The "moment" came washing through me like a tidal wave yesterday. Completely consuming me, my night, my day, my evening. I woke up in tears and closed my eyes to sleep last night in the same stream of tears. I felt so totally "alone". Friends and family are around..keeping me company or sending messages ~ I appreciate you all so much. I wish I could explain how it feels to be "Me" so that no one will think that it is 'Them'.How do I explain the deep loneliness that follows me in my heart every day and every night? I miss having my husband with me to share the life we've built together. I miss going to bed with him at night, I miss waking up with him each morning, I miss the touch of his hand on the back of my neck, I miss his voice, I miss his laugh, I miss his kiss. I miss the way he tries to wink, I miss hearing the garage door open and know that he's home, I miss the feeling of his hand in mine when I walk, I miss watching TV with him, I miss seeing him washing his bike, I miss his smile and laughter as Jake wallows over him.
I miss my Mom and Dad.
I go about every day being the strong one, the responsible one, the keeper of everything and everyone, the one that tries desperately to hold "it" together without my husband, so no one will look at me and worry that I'm not. I'm just one person and I'm doing the best that I can do; I can't do any more. I'm not depressed, I'm not upset, I'm not weak, I'm not having a breakdown. I don't need a hobby. I don't need to volunteer my time or a part-time job in order to 'stay busy' (I have a full-time job) to 'get my mind off things'. I don't focus on or think about 'deployment' every minute of every day ~ I live with the emptiness that it brings about. I'm tired. I don't sleep well some nights and not at all sometimes. I lay awake while moments, responsibilities, conversations, 'things I need to do, should do, don't want to do'... go through my head all fucking night long.
I worry about my husband. Is he safe? Has he slept? Has he taken time to eat? Does he still love me? When he doesn't talk on Skype - just sits there - am I wasting his time? Does he have better things, more useful things to do? Does he miss me? Does he really want to hear about the 'dirt/sand' project at home or that the dogs make me crazy sometimes? I look at the calendar every day and the days seem to just drag on; I tick off each one.
My job consumes my days - not because I'm busy..but because I am in a low-point. I feel "dumbed-down" by it, unmotivated, unchallenged, bored. It hits my self-esteem right below the belt to go to work and feel like my degrees and more than a decade of experience is worthless. No, I don't want to go back to school for my Masters!
I've been sick and not feeling well - I'm tired of pollen and coughing. I'm tired of feeling tired. Yes, I go to the gym 3 days a week ~ no, I don't want to go every day.
There are times that nothing is wrong ~ I'm just quiet. I don't know what to say most times. I start to open my mouth but words don't come. Or I say something and it suddenly feels trivial; who wants to hear about mundane things? I'm tired of eating cereal for dinner. I can't find the motivation to cook. I miss my husband cooking dinner. I miss how we worked together in the kitchen, floating around each other to pull off a great meal.
No, I don't need you to move out. Yes, the dogs make me crazy from time to time; but they also make me smile just watching them play in the back yard. Don't NOT call me because you think I have enough going on and you don't want to bother me. Don't NOT ask me to meet you for dinner or drinks when you ask yourself, "I wonder what Renee's doing". Yes, I'm stressed sometimes and there's nothing you can do to prevent it from happening. I feel "alone" every single day and you can't heal that for me ~ it just is. I don't 'need' anything. I just want my fucking life back and I'm trying to put the pieces back together as quickly as I can! It's okay that I feel down some times and I want you to understand that. I will have 'moments' that last minutes, hours, days...but they will pass. You are not in my way, you don't bother me, you're not causing me stress. Please don't make it about you, because it's not. I can't be top of the world happy and spunky 24/7 - every one is entitled to a down-day; I'm not any different. Please understand that I'm still grieving (for Rich and for Mom & Dad). I cry for my husband, for my parents, for me, for you, for no reason at all. My tears flow without notice, without shame ~ it's really okay. Each one that falls means that I'm one tear closer to healing.
Love, Peace & This Too Shall Pass!
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