They are Gone.

What happens when we die?

I often ask myself this question. Do you know you are dead or are you just dead and there is nothing?

I often pray on the way to work..just a casual conversation between me and God. Well, it's actually a one-sided chat because I don't usually get any feedback from God. More times that not, I will ask God to tell my parents that I love them and that I miss them. Today I stopped mid-request and decided that it was stupid to ask such a thing. Why would they care? It doesn't mean anything to them anymore and it doesn't change anything for me. They died and they are gone. They are dead and will always be dead. And does it really matter to God how I feel about my parents...what difference does it make to a God who designed us to die anyway?

The void left is just here...deep inside of my heart...it doesn't go away and it doesn't hurt less with time (people lie when they tell you that bullshit).

"Just below the surface of our adult facades, there is a little girl or a little boy that wants daddy’s recognition or mommy’s embrace more than anything else in the world. And in the mind of that little girl or little boy, we may still feel that we have never quite earned either the recognition or the embrace. This kind of generalized guilt is almost universal with parents and their adult children. It is there in our grieving.

- R. Scott Sullender "Losses in Later Life"

People think they know..but they don't unless they know. The bitterness I feel lingers..sometimes its all that gets me through to the next day when it starts all over again.

Peace.