Out of No Where..

Saturday morning my husband and I got up at 5:30am, got dressed and headed to the local armory. One of our local units was leaving for deployment, taking with it one of my dearest and closest friends.

We made it to the armory 45 minutes before the buses rolled; found Dana and got to spend a few moments with her and her family. A few hugs later, Rich & I slipped away as she spent a few last precious moments with her family before stepping into formation.

Once we drove away I told Rich that it was difficult to watch families being torn apart like that; kids and spouses crying and grasping for just one more kiss..one more touch..one more picture. When Rich deployed there was no ceremony, no gathering. His unit was a four-man team..it was 6am..I drove him to the armory in the early morning darkness, took a few pictures and kissed until our lips had to part. There were no words spoken by command, no formations, nothing. Just four Soldiers, one SR. NCO and a van to take them to the MOB station.

I began to cry Saturday morning as the flood of emotions came back to me from that cold April morning more than a year ago. The remembrance of driving away and knowing my life had just changed and I was alone in only the "aloneness" that a spouse can feel. I felt the nights of coldness and fear, the ghost-walks through the house looking at my life but not recognizing anything.

I found myself back to the times of sheer loneliness that came and went many times throughout the deployment year..oh, the deep pains of grief, the sleepless nights. I cried in the car with my husband for each of the days in the year we were apart; the emotions flooded out of me without warning.

I had never taken time to grieve for what deployment took from us and what it cost us both individually.

I cried the other morning for my Friend and for the families & Soldiers who had just gathered to separate.

Peace..

Our Cover is Blown

During the day Rich and I are hard-working professional folks..

but at night.....

 Super Heroes!

Happy Halloweeny!

Note to Self

When you have to go pee...

Go pee.

Don't wait until you can't hold it

one more second.

And before you go

Pee

Don't stop by the kitchenette at work

and notice the coffee pots are still on.

Don't turn the coffee maker off

rinse out the pots

and then decide to fill up your water bottle

before you go Pee.

Because out of no where you will have to

Cough.

Yeah, Note to Self!!

Dreamin'

I have had THE WEIRDEST dreams lately! It's so unlike me to even remember that I've had a dream but the past few nights my subconscious has traveled to some pretty far-fetch placed in dreamland! And I hadn't even taken any kind of  anything to help me sleep!

Hmm??

So, Wednesday night/morning'ish I dreamt that Rich & I went to an outside thing..more like an obstacle course thing except with games (outdoor bowling, putt-putt golf..). There were about 8 different activities that we had to complete. Rich blasted through the first few and went on ahead of me to the next. I lost sight of him somewhere along the way because he was advancing so quickly. I finally get through my events and notice one additional event for MEN only. Naked Putt-Putt! You know how in putt-putt there are bridges and houses that you have to maneuver through? Well, naked girls were contorting their bodies to form the obstacles while the Naked Men were putt-putting. I looked at Rich and asked him if he played that..he said 'well, yeah..it was extra points'. I woke up!

Last night I dreamed that Sarah and Joe from GI Joes Wife were at my house. Which is really strange because I do not know her outside of Blogland and I'm not sure she even follows my blog. So Rich came home and he and Joe told us that they got orders and were heading back to Afghanistan the next day (TODAY). I'm saying 'it's not possible..there is a dwell time' but it's in writing. I'm crying, Sarah is about nuts - 'cause she's having a baby - and I can't wrap my brain around it. I walk out of my bedroom and there are about 22 distance relatives from South Alabama in my living room. They had come to visit a great uncle and decided to stay at our house over night....my LAST night with my husband before he deploys again. So not only am I trying to figure the deployment thing out, I've got to find sleeping arrangements for 22 - 24 counting Sarah & Joe - people in MY house, along with the other four 1/2 people that live with us. The whole dream centered around shuffling people around to beds, floors and couches, all the while trying to make sure Sarah & Joe and me & Rich had some private time. I think I woke up about the time the the dream alarm went off for Rich and Joe to get up to leave.

Talk about WEIRD! I think in the back of my mind I am still afraid that Rich's number will come back up and he will head back down range again. I KNOW it's not possible but once bitten, twice shy.

As for the naked putt-putt?
I have no idea.

They are Gone.

What happens when we die?

I often ask myself this question. Do you know you are dead or are you just dead and there is nothing?

I often pray on the way to work..just a casual conversation between me and God. Well, it's actually a one-sided chat because I don't usually get any feedback from God. More times that not, I will ask God to tell my parents that I love them and that I miss them. Today I stopped mid-request and decided that it was stupid to ask such a thing. Why would they care? It doesn't mean anything to them anymore and it doesn't change anything for me. They died and they are gone. They are dead and will always be dead. And does it really matter to God how I feel about my parents...what difference does it make to a God who designed us to die anyway?

The void left is just here...deep inside of my heart...it doesn't go away and it doesn't hurt less with time (people lie when they tell you that bullshit).

"Just below the surface of our adult facades, there is a little girl or a little boy that wants daddy’s recognition or mommy’s embrace more than anything else in the world. And in the mind of that little girl or little boy, we may still feel that we have never quite earned either the recognition or the embrace. This kind of generalized guilt is almost universal with parents and their adult children. It is there in our grieving.

- R. Scott Sullender "Losses in Later Life"

People think they know..but they don't unless they know. The bitterness I feel lingers..sometimes its all that gets me through to the next day when it starts all over again.

Peace.

I Met a Woman....

I met a woman tonight that reminded me so much of my Mother. She didn't look like my Mother in the least...well, maybe her blonde hair was the first thing that drew me to her..it was just her essence - her spirit. It was more that she looked like and reminded me of my Aunt Ellen...who reflects my Mother in so many ways. I spend an hour or so avoiding her before I drew the nerve to talk to her - and then I couldn't get close enough to her. I even wanted to just wrap my arms around her and hold her so closely to me when she started to leave the party we were at. I can't say what I thought I'd feel...but I just wanted to feel my Mother's arms around me again..and I hoped...I wished....

God, I miss my Mother!

"S" is for Stupid!

So...this morning Rich and I head in to town for work. We live in the outskirts of "town" and travel a narrow 2-lane road that has 4 sharp "S" curves. Rich is driving in front of me as we come up on the first "S" turn - which you cannot see around and have no idea if a car coming from the opposite direction is rounding the curve at the same time.

Well - A member of our local Sheriff's department had a car pulled over..just as the road curves ... with his driver's door WIDE-ASS open. We have no choice but to drive into the left lane to go around both vehicles. I held my breath as I watched my husband go around the stopped cars and into the curve - praying that there is not a car getting ready to barrel around and hit his head-on.  Do you know how frightening that was..just watching and praying that he makes it without getting slammed into? Then it was my turn..we obviously made it but only by the luck of the draw!

The more stupid part is that the Sheriff guy could've blue-lighted the car after the curve turned into a straight-a-way before curving again.

To the Madison County Sheriff...here is your letter for the day....."S" for Stupid!

Move Along...

You heard the fuzz...nothing to see here! There is no post today. Nothing...nada...not zip...

• There is not post today about having dinner with a great friend last night whose husband returns home TONIGHT from Iraq!
• There is no post about how I wish Jessica could have joined us and how I look forward to seeing her again!
• There is certainly not a post about how I slept really well last night thanks to a 3/4 tablet of Melatonin. I'm not sure why I didn't eat the other 1/4 but it just seemed right at the time.
• There is not one single post about how my legs and ass hurt from working out yesterday morning; after a hundred squats, 200 lunges, 250 jumping jacks, 1 hour in a 'chair' seat position, and a thousand toe touches, followed by 3 hours of cardio on the treadmill. Okay - that's a complete exaggeration on the numbers...but I did work hard and I am sore!
• There is no post about my boring, draining and unfulfilling job that I am a million times lucky to have.
• There is no post about missing my folks and how I would give my life just to have them back for a day.
• There is no Post about my still swollen and tender hips from my surgery.
• There is no post about how much I NEED some private-away-from-home-just-me-and-him-romantic-or-not-but-just-the-two-of-us, time with my husband.

There is no post here today People.

Move along now!

Guido Goes to the Gym...

Holy Moly!! Jersey Shore must be down one Guido because there is one on the loose at the 24/7 Gym. Guido Joe shows his slicked-back black hair, up at the gym from time to time. AT 4:30 AM!!! He must've gotten up at 5:35am just to get his hair just right and pressed his clothes in order to be there by the time Rich & I arrived at 4:30!

This dude is definitely not a sight for sore or tired eyes this early in the morning and he sits pretty heavy on the stomach of anyone watching him! This 40'ish, receding hairlined Guido wannabe was wearing his usual hardcore workout clothes this morning:

The Good Ol' White Tank (aka..Wife beater) tucked in. Doesn't everyone workout in one of these?

The ever popular gym shorts - Plaid Dickie Shorts with a

black belt and cell phone!

The everso appropriate shoes for going to the gym. White as white can be!

And no self-respecting gym rat would be complete without his...

Gold chain.

The hysterical thing about this creeper is that he pushes a few weights around on the machines then takes a leisurely stroll around the gym floor in between his "reps", making sure to pass in front of the mirror to watch himself pass by, attempts to flex what he DOES NOT have and the 'checks' his package. I guess he wants to make sure that it's still there and hasn't fallen out along the way.

Why? Oh Why does he 'check' his package every few minutes? Could it be so teensy-tiny that he has to makes sure he knows where it is? Wait...I don't think I really want to know! (shiver.....)

Not only is it creepy..but he keeps moving from machine to machine until he is right next to me where I could check him out in the mirror if I was not too grossed out already. Little does he know that I wear..

Blinders on so I don't see what's he's doing next to me. It's just when he parades his skinny slimy self in front of me and the mirror that I feel like I need to go take a shower to get the invisible slime off of me.

Bleck!!!!

After about 20 minutes of his nonsense and not getting any reaction..the Harvest Guido slinked on out of there. But like any good attention-grabbing whore or a bad penny..he will show up again!

 Peace!

Tinkle...Tinkle..

So.....

Picture this (ummmm, on second thought - if you know me personally ~ don't picture this).....

Rich and I stop for lunch and a Margarita today and that Margarita was absolutely "Bomb"; I stole that term from my daughter-in-law while on vacation recently). Afterwards we drove around town, your typical Sunday drive for the old folks! Rich wanted to pull into a local car dealership just to window shop and kill a little daylight - why not...but first - 

Me: "Honey, I need to pee".

Him: "Can you hold it?"

Me: "Maybe for a few minutes, but I really gotta go. Just park next door and we'll go in that store and browse a minute while I find a bathroom".

 

 So we pulled into Pier One to browse around with the intention of scoping out a bathroom run! No biggie. Rich takes a left to look like a real customer and I dart for the Women's Room!

Here's the kicker to this little diddy ~

Let me preface this by saying that WOMEN are horrible to forget to flush the toilet! I have no earthly idea why it's so difficult, but half the time someone leaves the stall and does not flush. Since I was about to wet my pants I decided to slap on a toilet seat cover and flush. Again, no biggie. I hurriedly plop my butt down while it's still flushing; who cares - not  me because I am peeing a river. 

And then....

I feel water hit my ass! I stand up enough to look down...there...and see that the toilet if clogged and rising like a flood getting ready to crest! I'm panicked because I can't stop peeing and I'm afraid I'm going to sending the flood waters over the edge!!! Men - just so you know, women do not come with a shutoff valve and once we've started peeing...we are going to finish regardless!

So I hold my breath, all the while standing at a squat .saying OUT LOUD to myself, "no, no, no...don't do this!!"....just watching until I'm finished and wanted to high-five someone because I didn't cause a breach in the levy!  I go ahead and wipe and throw in my tissue - what else was I gonna do??? As the waters start to recede I breath a sigh of sheer relief that I was not the one that caused an overflow.

I pity the woman who came behind me!

Peace!

At the Car Wash...

So..... I got in my car this morning and headed to work:

(This is not MY car...but I have one just like it)

It was a beautiful moment driving down the little country back road that leads to town. The sun was popping so gently through the trees, and no doubt the birds were singing a happy tune. Soft classic rock lulling me into a peaceful trance. Picture it, will you?!

But then....as I sang along to one of  my favorite songs feeling like a breath of fresh air...the new morning sun broke through the trees and scattered itself ever so beautifully across the hood of my car. It was in THAT moment that I said to myself:

"Damn Girl, your car is filthy!"

I could write the whole US Constitution in the dirt across my hood! Where the hell does all of this dust and dirt come from anyway? It's not like I go mudding in my off time in my little Suzuki!! It needs a bath in THE WORST WAY!!

It just SCREAMS:

I was tempted to rip my tire cover off my car so it would blend in without anyone knowing it belonged to me. Yes, I would deny my dirty car!

The problem is...I HATE to wash my car! It's not that I'm lazy but I have better things to do...like vacuum (and I hate to vacuum). I honestly can't remember the last time I washed my car; unless you count the last time I drove through a torrential thunderstorm - which I think qualifies on some warped level! Another sad thing is that I can't remember the last time I drove through a torrential thunderstorm!!

So, unless I want to come out to my car one day and see the words "WASH ME" etched across my windows, I guess it's high-time that I broke out a wash bucket, soap and a dish rag and gave the ol' girl a good bath! Either that or I could spend my day tomorrow stalking out local gas stations and auto parts stores for some kids desperate to raise money for a trip to Washington, DC!

Happy Friday!

Peace!

Wet Cake Brains

Every day (Mon-Fri) I get up, get dressed and head to my job. I work in a nice office building. I have a great view of the grounds outside of my office. My hours are flexible and I never feel rushed or guilty about taking a long lunch or leaving early if I needed to. My boss doesn't stand at my neck 8 hours a day watching my every move. I have set work hours; Mon-Fri. 8am-5pm but can work a flex-schedule if I need to do something outside of work. My career field is interesting and I've been in it for 14'ish years.

I have a job!

Perfect, right?!

Yes...it's perfect.

BUT......................

I spend 7 hours out of the 8 hours bored to tears and looking for shit to do. (Yes, I've blogged about this subject before, but it's my blog and I can blog about it a zillion times if I want to). I actually feel like my brain is turning to mush and my professional ego has imploded to nothing.

I miss the challenge of my job. I miss being balls-to-the-wall busy..the kind of busy where I come in everyday, go from one task to another until time to close up shop and go home from the day totally exhausted.

I miss having deadlines and expectations. I miss feeling accomplished when I've done something great or even something small and meaningful. I miss knowing that my work is valued - and being given more challenging responsibilities once I've been deemed ready. I miss being in control of my professional destiny.

  

Jobs in my career field are scarce and the local market is thin as tissue paper; especially in the professional arena. I can't just throw my resume out there in the wind and hope that someone sees it at the right moment. There is a discretion and selectiveness that has to be considered - HR folks know each other around here.

What's that you say??
"Go tell your boss that you need more responsibility".

Sounds great on paper, but in a work environment focused on cutting indirect cost (e.i. my job and others like it), I would rather eat crickets than jeopardize the job I do have. I am smart enough to not complain and damn well smart enough to look busy even when my brains are dripping out of my ears. The truth is...we are just not THAT busy around here (thanks to all of the awesome budget cuts in Military and Space exploration spending).

How long can I keep up this facade without major prescription drugs, because I seriously thinks it's driving me crazy!?

It's got me thinking...is it time to redirect my career? Go in a different field and dance among other types of flowers?  Or do I continue to look outside of my glass walls at what used to be, keep my pie-hole clamped tight and shuffle papers back and forth?

Peace!

Holy Hiatis, Batman!

After a week away from Blogging, Working, Working Out, Eating Healthy, and daily Facebooking... I've made it back to civilization (of sorts). Trust me when I tell you that it's HARD getting back into the full swing of normal living after such a break.; especially at 4:15am this morning when we got up and headed to the gym after checking our weight (gain) last night before bed!

Rich and I made it to, and back from, the West Coast safe and sound without one hitch in our airline travels! As a matter of fact, we arrived (going out) 30 minutes before our appointed arrivals - even all the way to LAX! The ONLY snag we hit was with the rental car. We get to the rental place and are given a 'section' (of which we were already upgraded to because we are frequent renters), we go out to the lot and low and behold...not one car in lot 4! WTH? Oh, but we can take any car from section 5...it's 100% full with minivans! No Thanks! "But it will take a while and we are not sure when a Section 4 vehicle will be available". Don't care...we are not taking a minivan!!! So we waited for only about 20-25 minutes but it paid off and we got a snazzy Altima that was saaaweet

After hitting the first In-N-Out that we could find, our trip officially started!

We head out of LA to the High Desert, visiting our youngest son along the route for a little bit (he had school), before getting to our oldest son's home. Our days and nights were spent just enjoying our kids and grandson (he's 3 1/2) a great deal; without any predetermined agenda whatsoever! The guys went golfing and shopping and my daughter-in-law and I did our own thing...for 4 1/2 days.

Our grandson kept us on our toes and laughing! Thank goodness his Papa had a lot of energy because he sure required it! Still in recovery mode I wasn't able to run after him and pick him up to play, but we got some good quiet time together to play legos, talk, play with his toys and just have 'our' time. Clearly if you put me and Rich in a room and tell him to run to his favorite...I would get left in the dust in a heartbeat! Grandmama, who??

Our last day we headed to Venice Beach for a walk-around before dinner in LA. After saying goodbye to our kids and grandson in the parking lot of that little Mexican restaurant (that's just so wrong on so many levels), Rich and I dropped off our nephew and headed to our hotel near LAX to catch our early morning flight.

Before we knew it, morning came and we breezed right through check-in and LAX security without so much as more than a few minutes wait; we were sitting on row 24 of our first leg to home. The trip was over in a flash and each mile flown was one less mile back to reality and the life that awaited us home in Alabama.

The trip was better than we could have ever imagined!

All Packed and Ready to Roll

Rich and I are all overpacked and ready to fly out tomorrow morning. I have made my list and checked it twice just to make sure that I haven't forgotten anything important: vitamins/meds: check, clean undies: check, chargers for every electronic gadget (ipods, cameras, Kindles, cell phones): check, razors: check, neck pillows: check, Joey: check....the list goes on and one into 1 large checked bag, 1 travel golf club bag, and two carry-on backpacks. The weather between here (Bama) and there (Southern Cali/High Desert) is so different but yet similar, that it's almost impossible to pack appropriately. I swear I have packed 4 cardigan sweaters just in case, and because they look ever so cute with the shirts I packed,  and one light jacket. Rich just rolled up t-shirts, underwear, socks and a pair of jeans...yep, that will do him for 5 days. My 1/2 of the suitcase almost bulges with "what if" clothes,

Anywhoo...woo...we are packed and ready to leave this sleepy, crazy town tomorrow morning at 7am and touch down at LAX around noon! I LOVE traveling with Rich because he is just an awesome travel-mate! Plus, he can maneuver the California traffic like a pro and doesn't mind that I bury my eyes in a book while he does it.

Until next Blog....Happy trails!

California Comfort - Family Style

Rich and I board a plane for the West Coast tomorrow morning to visit two of our children (DIL & grandson) and other family. It's a trip we have been looking forward to and desperately need! It's difficult to live so far away from our children and to see our grandson grow up through photographs and stories; these infrequent trips mean so much to us!

Our oldest son is my husband's biological son (I abhor the word "step-son" - or 'step" anything!), from his first marriage ~ through circumstances beyond our control, I've only known him for 5 years and we've not always had the closest relationship. Previous trips to visit have felt strained and stressful for both of us. Each time I tried to move emotionally or physically (hugs) to him, he would step further away and I felt like I could never catch him long enough to show him that I really do love him as my own and that I care. When we would pose for pictures you could physically feel the wall between us. It was like being stuck on a merry-go-round where we are on opposite sides and no matter what we just wouldn't end up in the same place, ever.

He was skeptical because he didn't grown up around us and didn't understand how someone (me) who didn't raise him, could actually love him like I did. He didn't believe that I loved him from the moment I married his Dad, even though it took years to finally meet him in person. It seemed like every thing I said or action of love that I extended, was analyzed and questioned. It was a frustrating cycle that I gave up on many times. Couldn't he just "believe"  that unconditional love just happens between a mother and child; regardless of the blood running through the child's veins?

A breakthrough happened several months ago and he was faced with the truth, without any action from me. It was a strange turn of events that occurred and I cried for days out of sadness for time lost, fear of rejection and excitement of 'is this real?". Recently my son called me "Mom" and I just about burst into tears but instead played it like it was a normal things to hear. He may never know what that one word, spoken with honesty, meant to me.

He and I are in a new place...a good place..and I am looking forward to this trip to California!
Peace

Charles Ferrell

My Uncle Charles Ferrell died last night. After suffering several weeks with back pain, he was diagnosed last Friday with Stage 4 lung cancer that had metastasized to his bones, neck and spine. It all happened so quickly that minds are still reeling, wondering how this could happen...to him...to my Aunt and cousins.

My heart aches for my Aunt Ellen as she is faced with so much right now. Her burdens will be heavier than they have every been as she buries her sweet husband and has to find the strength to continue to care for her mother-in-law and Uncle Charles' aunt. She has no one to help her now in Florida..to lean on, to comfort her after the dust has settled and the shock wears off. My cousins live on the West Coast, where Aunt Ellen has always longed to return.

In two days Rich and I will be leaving for California to visit our kids. My heart is torn between wanting to be 'there' for my Aunt but knowing I need to be with my children and grandson.  It's too late to change plans but going forward makes me feel so guilty.

Peace

When

When

You are in a funk

I

feel

small

invisible

unimportant

untouchable

unkissable.
Unworthy
of
a
smile
a
kiss
a
touch.

Helpless

I

ache.

The Saturday Post

No...not the magazine...my POST!

I've been up since way too early for a Saturday morning. Rich left for drill before the sun came up and I've been sitting at my kitchen table since 5am scanning photographs. It has taken me 1 1/2 years to finally go through the photographs that my parents had..to actually hold them and look back over the memories that stare back at me. It's tough, its painful - regardless of the happy, smiling faces captured in them, and I can't even begin to sugar coat how it feels.

Recently a family member asked for all for the photos and blasted me for 'keeping them to myself", because it was taking me so long to part with them. I understand...I also understand that this person still had his/her parents and can't imagine how it feels, regardless of how much they loved my parents - but you have to truly be at a point of semi-strength to go through things so intimate as a picture. Just as it took each of us a long time to clean their home, go through storage, clean out storage, donate their clothes...we all have/had our own time of when we can do certain things relating to our parents things - pictures are no different.

I did the only thing I could do and that was to start scanning all of the pictures before releasing them to the masses; which I've done off and on over the past few weeks. In the stillness of this morning, I would pick up a photo to scan, look at it, and be taken back to a particular time and place and remember what it felt like to be loved by my Mom and Dad. I cried many a tear this morning before I had to stop looking at them all together and just open the scanner lid, plop down a picture and hit scan.

Soon each picture will be scanned and I will let them go.

Peace