Morbid Obsession

I'm going to die. I'm pretty sure that I know how... but I just don't know when. Lately I've found myself thinking about, obsessing over and in deep deep thought over dying. If family history is consistent, and short of getting hit by a bus, perish in a plane crash, or a fluke car wreck, I will die from a heart attack.

Generations and generations of heart attacks. No cancer...very few cases of natural causes...or illness-related death. Just a good old fashion heart attack.

The dream I had recently, the one where I dreamed my Mother died, was the very first dream I've had her her since she did die 19 months ago. I have yet to dream about my Dad. But the dream about my Mother completely shook me up, emotionally and mentally. I've tried so hard to ignore her death and avoid the grief - this dream brought it all back in spades. It also got me thinking about my own death. Will my children grieve for me in the same way I grieve for my own Mother? God, I hope not...I wouldn't want my children to feel this much pain. Will I know that I'm dying? I'm not sure that I want to know that; maybe it will be a quick "widow maker" - in my case a "widower maker"; as I'm almost 100% positive that I will go before my husband. Back to the grieving...will my youngest son grieve for me? What about the oldest son? They are technically my step children ~ will it be the same as it will be for my biological children? I'm thinking not. They will miss me but I don't think they will feel it so much.

To compound...or maybe because of my obsessive thoughts.. I've had another round of 'twinge' pains in my chest..for about a week now. It's not a heart attack but it sure makes me stop and wait for the other symptoms to arrive. I work out, I'm (semi) healthy (low cholesterol), I don't smoke and except for the Friday Whine/Wine Fest with The Whittens - I don't drink too much. But STILL...I wait and I worry about "what if". Then I worry about if I'm prepared. Is anyone ever prepared to die?

Pretty morbid, huh? Why did I have THAT dream of my Mother? Was it a sign? Was it a warning? Or was it just a dream?

I've got to shake this...whatever it is...feeling that I'm living with a ticking time bomb ~ then again, aren't we all?