"Go ahead, Jump. Jump!"

"Might as well jump. Jump!

Go ahead, jump.

Might as well jump. Jump!

Go ahead, jump. Jump!" ~ Van Halen

"So....I did some research on cardio exercises that are guaranteed to help me to shed the belly fat. Interval is the key to the lock, evidently. More Internet searches for great interval workouts took me to a site about the Jump Rope. I read it can actually burn up to 700 calories an hour with about 0.1 calories burned per jump.

Skipping Rope. Double Dutch. Criss Cross. Basic Jump.

Remember this little activity when you were a little girl? How for HOURS you and your friends would jump and jump...and jump. We didn't give a damn about exercising..it was just something fun and easy.

This morning at the gym I took my jump rope into a private room for WOMEN ONLY. I sure as hell wasn't going to jump rope out in the general public. So...here I was confident that jumping rope was like riding a bicycle, brushing my teeth or having sex - there are just some things you don't forget how to do. How difficult could it really be 33'ish years later, really?

I took my jump roping stance and flipped the rope over my head, prepared to jump... and the rope hit my ankles when I didn't clear the floor. I stepped over it and prepared for a second attempt....smacked across the ankles again. Attempt # 3 - this time I cleared 1/2 a foot while the other one was tangled in the rope. See where this is going?

For 10 minutes I did this...flip the rope, try to jump and get tangled up. I then gave up trying to jump with both feet and tried the alternating leg jump (kind of like lopping across it one leg as a time). This method of madness worked a couple of steps until I would get caught up again. I think a couple of times I actually got a full 20 seconds in before wrapping that damn rope around my ankles. I would rest for 10 seconds and then try it again. A few attempts were successful, a few were a total flop and I would spend the next 20 seconds trying to get a steady jump going. At the end of 20 minutes I was purely exhausted and actually thanked God for the breast reduction I had 5 years ago!. I think I burned 700 calories just trying to figure it all out!

On the car ride home with Rich and Brian (Rich's BFF) I recounted my jump roping experience and vowed to master the Jump Rope! Brian remarked that it was on now and that I would be Double Dutching by the end of Summer.

I'd just settle for the Criss Cross!

I Shake My Head..........

I am amazed at the stupid things that people say.

Take for example today...it's raining cats and dogs and few farm animals outside. The local radio news guy said "possible chance of rain". POSSIBLE? There's whole severe storm blanketing the whole freaking North part of the State. Where does he live? Certainly not around here. Yep, certainly is possible.  Geesh....

This afternoon a lady in my department came to drop off some paperwork (this particular person makes me C.R.A.Z.Y with her stupidity all the time!), she saw my tattoo.

The words out of her mouth were, "did you get a tattoo"?

Seriously? We've ONLY worked in the same dept for 3 1/2 years. Besides....what does it look like? It's big, bright and takes up the inside of my wrist. I didn't have it one day and now I do. You tell me!

I love the comments I've gotten, like "is that a REAL tattoo"? Again...duh....does it seriously look like a sticker? Who would arbitrarily draw a flower on their wrist and color it in with a marker to pass it off as a REAL tattoo? Yes it's REAL ...here's your sign!

Lately with the heat index creeping up I hear a lot of "Is it hot enough out there for you?" and "man, it sure is hot out there" - ALL flipping day! To begin with, it's June/July in ALABAMA. It's not a big surprise so stop acting like it is. This is nothing like August will be like so why start whining now? Better yet, don't flipping whine about it - you live here...you should expect it to be hot!

If I had a nickle for every time some brainless wonder asked me lately, "did you get you hair cut"? What gave it away? The fact that you can see the whole length of my neck now or the fact that it's now chin-length instead of just below the shoulders?

I shake my head at stupid shit people say sometimes!

What Have I Done?

"What have I done?"

That's what I have been repeating to myself the last couple of days. Friday afternoon I got my haircut. Short. I went in with an idea in my head but (like always) second guessed myself and got a different cut. Now...I'm not feeling it . AT.ALL. I look OLD and matronly (as my sister called me once when I had this similar cut - she is definitely my biggest critic). I wanted to look...sheek, hip, sexy, light & carefree, but the confidence I thought I would have going into this new style has gone right out the window. Now I feel deflated and defeated.

On Day 1 I convinced myself that once I could wash it and style it myself I would feel 'better'. I didn't. I styled it back..then down..but I still looked old and matronly. The lack of confidence  has reemphasized all of the other flaws I see in myself: the fact that I've gained 7 pounds since Rich came home, that no matter what I do at the gym I still have the belly fat roll and the "pouch" - and they seem to be getting larger, I look haggard and worn down,my short nails look stubby instead of neat, I could use a tan, I look chubby, I feel like crying every day (and usually do)...the list goes on and on.

FB friends and family have described it as "looks good", cute, and even "nice"...but I feel even more frumpy that I anticipated. When I say that I look matronly - I do. That's just not what I was going for. I've gotten several compliments at work this morning...but then again I work with old people.

Here's the cut...

My uncle posted on my FB that the only difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is 2 weeks. So I will TRY and give it 2 weeks before I make a decision to go for the cut I wanted, or let it grow out to the shoulders again. It will be an extremely painful 2 weeks...not to mention an extremely long process of growing it back out. It's not a bad haircut, she did a great job, but it's more "not me" than before the cut.

Hearts Apart

Tomorrow morning I will head to B'ham for an State FRG leadership workshop until Sunday afternoon. This will be the first trip in a long time where I will be leaving Rich behind. It's only for ONE night and I will only be 1 1/2 hours away from home ~ but I really, really,really don't want to go without him. Rich has a long list of things to do around home between helping our nephew with some home renovations, doing some AT school work and catching up on his work-work. If he went with me he would either be sitting in the hotel room or sitting is the FRG Workshop with me bored to tears!

Alas, I'm a big girl and have certainly had my share of extended business trips, but there's just something about being apart from each other - since deployment ended in March - that we both do not enjoy.

Well, I'm packed and off to bed!

Good night Blogland and enjoy your weekend!

??????

If you don't tell me....

how am I supposed to fucking know?

????????????

For as long as I've been breathing, I KNOW I have never, ever, effing been a mind reader. I missed that line when they were passing out the mind-effing reader gene.
And right this fucking minute it's a damn good thing these people around this office missed the hand-out too!

(END RANT)

Never a Dull Moment in HR

As much as I am burned out in my career field, I always come across things that make me shake my head and be glad that I did not miss an opportunity to do so!

Take for example this reason for leaving a job that one applicant put on his application:

"my old lady transfreed her nursing job to XXXXX"

(I omitted the city and and did not correct the applicants spelling).

Then the honest applicant went on to say he 'pointed out' of a previous job and tried to explain away a DUI in a way that makes no sense whatsoever!

Despite his stellar application and work history ~ and his honesty, he was not accepted for further consideration.

This goes into the category of 'what were they thinking?".

Wielding Power

We live in the outskirts of the Rocket City...in the county. To get 'to town' I drive around fields of cotton, cows, and a few deer here and there.

Driving to work this morning my mind was every where but 'here'. I was going over the weekend, thinking of my Dad, thinking about tomorrow, wondering what I will be doing today, wondering what to do with my hair, and the list went on and on for miles.

I was 5th in line behind slow traffic on the country road; Ugh...a slow moving truck hauling a trailer full of stuff had traffic backed up. The road is such that you can't pass. The anxiety started to build before I wondered what I was in such a big rush for anyway? I dialed back my impatience and resigned to just sit tight and enjoy the ride.

Coming down a little hill I noticed that traffic was slowing and the line in front of me was moving to the Left lane to go around something in the road. Was it a possum? An unfortunately slow raccoon? A bicycler?nope...

just a little guy that looked like this:

He was just sitting in the roadway ~ yes, he was alive.

I stopped 'thinking' after that and started laughing! I needed that!

This tiny field mouse had all of the power this morning! He was able to move mountains around him.

Loving You Dad!

Oh Daddy,
I love you so much and I miss you every single day. The other day I broke down in Publix as I scanned the card section to pick up a Father's Day card for Rich. I fought against the urge to reach out and read a Father's Day card..the kind from child to Father. I lost that battle and stood there in the aisle crying as I feverishly read one card after another. After each card I read I would think, If Daddy was still here, this would be the card I would pick". I couldn't help myself even though I knew that my heart was breaking. I cried all the way home, dumped my purchases and headed to my closet where I sat on my stool.

I just wish for one more of your ridiculously long email jokes. There was a time when I would groan because you would fill up my inbox with lengthy stories and whatever else you could find on the Internet. I'm ashamed to admit that there were times I would open my email to a dozen new jokes or stories that I just didn't have time to read, and would hit delete. I never appreciated that one day...like today...I would give anything to open my email and see a fresh email from you. I would read every single word, Daddy..five times over...just to know that you were sitting at your home, in your recliner, with your laptop.

I remember climbing up in your hospital bed and laying with you a few weeks before you died... my head on your chest like I did when I was a little girl and I cried. You ask me what was wrong, you called me Baby...I told you I was scared. I knew you would never leave the hospital again ~ you didn't know. You caressed my hair and told me not to be scared that everything would be okay. But it wasn't, Daddy. It'll never be okay again. I miss you so much Daddy.

If you can hear me Daddy...I love you! Thank you for being the most wonderful Father! I didn't deserve such a man like you to be my Dad but I am so grateful that you were. Happy Father's Day Daddy.

You've Got Ink!

Once upon a time I got inked.

A simple little phrase called "Love" - a double ambigram - on the inside of my left wrist. It was supposed to read "Love" forward and backward. When held up to a mirror, it read "Peace". Such an awesome piece of work ~ my niece has the same one.

Except....mine didn't turn out the way I planned and for years have gone around with a tattoo that looked like "2007". I kid you not! I was constantly asked what "2007" meant. One a few occasions someone would remark "2009", to which I would say, "No...2007". I finally just gave up explaining the "love" concept and conceded to "2007" and say it was just a bad year that I never wanted to forget (the part about the year...that's true).

Gathering up the nerve and the cash I headed to the Tattoo shop in April for a cover-up Tat! A Gerber daisy in bright, yet soothing, colors. Something that looked fresh and alive...to help me move beyond the darkness of grief and loneliness of 2010. Let me say...it hurt like HELL! There was one point that I almost passed out. The skin is SO THIN that it began to break down after 2 1/2 hours. We stopped and agreed to get back together to finish up after it healed. The tornadoes came and life and commitments kept me away until yesterday. Yep - it still hurt A LOT as she (Yes, my tattooist is a female), touched up color, edges and added the script "be brave, live life".

It's complete now. The flower and phrase remind me to be brave and keep going, no matter what!

A Short Blog...

Circa 2008 - PCB, FL!

I want short hair again!

It never fails...I cut my hair and then gradually grow it out again. But the truth is, I really love having short hair. True, I can't put it in a ponytail and just go (I rarely do that anyway unless I go to the gym ~ then I come home and wash it, dry it and style it for work) or working around the house. I end up washing and drying it usually 5 days a week ( I KNOW...not good for my hair) and it TAKES FOREVER to blow dry it into a style.

I'm 45 ~ my hair is caught between straight and curly because of age and nature; in my younger years it was ALWAYS stick-straight. There is not a good in-between style and look that doesn't require product, a blow dryer, and (sometimes) a curling iron...to just make it look 'natural', or professional for work, or casual for personal days. The styles I end up achieving are either straight (dull) or curled (think 80's big hair), sometime I can rock a little mouse and spray to get the messy heavy-wavy look.

There are mornings when I can rock a good hair day but the style hardly stays all day and I have to put so much product in it just to make it til lunch. Right now it's long (to me) at shoulder-length. I look in the mirror every morning at the hair on my head and I never feel like "me". It's always someone else's idea of what I should look like. When I mention cutting my hair I get some resistance and the "I like you better with long hair" Does that mean you can't like me with short? Would I not be sexy with short hair? Would I cease to be a professional? Would you be embarrassed by me?  "You look better with longer hair". Are you saying I look like shit otherwise? "Short hair" makes you look older". I don't think so. "Long hair signifies youth". I'm 45 not 25.

I've heard it said so much that long hair is just sexier and so much more versatile. Can't I have both sexier and versatile without all of the hair??

So. There. That's my SHORT blog.

What to do? What to do?

Allergic to Work?

It's a CRAZY thought...but I think it all the time. Not in an "I'm too lazy to get my fat ass out of the bed and go to work" way, but in a "I feel perfectly fine until I get to work", way.

Let me explain:

Five days a week my peepers look like this before I leave for work:

(Not my Peeper)

Within minutes of getting into the office (or to a department store)

My "Windows to the Soul" look like this:

(Not my Peeper, either..but looks pretty damn close)

And I do this ALL E'ffing day long:

And to top it off...this is not a good 'old seasonal issue ~ it happens all year long. I went to the eye doc a year ago and he said my eyes were just dehydrated and I needed to use XYZ-eye-lubricant-of-the-moment. So I drowned myself in H2O and squirted XYZ eye lub in the eyes. It helped...for a while.

A few months ago I went to my family doc - she asked me,

"What seems to be the problem today"?

I thought 'How the hell can you not see when I'm looking at you with theses?

I pointed to my eyes and responded, "uh..they hurt, feel swollen, are are red...ALL.THE.TIME"

For that I got a teensie-tiny eye drop that even with insurance cost me $50!

They worked for as long as the drops lasted.

Ugh..and double UGH!!

I stopped at Walmart Hell this morning on the way to work and grabbed allergy pills that swear on their Great-Granny's, brother-in-law's, next door neighbor's, cousin that they work for Itchy Watery eyes. They don't water so much but they sure itch!

When I get home in the late afternoon...they clear up!

Coninkydink?

I think not!

52 Years...

52 years ago yesterday this beautiful couple was married. She was 16, he was 18. This picture was taken almost a year earlier - Mom would've just turned 16 and Daddy would have been 17.

Mom and Dad were married on Earth for 50 years and 6 months.  They have been gone now for 1 year, 5 months, 1 week.

I still relive those last weeks and days in my mind on a daily basis. Sometimes those memories capture my concentration, sometimes they are like a whisper through my mind; so fast that I don't fully notice. The stain of the loss of them always lingers in the back of my heart and under the surface of my skin. I can't and don't touch it ~ if I let it be then I won't get caught up in the sorrow that never goes away.

I miss them every single day!

Happy Anniversary Mama and Daddy!

I love you so much!

Blurry and Out of Focus

Tomorrow will be 3 months since my husband returned from the Sandbox. It's hard to believe that 90 days has gone by since deployment was officially over and the emptiness of a year apart began to vanish. We were able to come back to our life rather effortlessly, but with a great deal more passion and thirst for our life and marriage than ever before (and I'm not just talking about sex here...although...).

As I look back over the 3 months I see how far we have come and how much we've changed yet stayed the same. There are subtle things, like erratic sleeping patterns, a little hypervigilence, mental and physical exhaustion, loss of concentration, lack of motivation - for both of us. The second month of return we spent traveling and just 'doing'...while working at the same time. We gave caution to the wind when it came to working out and eating healthy (and having a few drinks more during the week than 'normal'). We loved and laughed more than ever dreamed possible and had a great time. Month 3 began on the heels of the Alabama tornadoes and the devastation in our area and neighborhood. We became discombobulated for a few weeks. We just felt like we couldn't get our footing.

Yesterday at lunch my husband told me that he feels like he's lost his edge...his mo-jo..his focus. He's having a difficult time grasping and organizing himself following deployment and just getting back into his pre-deployment groove at work (and on the golf course - yes, I've noticed Babe). This was something I totally understood because I have felt the same way about myself. We seem to be living in 3 worlds right now: pre-deployment, deployment and post-deployment ~ each world overlapping the other but not one becoming more dominate yet. 

Before deployment we had a groove and routine in our personal and professional lives. We rocked and rolled along and were at the top of our game. Then deployment came along and our weeble began to wobble..just spinning, until we were able to learn a new world's balance. For little more than a year he lived and adapted to not only a new 'normal' but a new country where war was happening. I transitioned to a life that was sad (grieving the loss of my parents and my husband), it was certainly lonely, and sleepless. We both had new responsibilities to deal with and had expectations placed on us to keep it together, keep going, head-up, don't cry, stay busy. We adjusted.

I thought long and hard about the conversation I had with my husband yesterday. This morning at the gym (which I had not been to seriously since he came home), about how I feel just like him. Disorganized, out of focus, like I can't get my groove back. By this I mean the groove and pace we had while he was deployed. We had adapted to that pace and now it's gone. Here we are in the post-deployment life and we are trying to find that fit within our surroundings again. Our relationship has never been stronger - that's not what I'm talking about here - it's the living part that seems hazy. How do we we get our focus back? How long will we feel like together we are just floating along waiting to be tethered to something familiar again.

We were both content to say that we weren't impacted by deployment, that we were able to just jump right back into our old life and keep on going without skipping a beat. In truth, we've been about 80% successful in doing that. It's the other 20% that is a struggle. The 'old' life was replaced with deployment, deployment was replaced by 'now'. How do we make sense of those 3 existences and make them One again?

I've Fallen and Can't Get Up...

 

Yep! At 5:38am this morning I was lying so comfortably behind my husband. The cabin was quiet with the sun just starting to peep through the window shades.

I gave my love a light squeeze and rolled to my back..then to my left side.

I kept on rolling until the nice hard wood floor stopped my fall!

Yes, Kids...
I'm 45 years old
and
I.FELL.OFF.THE.BED

I'm laying there in the floor, Rich raises up and says

"Honey? What are you doing down there?"

I've fallen and I can't get up!

(I wish I'd said that..but at the time I couldn't stop laughing)

Instead I replied....
"Hell, I'm awake now"!

He Should Come With a Warning Label

This handsome guy....

Should come with a warning label!

"COULD CAUSE UNEXPECTED RAPID WEIGHT GAIN"

Not to HIM...Oh, No! He is a trim, lean, 175'ish. Eats like a freaking horse, snacks up until bedtime and enjoys a few drinks here and there. Not an OUNCE of weight gain! In fact, he's lost weight since he came home from deployment. (the bastard - I say that lovingly)!

Me? not so much!

He is bad for my health!

A clear example: Last night I was getting ready for bed and in he walks with 2 fudge pops - one for me and one for him! What the Hell?? No, I didn't have to eat it but I sacrificed myself so he wouldn't eat both. How unhealthy would THAT have been?

Seriously?!

A shoulder injury & early morning PT has kept me from the gym for a week - and I'm really hoping to get back next week. I need to get back to it ~ and my eating program. I'm feeling fat, heavy-feeling, and bleeecckkkk! The 6 pounds I've gained since he came home 2 months ago feels like 15!

I feel thick!

I'm off my schedule...off my game...my focus is shot, my goal has gotten fuzzy.

Maybe I need a warning label on my fridge, my food pantry, kitchen cabinets...

So, I'm getting back in the game! Okay, After this weekend!

(Who can start a new game on the weekend?? Don't judge).

Fading Memories

My parents were the glue to our family. The one common link among my brothers, sister, and our families. When they died our link to one another seemed to be breaking. Last year was filled with mourning and taking care of the business at hand (dealing with the after-effects and estate). My son, Josh, decided that he was not going to let the family fall apart and scheduled our first Family Breakfast; we now meet the first Sunday of each month for breakfast and catching up. Not everyone can make it due to work and being out of town, but we seem to be sticking with it pretty well. About the same time my daughter started a family newsletter that would be distributed at the breakfast to announce happenings, share stories and memories, and become just another layer of trying to hold us all together. Kelley and I worked together on the newsletter until January this year, when I took it over.

What I've found in doing the newsletter is that I only know so much information about our parents and ancestors. This newsletter goes out to aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, my siblings and their families...and I'm getting very, very little feedback and even littler contribution for information, stories, favorite memories.

Take for example this edition: It is celebrating my parents' (would be) 52nd wedding anniversary and Father's Day. Just like I do every month, I asked, begged, pleaded with my family, extended family and friends to share a memory that goes with the theme. Simple enough...don't we all remember something...anything..about my parents or my dad? I swear the crickets jumped out of the last post and right into my requests because that's all I've gotten. Fortunately, I was able to increase the font of the text, add a few pictures and pull a couple of stories together from my aunt and uncle; just to fill the pages. Pitiful!

I ranted to my daughter last night that this there is probably going to be one more newsletter and that's it. I only have so much in my bag of thoughts and memories, and frankly, I don't think anyone gives a shit whether there is a newsletter or not. Everyone enjoys reading them (I think...I hardly ever hear a peep about if they like it or not), but no one is willing to give me anything to go into it! Kelley suggested that people may not like to talk about my parents...too painful. I call ultimate bullshit on that! I'm sick and tired of their death being played as an excuse to not do something. Then again, if they aren't ready to talk about them then I'm certainly not going to force them to read it.

This is my rant for the month, week, day It saddens me and it pisses me off!

This is just a screen shot of the latest edition that will be sent out this weekend.