Sleeping on the Surface

When Rich was deployed I learned very quickly to sleep on the surface. It's like the 'new mother' sleep, where you just graze the surface of sleep but are still able to hear everything around you; never sinking deep enough to get restorative sleep.

For a year, sleeping on the surface helped me to be aware of my surroundings in the house without my husband, to hear the phone if it rang, in the early days of deployment - to hear the beep of Skype, a potential car door or knock on the door (lest something tragic happened). I didn't want to sleep through anything important. For a year I slept at the edge of sleep, never going off into the deep well of restfulness.

When Rich came home from Afghanistan, I still found myself sleeping on the surface - even though I could feel his body next to mine and sense his equal restlessness as he tried to readjust back to home life. I knew when he rolled over, I could tell by his breathing when he was awake, when he got up to walk through the house, and when he slept for brief moments at a time.

Still 4 months later I find myself unable to move beyond the surface. I've tried prescription and natural sleep aids to pull me under; they often work but leave me more tired and 'drugged' than I want. Now I just wing it and cat nap throughout the night until the wee hours of the morning; only to get up stiff and exhausted. Last night was one of those surface nights ~ I tossed and turned all night, laid there just listening, thinking, praying, and then flip over again. I even bypassed the gym in hopes of falling into one of those last-minute deep sleeps that occur between when the alarm goes off and the snooze alarm sounds. It didn't happen. I laid there wishing I'd just gotten up and gone to the gym.

How long until the military-spouse-of-a-deployed-soldier sleep pattern fades and normalcy returns?

I wonder how long it will take for my body and mind to find a way off the surface. To realize that my husband is home with me and I don't have to twinkle sleep anymore.