A cloud of 'funk' has been following me around now for a while. A few days maybe...a week...a month...maybe longer. I realized today as I was driving home from work that the mood - the 'blankness' is loneliness. I go through each and every work day virtually invisible to those I work among. There's no one in my whole day that I talk to (other than the courtesy hello). I'm jealous of women who have girlfriends that get together, talk, share a laugh or two...I don't have that. As I'm crying in desperation I picked up my cell phone to reach out... to hear a voice, only to realize that there's not one friend on my cell phone that I would feel comfortable with just calling.. to chat, to vent, to cry with me when I want to cry. My friends and family have their own friends and families that take their time and attention. Again there's not a comfort feeling there that I could impose. I come home to emptiness every single day. The silence just crushes me when I drive into the garage. There are days that I just don't want to get out of the car. There's no one to ask how my day was, how I'm doing, or to just hug me. Gosh, I miss a real hug! Just a simple heartfelt, comforting hug. A "I'm so happy you're home and I've missed you" hug. I miss the feeling that I'm special, that I'm important to someone, that I'm...loved.
Let me clarify, lest someones feelings get hurt... I do have family living in the house with me but they are living their own separate lives. I also know they love me. This feeling inside of me goes so much deeper.
I've been hesitant to blog about how I'm feeling...I'm not looking for sympathy or an ego-boost. I'm not looking for others to join my pity-party. It's just how I'm feeling today. I needed to blog for me..because it's the only voice I hear most days.
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