically sit at the bar and have our dinner and drinks because it's usually the best seat in the house! Our bartender was wonderful and loads of fun. We met & partied with many equally awesome people and had a few Flat Tires! The band was rocking and we were dancing! Our bartender told the band that Rich was heading to the Sandbox; they played a song just for us and so many people came up and thanked Rich for his service. Our dinner and drinks were even paid for by other patrons. Not what we had anticipated but we were so touched! Somewhere between 2:30-3:30am we made it back to our room and sleep! We woke up feeling like we had been smoking and screaming all night - our throats were raw! Since we don't smoke we can't say we didn't scream in song and fun at some point! We woke up and headed home to rest up! Rich drank a couple of Bloody Mary's to 'right' himself and I laid on the couch out of sheer exhaustion!

It was THE BEST time! We will always remember the feeling of complete abandon and freedom that we felt dancing around, singing along and meeting new people and celebrating US! All we could say coming home yesterday was "Wow", just that!

Wow!

30 days....the countdown begins

Rich leaves in 30 days! He just got his 'official' orders telling us that his leave date has been pulled up almost a week!! My brain screams "No! No!" This is REALLY happening and I'm not ready! For some reason, to see it in actual writing makes the whole thing suck more! I'm afraid that the war will change him - that he'll come back different; not Rich anymore. I love the man he is ~ I want him to come back the same man he is now; I know that the reality is that he will be different in some way. I hate this war!

Yesterday we spent the half of our day on base taking care of stuff in preparation. We went to get me ID card updated and to get "B-20" (our youngest son - he's 20) an ID card. Well... we can't do that until 14 days out from deployment. We then went to Tri-Care and took care of enrollment paperwork, took care of medical records registration at the base clinic, got Brandon a base decal for his truck and a passport, applied for my gun permit. All before noon!!

Then Rich &I drove an hour away to my hometown put flowers out at the cemetery. Mom & Dad got 6 beautiful roses (artificial ~ one each for Mom Dad and one for each of us kids) and my son "JNH" got a beautiful arrangement of daisies with a mixture of tiny blue flowers. Mom & Dad's 'home' is now on the 4th floor (mosoleum - level 4). There is not a ladder there - hmmmmm, how to put flowers in the vase?

Picture this - I am putting my 150'ish pounds on Rich's shoulders (he's about 185). I swear I could feel his legs shaking in strain as he is trying to walk his body up the wall to a standing postion. Poor guy! I think he blacked-out for a brief moment as his blood vessels in his brain popped from the pressure! It was quite hysterical really! We laughed so hard at the sight of us working as a team in this comical way. Once he was able to put me down he told me I had 400 days to lose the extra weight! He's so awesomely honest! Anyway, we have laughed alot over that moment!

I REALLY want to go into details about all of yesterday's events but Rich is waiting for me. We are heading to Nashville for the night. Just the two of us!! Call ONLY is someone is bleeding and the ambulance is on the way!!

Love, peace and a great big HUG!

There's No Place Like Home!

Whew!!! The trip to Cali is over and we are settled back into 'normal' life for a while. You only have to be gone a few days to appreciate just what you have at Home! I appreciate the light flow - if any - traffic. I appreciate colors, trees, non-stucko houses. I appreciate the laid-back feel of my life and not feeling rushed about. Did I enjoy the trip?! not really - if I'm being honest... and this is my blog so I can say whatever I want. There was not much to enjoy... although it was nice to spend a few brief moments with a couple of my favorite people.

We spent most all of our 2 days driving than we did with anyone. Friday was fly-in and an overnight visit with family. Then rush...rush to see my cousin on the way to stay with more family. Now - my time with my cousin  was hands down the best hour and a half of my trip. It was quite, relaxing and she was so much fun to talk with. There wasn't an urgency to go and do anything. So, then we were back on the road to rushing...to our son's ("N-25") house...put down bags and then drive to dinner...then short visit before heading off to bed. Sunday was get ready, go to church for the baby dedication, then stand around for an hour waiting for their family to figure out what we were all doing. Then drive and hour again 'down the hill' to stand around for an hour and half to wait to eat. The lunch (by this time it's after 3:30pm), then to the mall (which was completely against anything Rich and I wanted to do). Then back to the house to visit for a short time because now it's time for bed. Up early on Monday to drive to the airport - taking us 3 hrs and 45 min. to drive 75 miles....2 hours through security to our gate. Home finally at 11:30pm! Whew is right!

So, did I enjoy the trip - NO! What was there to enjoy? My daughter-in-law told me on the phone that they felt like we didn't get a chance to hang out... no shit! To us, Sunday was the ONLY day we had but it was consumed with all of the wasted going. No only did we have to burn up our time driving, but have lunch with her family - who sat at a different table, but continually waved and drew our grandson's attention from us ~  Rich & I were so uncomfortable. Then we burned up 2 flipping hours at the damn mall after we even said we didn't want to go. Oh, don't forget the hour back 'up the hill'. Yes, we have a grandson that doesn't know us from Adam. We saw him last when he was 6-month old. He was scared of us, like I said..we are just strangers to him. Had we not done all of the damn running around on Sunday, we may have actually been able to start some 'connection' there. I wish we could've just stopped the whole choatic trip and frozen time! To just have been selfish and said 'No' along the way - that we didn't want to share OUR brief time with anyone else - that we wanted to be able to sit and get to know our grandson and his parents!

We all knew going into this trip that we only had a brief time - it was for Rich to see his very small family before deployment and that we had to maximize the time we had. Didn't happen. But, the trip is over and we are back to our lives.

Coming up... Rich & I are off to Nashville this weekend for a "just us" getaway!

Leavin... on a jet plane...

Well, it's actually Delta flight something or another! Rich and I are getting the hell out of Dodge for a few days! In about 5 hours we will board a plane bound for LAX to spend a few days (only 2 1/2) with family in Cali. Trying to get in a quick trip before D-day in April. Wouldn't ya know it - it'll be almost 70 degrees and sunny here at home base and 50-60'sh and rainy in California!I hope it's not an indicator as to how the trip will be!!

BUT - Rich and I will make the best out of being away from home and normal life for those few days! Next weekend we will spend in Nashville... just us... in a Hotel.... THAT'S my kind of vacation!

Happy Trails!

The Understanding of One

I have come to understand that there are just some things I have to handle alone.