The Start of a New Normal

For  1 year I have rushed home from work or anywhere I may be, to Skype with my husband while he's down range. He always went to work early (0330-0400 for him/ 3:30-4:00am - 5pm-5:30 my time.). Sometimes as I'm driving home he would text to say he was in the office and to see if I was home yet. My fisrt thought would be "Shit...I'm still 10 minutes away". Too many times my daughter and others have remarked at how I just blatenly drop a conversation when I hear the Skype ring, without courtesy.  I would schedule my life around when I "thought" I may get to talk to Rich; the thought of missing an opportunity to talk to him just haunted me day and night.  When I would go to work I would take my netbook and log in when I got there (it has a camera which is a no-no at my office for security reasons. I got exclusive permission from security to use it)...sometimes we would grab a moment to Skype before he left work; usually between 1900/7pm - 2100/9pm..

Today as I left work I knew I needed to go by Publix...I began to mentally calculate just how much time I may have before Rich would be online. Then it hit me...I don't have to do that anymore. I won't need to take my netbook to work any longer or rush home from work....or schedule dinner out around a deployment time zone...or drop my friends and family mid-sentence to rush to grab a call.. It's really over. Deployment is over and he is no longer on a deployment schedule.

It's a very, very weird feeling to know that I have so many deployment-related habits to break! At some point I hope to finally be able to sleep without keeping my mind 85% in-tune to any phantom doorbell ringing in the middle of the night.

The Beginning of the End

This little picture of Heaven:

Yeah, it's a negative number! It means that my husband is no longer in Afghanistan and the transition HOME has begun. (we set our Circle of Freedom for his departure date from Afghanistan). He should be home in less than 2 weeks and I could not be more excited! Well, when he's finally home I will be more excited!!

It's a wonderful and strange feeling to know that we have come to this point and in a couple of short weeks the physical part of deployment will be over. I don't kid myself into thinking reintegration will be smooth sailing, as I beleive there will be some adjusting there too...a new 'us' to get used to again and a new normal.

For one, I'll have to give him back his side of the bathroom vanity! There was nothing wrong with my side...I just liked his better. I will also have to give him back his part of the closet and put ALL my shoes where they go rather than kicked off in the floor. They'll be more laundry to do..no more waiting until the weekend for a full load. I'll be giving back his car that I've been driving for a year now. Then there will be the adjustment to cooking for 2 instead of one (or for 4 rather than 3). I won't be toting around my netbook every where I go on the off-chance that he will get to Skype with me. I'll need a new watch that just has one time on it rather than the dual time watch I've worn for a year.

They'll be someone sharing my space again...what happens is he doesn't like the new shows that I watch on TV? I stopped watching "our shows" after he left. I'll have to adjust to being the second banana again as far as the dog is concerned. He'll look around at the overgrown bushes in the back yard and see that I just let it grow and get all crazy...will he be disappointed in the things I did or didn't do around the house?  Will he like my hair cut? Will he still love me enough when he sees that I've lost weight..will he think it wasn't enough? Do you think that he will still find me interesting? I still have that horrible loose skin pouch..I've tried so hard to get rid of it but it's still there just as ugly as ever. Will that matter to him and be a turn off? What is he's not attracted to me anymore? I've spent ALOT of time alone..I've grown accustomed to my own company and I think I may be quieter now.Will he miss the relationships he developed down range so much that he will be disallusioned with home?

Needless to say, the anxiety has begun.

Checkbook...Smeckbook!

Can I just say it.... I hate, HATE, HATE...balancing a checkbook! I do it only so I know how much money I have or don't have. Since Honey's been gone I have had to balance not one - but two bank accounts; as we have always maintained separate accounts. Today I sat down to do a balance on both accounts and realized that I spend way too much time and money eating out and going to Publix! Maybe a tad bit of shopping here and there.

So...anyway....my account? Not so good and it's 1 1/2 weeks til my next payday. Honey's account? Looks pretty stinking good. It's soooo tempting not to just make a nice little transfer to my account....but I refrain. Alas, I admit that I've used it a few dozen times when I was running short, but for the most part he's got a bit more disposable income that I do. (Yes Honey...if I would leave YOUR account alone, you'd have so much more).

Back to balancing. It didn't take me long to do take my balance down to an amount that tells me I am eating in for the next week and a half and not shopping unless for essentials; like milk and bread. It's tempting to not whip out Honey's debit card, which I have done on too many occasions. (yeah, maybe I should take it out of my wallet, eh?) 

I'm not as meticulous as Honey is in balancing and I'm only playing with 1/2 my paycheck (the rest goes to Honey's acct), no big dollars there. If I'm out a few cents or even a couple of dollars...I let it ride a short time and then make a manual adjustment. Now Honey's account, I have not balanced out in a month. His account is extremely meticulous and I spent 35 minutes looking for 5 cents! 5 CENTS! I never did find it so I made a manual adjustment. 

When we married the only pre-nup we had was that I wouldn't take out the garbage and I would NOT handle the bank account - oh, and the person that wanted out of the marriage had to take ALL the bills and the Kids!!  I loved living in financial bliss for 13 years by not having to handle the bills and primary accounts.Well now, a year of deployment has made me eat those words in the worst way (except for the kids, they are all grown now).

I hear that with reintegration the returning soldier may want to take back control of certain things...like the bank account and some spouses may have a difficult time transitioning some things back to the Soldier. Not this chick...he can have it back as soon as he can blink an eye! 

Honey, and as a bonus I'll trade you garbage duty for vacuuming!

Do You Know???

Do you know what this is??????

This is the 2nd container of my Honey's stuff from the Sandbox!!!

It arrived this morning!

Do you know what that means?????

It means that our Circle of Freedom looks like THIS......

And you know what else that means????

It means that in less than 2 weeks he will begin his transition out of there!!!! He'll still be a few weeks from being home but he won't be THERE anymore!

Do you know what that makes ME?????

Pretty effing happy!

Pulling it Back Together

After  my tearful blogging episode yesterday I got the familiar Skype alert and saw my husband's face. We probably got a few words exchanged as he's working away, before he stopped and looked straight at me. "What's wrong"? "Nothing. Everything's fine" - I lie with a smile. He goes through asking how each of the kids are doing, our neighbors, my sister..."all fine"..."It's in your voice, something's not right". I wave him off as the tears start to fall again. "Just a rough moment, I guess. I just can't talk about it without crying and I can't cry anymore". We talk about random things, then he said "your feeling lonely aren't you"?

I cry harder...I can't say anything and I hate myself more for breaking down on Skype...doesn't he have enough to worry about? "Yea, I am. I'm so sorry..just having a moment .. I'll be fine. Let's talk about something else, okay"? We go on to talk a little while longer; we talk about his work and how close we are to the end of deployment. We talk about almost being in single digits until he leaves his base for Kuwait - in less than 4 weeks he will be home. We talk about everything and anything for about 30 minutes...I actually had his full attention and that helped so much. We ended the conversation on a high note and I felt much better

not less alone,

but better.

Not Feeling it...

A cloud of 'funk' has been following me around now for a while. A few days maybe...a week...a month...maybe longer.  I realized today as I was driving home from work that the mood - the 'blankness' is loneliness. I go through each and every work day virtually invisible to those I work among. There's no one in my whole day that I talk to (other than the courtesy hello). I'm jealous of women who have girlfriends that get together, talk, share a laugh or two...I don't have that. As I'm crying in desperation I picked up my cell phone to reach out... to hear a voice, only to realize that there's not one friend on my cell phone that I would feel comfortable with just calling.. to chat, to vent, to cry with me when I want to cry. My friends and family have their own friends and families that take their time and attention. Again there's not a comfort feeling there that I could impose.  I come home to emptiness every single day.  The silence just crushes me when I drive into the garage. There are days that I just don't want to get out of the car. There's no one to ask how my day was, how I'm doing, or to just hug me. Gosh, I miss a real hug! Just a simple heartfelt, comforting hug. A "I'm so happy you're home and I've missed you" hug. I miss the feeling that I'm special, that I'm important to someone, that I'm...loved.

Let me clarify, lest someones feelings get hurt... I do have family living in the house with me but they are living their own separate lives. I also know they love me. This feeling inside of me goes so much deeper.

I've been hesitant to blog about how I'm feeling...I'm not looking for sympathy or an ego-boost. I'm not looking for others to join my pity-party. It's just how I'm feeling today. I needed to blog for me..because it's the only voice I hear most days.

In the Silence of the Morning..

It's early on Saturday morning. The house is so quiet; but for the heating unit humming. Even my thoughts seem to be silent as I grasp for something concrete to think about.

Another Saturday morning without him....gosh, how many have here been? My 'Circle of Freedom' tells me it been 45. The end is drawing near and we have maybe 4 left? The closer we get the slower time seems to pass. He has signed orders for his 'get the hell out' date; being ANG we know that those won't/can't change..

.Still it's knowing that in these last few weeks anything can happen. The war is still going on around him, the rockets are still finding their mark, and the stress of it all still exists.  Once the Freedom Flight has lifted off out of Kuwait we will both be able to let out that first breath of air.  It'll still take a few weeks for him to finally be HOME; travel to the U.S. then an unknown processing period in MS;  I don't care how long it takes, as long as he's not THERE anymore.

Like everyone else in Blogland, I am mentally tired and so over this deployment.

The end!

Heaven in a Little Cup!

This (underneath the plastic wrap)......

is Banana Pudding from Dreamland BBQ!

It is was delicious...dreamy..and Heaven in a cup!

YUM!

When Joey Comes Marching Home Again....Hoorah, Hoorah!

With a heart already broken, I sent Joey off to War. He was brave, cute as hell, and took the realness of home to my Love! Before Rich left he gave me Jack. Jack was big and brawny, but way too much fluff for my taste.  Jack ended up in the floor - sorry Jack! (He's still on the floor)

  Along the ways of deployment, my Love sent Ben to me. Although Ben was just the right size and the perfect 'touch', he just never measured up to my Joey! Ben ended up perched on the headboard watching over me as I slept restlessly.

This week I received a box from my Love. Amid the tshirts, trinkets, and letters he had received over the past several months... I found Joey! Joey had served my Soldier well and his mission was complete.  Although he won't accompany his unit home, Joey has served Rich well, and will be waiting at home for his return! After a much needed shower and a good drying out....Joey will be back on duty keeping me safe and comforted!

I will be more than excited once my Love, my Soldier, my Best Friend in the entire World, returns home to join me & Joey!!

Uhh, Honey...Sorry...

I've made it through 10 months of deployment without breaking anything! Well, I'm not counting the 2 vacuum cleaners. And I'm not going to count the garbage disposal that sounded like it was coughing up glass bottles for a few weeks, since it miraculously fixed itself. Then there was something on my car that broke...the A/C was blowing heat; cost us a couple hundred to fix - not counting that either since I wasn't driving it when it happened. What about the Kuerig coffee maker that quit working? Threw it away and bought a new one.

And what the hell happened to the bottom drawer of the bathroom vanity - it wouldn't shut all the way. Several times I actually got into the vanity to figure out what was wrong. Finally I ignored it and my Honey fixed it on R&R. (Yes, I noticed and Yes, I'm a schmuck for not noticing until AFTER you left). There was a slight problem with the deep freeze 'breaking' only to find out that the breaker had been tripped. Oh, wait...there was the A/C something or another that went out in the house...nope not my fault; plus it was still under warranty. And I may or may not have tapped his bike backing in to the garage recently when it was snow & ice.

It was 0445 (4:30am) this morning...darker than dark. I got in my car (okay, Rich's car that I've been driving since he's been gone) to head to the gym. I take a quick survey to check the car(s) in the driveway to make sure I can clear them. (We have several people staying at the Richardson Bed & Breakfast right now)!

 Hop in, back up...yes, cleared the car. Then CRUNCH..................WTH? Sonofabitch!

I get out to survey the damage and to see what I hit. (don't judge the dirt) Wellllll..now. My neighbor borrowed Rich's trailer last night to move some furniture and left it parked in the little grassy area between our driveways. Totally normal!

I hit it.

Yep....In my defense, it was dark and low to the ground.

Text conversation:

6:10am   Me:  "Home from the gym...i love you. oh, I boo bood your car"

6:20am   Honey: "Picture please! I L U 2"

I relay the events in text.

6:26am - Honey - "Oh well"

6:27am - Me: "did you know your bumper is not plastic?"

What do you do?

OH...the thing about tapping his bike...NOT TRUE! See Honey, don't you feel better already?!?

Round and Round...Heart to Heart

                                       My daughter Kelley is 24. She is not only beautiful in so many ways, but she is amazing through and through!

She grew up on me before I knew what was happening! Today she is married to an equally awesome man, Full-time student, P/T worker, and a member of the Dixie Derby Roller Derby!

As many of you know, I lost both of my parents Dec. 2009. My father passed away on Dec. 31, 2009, after a 9 1/2 month battle from Heart Disease complications. As a result of the love & care given to Dad during his fight for life, and her desire to be with my father, my mother passed away unexpectedly on Dec. 29, 2009 -two days before my father. They were married more than 50 years and were the center of our universe!

Heart Disease is the legacy of our family history. My father lived to the age of 69 (Dec. 5, 2009) - outliving 5 generations of Blocker men, all who died from heart disease. Heart disease is the NUMBER 1 leading cause of death in both the Booth & Blocker sides of my family.

On Feb. 9, 2001 Kelley will participate in the 4th Annual Broken Hearted Skate-a-Thon, supporting the American Heart Association, in her grandparents' honor and memory! Please consider making any donation to help us fight for OUR lives. A small donation will make a big difference! Help us to help fund the research needed to stop Heart Disease so that my parents' deaths, and the deaths of so many, will not have been in vain.

Follow this link to visit Kelley's personal web page (follow her Roller Derby adventure) and help us in our efforts to support the American Heart Association. Help spread the word!

http://kdunavant.wordpress.com/ or
http://dixiederbygirls.chipin.com/kelley-broken-hearted-skate-a-thon

If you are in the local area, you are invited to attend the Skate-a-Thon for a $10 admission charge: Feb. 9 @5:30pm. Roller Time Skate Center, Huntsville, AL.

Peace, Love & Good Health to you!