Sometimes You Just Have to Shake Your Head...

I SWEAR!!!

When there is a tornado, severe weather, accident of any kind where there are witnesses, or even a criminal report...you can bet that a news reporter is going to be there to get the scoop! And no doubt, if you live in the South..that reporter will search out and find the most stereotypical Southern, multi-bred, white/dark trailer trash, uneducated, redneck or ghetto, group or individual who "saw it happen like this....".  It seems like the South cannot catch a break into the world of culture and respectability! Whether it's a candidate for Governor who states " In Alabama we talk American. If you're going to live here..learn it" or the  big-fat white guy wearing a filthy wife-beater and suspenders who saw the "tornader"...or OMG..there is a commercial running in our area RIGHT NOW for Window World. The old guy actually repeats the word "winder" over and over again. He can say Window World without any problem whatsoever..but then he follows it up by saying "Window World winders"! Makes me cringe every morning when I see that commercial on television while getting ready for work. Surley to goodness, advertising agencies, news reporters and politicians can look around and find people with common sense, decency and teeth to represent!

This video has hit Facebook and You Tube with such fury that it is spreading across American like a virus. While I'm sorry for the incident that has caused this huge video-craze.....I just have to shake my head in disbelief! Good Lord!

Love, Peace & a Shake of the Head over stupid shit!

ADDITIONAL NOTE: I have had some question about if this news clip was REAL! I assure you that it is. I watched in utter horror and disbelief this morning as our local news covered the story. This event occurred downtown. You can find it on www.waff.com.

Gettin' Back On The Horse That Threw Me...

157 days ago I took a trip (How do you Eat an Elephant) back to visit Mom & Dad's families in South Alabama. It had been only a few less than 3 month since they passed away. I found out quickly that I wasn't ready to face the Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, my Granny..and the memories that lingered ever so strongly, in those little towns. The first attempt didn't go as well as I had planned. Emotionally spent after 18 hours, I went back home.

My parents' deaths have truly been the most devastating experience of my entire life and I grieve for them every day. Unless you have personally felt the loss of one or both of your parents, you can't imagine and understand the depths of that loss. It's hard to imagine that you are no ones daughter anymore or how it feels to be orphaned. After 44 years, there's no "Home" to go back to anymore..It's been almost 7 months..no, I'm not over it. I will never be over it.

I talked to my 89 year old Granny the other day; she's getting weaker by the passing days. Once Mom and Dad died she seemed to have died right along with them and is just waiting for God to take her Home. Granny said to me, "I sure wish you could come see me".  My mouth opened and I said, "How about I do that this weekend. I'll come see you, okay"?  What?? I'm not ready to take that trip again!!!

Today I will get back in the 'saddle' and point my 'horse' towards South on I-65. As I drove to work this morning, thinking about my trip - I felt the taste of grief build in my chest... how can I go there alone again? A few hours later my daughter called to say she would go with me! (I think she's secretly going only for the boiled peanuts and little green peas).

Who knows if we will accomplish this trip in the way that we plan...but I hear that there is strength in numbers!

Love, Peace & a Full Life!

Smoking 100!

So we have just SMOKED the first 100 days of deployment! They are over...done..finished...gone up in flames...over. As someone who hasn't smoked in years..I can honestly say that the majority of those 100 days tasted bitter and burned my throat with grief, worry, emptiness, loneliness, anger, frustration and many tears!

(While some Soldiers and Spouses count from "boots on the ground"..I started the count from the first day of activation (according to orders)... which was 3 days before leaving home - weeks before my husband landed in the sand-box).

I look back over those 100 days and how I've marked each 25-day milestone. At day 25 I had a heart scan to check the health of my heart. (I come from a large family history of heart disease). One day 50 I treated myself to a manicure/pedicure, lunch and BINGO. Day 75 found me on business travel - where I ran into some dear friends and had dinner with my neighbors.

How did I mark the 100th day? I went to the spa for 80 minutes of a luxurious body polishing massage, along with a shampoo & blow dry!
(Quick/funny story...I get to the spa, checked in and was ushered into the "waiting area" where I was given a locker, a robe and slippers - after changing and a thought of "WTH am I doing??" I sat back in the waiting area for my technician (yeah, that's what they called her) to arrive. Soon Nina came for me and took me to where we would be for the next 80 minutes. On the table where two towels..one, she said, I would lay across 'the girls' and the other I would lay on (on my back) and fold up like a diaper. She left me alone to get ready..I stood looking at the table wondering, "am I supposed to get under the sheets or lay on top in my towels"? I finally figured the latter and began to get situated. As I lay there waiting for Nina to return I began to think about how ridiculous I'm sure I looked. The 'girls' were covered and doing good. Once upon a time I would've need a beach towel to cover them, but thanks to Dr. D. they were a normal size and the hand towel worked just fine. Now the "diaper" was a different story. I started to laugh at my image...I've got a big butt with hips to match and that hand towel sure wasn't covering much! I needed the Depends-size "diaper". I got tickled and started laughing..real belly laughing..at myself).

Through out my spa appointment I had 80 minutes to think and reflect back over the first 100 days of deployment. I recalled the heart-wrenching grief of the days before Rich left. How it felt to hold him that last night and listen to him breath while he slept. How I tried desperately to burn that sound into my memory and stamp the feel of the beat of his heart in my heart. I remember the silence as we drove to the armory, each lost in so much thought. I remember the cold air as we stood together, holding each other, sharing our last kiss. Hearing the deep cries of another MilSpouse with her Soldier, come from a short distance. I recalled how we parted, walking away from each other with the promise not to look back and then breaking down when I drove away. As I lay on that spa table I reflected over the long days and longer nights. How they all seemed to move in slow motion with auto-pilot fully engaged. Each day was like the one before. Waiting for a call, sitting vigil on the computer for an email a Skype call, a Facebook comment...anything. Oh, the sleepless night of waiting and watching. The tears going to work and coming home - in the middle were hours upon hours of fake smiles and fake chipperness. Then there were the feeling of despondency - they still exist - that plagued my weekends. The moments of deep, deep sadness and loneliness that would last for hours/days/weeks. The feelings of being overhwelmed by shouldering the responsibilities of home, vehicles, yardwork, bills, issues/problems, family. I thought about how I had been reduced to someone who found it difficult to smile, who walked in a silent fog through the day and how my nights I felt like a ghost walking the halls of happy memories - feeling like a visitor in this new life of deployment. Not fitting anywhere any more... being the 3rd or 5th wheel among friends - making them feel obligated to babysit and entertain me.

But somewhere in all of those days and emotions, the grass got cut, the garbage was taken out, the bills were paid, some dinners were cooked, events were celebrated, the Jake was fed/watered/loved, the house got cleaned, the laundry was done, the oil was changed in the cars, a huge planter on the back deck was taken apart, the horseshoe pits were dismantled, plants & flowers were planted, the leaking toilet was fixed, light bulbs and AC filters got replaced, the AC was fixed...life went on.

Even in my weakest moments I know that I am stronger than I was before the deployment. As the days tick by I have fewer tears, and a deeper love and ache for my husband. I have found true bonds with MilSpouses across the US and here at home. I have realized who my true personal friends are and who I can count on for support within my family.

As Nina sloughed off the top layer of dead skin cells, I imagined it as removing the remnants of the shell-of-a-person that the 100 days of deployment had caused me to become.... I don't want to be that person anymore. I felt a revival of my spirit - off with the old/on with the new. I released the sadness and tension of the last 100 days, along with the the toxins the massage released. I left the spa with a bounce in my step that I had not truly felt in 100 plus days.

Deployment is not for sissies! It's hard and it's lonely. It leaves a spouse feeling disconnected from the life they knew before..no matter how hard you try to get back to what familiar - you never seem to get there. Walking through a house full of memories is torture on the mind. It's emotionally exhausting to be strong and carry on...to smile and make sure everyone else is "okay". It can zap the heart's energy to go through birthdays, holidays, celebrations alone. There are days I just want to lay in bed, not see anyone, not talk to anyone...just be ~ then again there are days that I'm alone where my heart & mind begs for someone to think about me and call. No...it's not for sissies!

The next 100 days I plan to celebrate each day I have! Each day down will be a celebration of one day closer to being finished with deployment and back with my husband. I made a promise to myself, as I lay there is a towel and a diaper..as Nina applied  the finishing touch of soothing lotion to my freshly scrubbed skin...that I will spend the next 100 days bringing honor to the life my husband and I built together, instead of wallowing in the sadness of our separation. I will find ways to be engaged in my life and to laugh again. (I love you Pook)!

Love, Peace & Hooah!

"Good Thing"

I told my husband that I was busting him out in my Blog! Amid the War, deployment and all that jazz...I try to keep the love and romance flowing through cards, emails, private blog and facebook. 98% of the time I get back heart-warming, loving, romantic words that just make me bubble with comfort and Love, Love, Love. Then there are the few times that I get this:

Exhibit A: Private Blog:

Friday, July 2, 2010



Freakin' Loving YOU Friday!

Yep...I freaking love you! You know what that means, right?? It's Friday once again! Another week down and another week closer! In case you didn't know..... I freaking love the curve of your back. I love the way you look in your flannel shirt. I love the way you look out of your flannel shirt (wink..wink). I love that your side of the closet is meticulous! I love your nose...it's so cute! I love your how you blow dry your bike with the leaf blower! I love the way you rock your golf shoes! I love how you smile at me with your eyes! I love how you get exasperated at me because I walk so heavy across the floor (I really try to walk softer). I love that you LOVE chocolate! I love how it feels to love you! I love reaching out at night to find your skin...to touch my foot to your leg (I miss that). I love the way you walk - with purpose and honor. I love the way you pray and the Faith you have. I love that we fit together...like peanut butter & jelly, cake & ice cream and a frog and the lily pad!  I love being yours and you being mine!
I love you Soldier Boy!

P.S. One more thing.....I don't love the stinking internet you have over there!


Posted by Renee at 6:41 AM


1 comments:
Rich said... "hooyaa"

What the HELL is "Hooyaa". All I get was "Hooyaa"?!

Exhibit 2: Facebook

Renee Blocker Richardson:  I am in love with you!
View Feedback (5)

Rich Richardson: good thing!
Renee Blocker Richardson : You're supposed to say it back!
Susan Irons Crittenden: or at least say ditto...c'mon Rich! You're slippin'! haha!!
Edmon Devon Blocker: Don't make me come over there!
Renee Blocker Richardson: Really....like I'm some stranger...geeezh!


I admit, after I told him he was busted out on FB, during our few minutes of Skype while he getting ready to go to work..he did go out and update his status:

Rich Richardson:  ditto, i l u 2, i l u, i i i l l l u u u, :)
12 hours ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike

Renee Blocker Richardson That's more like it!! ;o) Endlessly, My Love!

He loves me! He's tries not to...but he can't help it!
Hooyaa!
:o)


 

Ugh...Fork It!

You know the feeling when you get when you finish up the laundry and there's a lone sock laying there in your laundry basket..no mate to be found ANY WHERE? Where do socks go? Do they just run off or is there some sock fairy 'out there' that has an obsession for single socks?

What about dishes? You know ..when you KNOW that you had a complete 8 piece set of dinner plates and one mysteriously comes up MIA. The lovely green Princess Goblet Glasses - there were a set of 6..why are there 4 left?

Cutlery! Forks, Spoons, Knives. What the hell happens to the cutlery?

About a month ago I reached in the 'silver ware' drawer for a spoon. None. (only the big-mouth ones - I like the small ones for eating cereal). A search in the dishwasher and bedroom/living rooms do little to uncover even one spoon that strayed. It's not like I'm living in a house with kids or teenagers to carelessly throw them away...there were 4 grown adults living there. So..I went to Walmart and spent $10 on 8 spoons. I figure with 4 of us in the house, at the time, we would be golden for a while. Spoon issue resolved.

Moving on.

Two weeks ago I went to the drawer again for a fork. No forks..only 2 were in the dish washer. W-T-F?! Where the HELL did the forks get off to? I was crazy over the disappearing forks! First Spoons and now Forks! And didn't I already replenish knives once about a year ago?! One day last week my sister was eating with a fork. She went to put it in the dishwasher and I had to ask her to wash the fork and put it back in the drawer because I hadn't eaten yet. Seriously - I'm not lying...ask her yourself!

Soooo...Saturday I made the trip (drive time about 30 minutes from the house) to Old Time Pottery to buy forks...they are cheap and you can buy them individually for about 1/2 the price of Walmart. After all, I only needed F-O-R-K-S! Rhonda and I go up and down the isle until we come to the cutlery section ~ it's filled with individual S-P-O-O-N-S and K-N-I-V-E-S ~ not one damn fork! Not! One! Fork! Who the hell would've thought there was a run on forks. It's like the cutlery Apocalypse came and all of the forks were taken! Seriously..there was a lady in the section looking for...you guessed it - FORKS! Her forks had disappeared too!

So, I huff and puff, then I resolve to buy, not one...but two 4-piece settings of forks, knives, and spoons ~ each set cost $10. I could deal with having 8 more spoons and knives than I didn't need...I'd have forks! I take my consolation prize home..the cutlery in the display window just shining brand new. This won't be bad; they are pretty!

I get home eager to unwrap my pretty new cutlery...open the box....

NO FORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Seriously?

Sunday Morning & Missing You!

From our Private Blog today:

Title: Sunday Morning & Missing You

 

"My Love,

As I sit here at the kitchen table looking out over the backyard...I wish a million wishes that you were here sitting across the table with me. We'd have our coffee in hand...maybe finishing off an amazing breakfast that you've made...and have the newspaper spread out from end to end. We would be talking about what our plans would be - we'd always say we'll wing-it...but you know we would get up, get dressed and just start driving to town (where we would stay most of the day). Or you would go down and wash & blow dry the bike while I rush around getting ready for a ride. Whatever we did...Sunday was OUR day to do it! Instead I have eaten a meager breakfast, coffee in hand and am sitting here wondering what I will do. The house is quiet except for Jake's crying - I've noticed that about him the past 2 days.

I'm missing you terribly, but I am okay today. No depression or sadness.

I Love You, Soldier Boy!

P.S. One more thing...We are almost at 100 days!"

 I've said it many times..Sunday is the loneliest day of my week. Although it signifies a new week approaching and the end of  another - it still smacks of reality that Rich isn't here and I'm alone.



When I wake up on Sunday my husband has usually pulled about 10 hours and leaves work early to do laundry (usually takes 2-3- hours). I never know when to 'expect' him to pop up online - if at all. I spend my morning sitting vigil watching and waiting... taking the laptop from room to room (to shower, to pee, to do laundry, to get the newspaper from the street..) never wanting to miss the precious few minutes we may get to spend together. Sometimes we make the connection (depending on the crappy bandwidth there), and sometimes we don't get the chance. 

Today we Skyped (after a couple of failed attempts and dropped calls) for a few minutes as he got settled in to sleep.The M&Ms are his weakness! Pvt. Joey's standing watch!

Love, Peace & Happy Sunday!

Flashback Friday!

These were taken in 2008 - Thunder Beach Bike Rally in Panama City Beach. We rode our motorcycle all the way down from Huntsville and spent 3 wonderful days!

He is so handsome!

Here we are waiting for the sun to rise! The lights behind us look like Fire - pretty cool!

I cannot wait until we can get back on the bike and take long trips to anywhere!

It's Raining!!

The rain is falling in sheets outside right this minute! (Ok..not in this picture BUT it really is raining). I am soooo glad! The heat and the dry Alabama red dirt was playing hell on my plants. They should be good for a few days after this soaking.

I love the rain! I love to smell the rain coming!

This is my son, Josh....running to the front porch (like he will melt...haha).

I wish Rich was here to listen to the rain with me...

If You Really Want to Know....

I knew going to work today that the question of the day would be, "How was your weekend/4th of July?" . I pondered that question and how I would answer it on the 20 minute drive to work and the 30 minutes prior to everyone else arriving.

7:55am - Coworker #1: "Good Morning, did you have a good weekend?"
8:03am - Coworker #2: "How was your weekend?"
8:20am - Coworker #3: "Did you have a good 4th? What did you do"?
8:34am - Coworker #4: "How was your 4th?"

Thanks for asking! Well, I spent Friday night alone and had cereal for dinner. Saturday I got up and cleaned house. Did some cooking for a Family Cookout that was attended by my Sister, daughter, (both who live with me) my Niece and the Whittens. No other family members showed up. Sunday (July 4th) I cried ALL fucking day beginning at 4:30am - literally. The sadness and loneliness just paralyzed me! I cut the grass (crying), finished some cleaning and did laundry (crying). Ate peanut butter pretzels for breakfast and lunch. Helped Kelley & Beau get their camper packed and kissed them goodbye for their journey West (crying). I cried for my husband, I cried for my parents, I cried for my daughter leaving, I cried because I was sad, lonely, empty....I pulled myself out of the empty house for an hour to go next door for leftovers, only to retreat back in and spend the rest of the day and night alone and in tears. Yesterday I cleaned the down stairs (where Kelley & Beau stayed), went to Walmart and the car wash...broke a nail ~ it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch and bled (I can't get it fixed until it heals enough), and spent 75 % of the day alone  my weekend was fine.
How was yours?

I know I am in the minority here, but...I am so glad the long weekend is over!

We are 25.5% finished with this deployment!

My 4th...

I woke at 4:15am this morning ..reached out to find my husband, I was greeted by a cold, lonely and empty side of the bed. How many nights have I done that now...84? 85? His side is never uncovered - I don't sleep there, I don't migrate there. The emptiness of deployment washed over me in the wee hours of the morning - it drug me into the abyss of sadness. I reached for my cell phone and emailed my husband a message: "It's 4:25am. I miss snuggling up behind you. I love you". At 4:31am Rich wrote back: "I know my dear! I miss being there for the snuggle".

I wrestled with sleep for an hour before dozing for another hour. I finally got up and 'around' around 7:30am and set out to cut the grass. Already feeling the impact of my day without Rich, I burst into tears in my backyard when I couldn't get the riding mower to crank. I have no idea what I was doing wrong. So I push-mowed through the tears and cursing. More tears and profanity filled the quietness of the neighborhood when I couldn't crank the weed-eater. I soaked (and cried) my way through a bath. In deep sadness I felt anger rise within me. Angry that it was a another weekend alone, angry that Rich was gone, angry that there is such thing as war and deployment, angry that my parents died and left me knowing I would be alone, angry that I was crying...

I cleaned house and sat alone 85 percent of  my day - at my own choosing. My daughter and her husband set out on a month-long adventure out West this afternoon. I'd grown used to them living with me and of being strengthened by Kelley's strength - more tears, more sadness.

How much more lost can I handle? I'm not sure now.

Here it's 8:45pm and I'm in bed..typing..listening to backyard fireworks begin down the hill...I want to run down the hill and tell them to stop shooting fireworks...stop celebrating ..stop pretending you know what it took from Soldiers and Families for them to be free..what it still costs...stop...just stop.

Friday...Again

Isn't it funny how we go through the week...each day...wishing it was Friday. "Only 3 more days til Friday"..."tomorrow's Friday"..."then TGIF"! Friday means that another week is coming to a close and the weekend is here. Instead of planning a big weekend, heading to the beach, going camping somewhere, taking a motorcycle ride to anywhere, or hosting a big Richardson Cookout...I'm not doing any of those things. Deployment sure has a way of f'ing up the Summer and Long Weekends!

The Silver Lining of Friday is that one week down means one week closer to...R&R...to coming Home...to together again!

Peace, Love & Happy Friday!