3 Years - New Years Eve

Just as I wrote about it being three years since Mom passed away...today marks three years since Daddy followed her and died. The 56 hours between their deaths were some of the most painful moments I hope to never experience again.One thing I do know for sure is that it doesn't matter if death is sudden and unexpected or expected (we had it both ways)...it still hurts the same.

Each year since I tell myself that I will start the new year 'over' grief and I won't think about it anymore. Each year I fail within the first 24 hours. There will come a time when the sting is softened - I look forward to that time - but I am always grateful that I had two amazing parents, who loved each other so deeply, in which to miss and grieve for.

William Johnie Blocker was my Daddy - he was 69.

I miss them both...every single day.

Peace!

3 Years - It's Just Yesterday

It was 3 years ago today..this morning..that my beautiful mother died suddenly.

THREE YEARS. .

Martha Fransis Blocker was 67.

The memory of that horrible day is still so fresh in my mind and my heart. I don't want to remember but I relive it a thousand times a day. Like a broken record with film. Again. Again.

You would think that the rawness of the loss would fade after three years but it honestly hasn't. It could be because I loved her so very much - it could because her death was so sudden and unexpected - then again, it's because her death marked the beginning of the end of life as I knew it.
I am changed.
Forever changed.

Peace.

Twas the Day After Christmas

It's the day after Christmas and I'm sitting here...at work...

I have not made any valuable contribution to my employer or myself all day long. It's not that I don't have anything to do...I do...I'm just totally not motivated! I'm still sick - Day 5 of the wonderful Christmas present our Payroll person gave everyone before the holiday!! Fever, coughing, wheezing, body aches..what a great guy to share his cooties with the masses! I am armed with a big can of Lysol, locked and loaded! I will point and shoot it at anyone coming in my office with a cough once I am over this mess!

Ugh...4 more hours - maybe 3 if I can get away with it!

I do smell like Julia Roberts today! Yay me!!! Thanks Rich!

Christmas Letters

Dear Mama and Daddy,

It's Christmas once again and I miss you so much. This days reminds me of our last Christmas together and our last few days together, Time hasn't healed and I don't feel any less saddened with each passing day. For 3 years I have grieved for you...for three years I have cried for you.

I love you.

I miss you!


Dear Rick, Randy and Rhonda,

I was wrong. I can't go through my life not knowing when and if I will see you again. I can't make you want to see me once a month, but I know that I need to see you. It was important to me...it kept me whole as much as I could be whole without Mama and Daddy. I know I need to you more than you need me...but I'm not ashamed of that.

I love you.
I miss you!

Your Sister


Dear Rich,

Merry Christmas! I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love you and thank you toughing it out with me for 15 years. I know it hasn't been easy, and God knows that I can be a pain in the butt.. but I am so grateful that you love me. When my heart is broken and you know you can't fix it...you know just when to hold it so gently and try to superglue the pieces back. You are a wonderful man and I am a lucky woman!

I love you!


Dear Children,

Merry Christmas! You fill my heart with such pride and happiness. Each day I thank God that you are mine and I am here to see you grow and have families of your own. To look at you and know that I am your Mom...well, it's hard to believe how lucky and blessed I am!

I love you!

To My Children...

I have loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant with you....truly surprised both times..but I fell in love with you from that second I knew.

Your early childhood sucked for the most part; I will be the first to admit. I drug you through divorce, marriage and moving from one house, school and city more than any child should have ever been subjected to. Through it all we stuck together and relied on each other as a trio-force. We were all kids raising each other when I wasn't strong enough or equiped enough to be the parent you deserved.

I want to say Thank You. Thank you for being a significant support to me while I muddled through trying to grow up and become the Mother and adult you wanted and needed me to be. When your friends seemed to have a 'normal' family you were tethered to me. You loved me despite my short comings.

Thank you for telling me "its okay " when it wasn't. Thank you for not once stripping me down to blood and bones for the many mistakes I made and for which you had to suck up. You never punished me for my imperfection or my total losses of common sense. Thank you for never making me feel more guilty and ashamed than I already felt.

Thank you for growing with me as I found my way to adulthood and into a home life that we had always dreamed of.

Thank you for not using the words I know were probably on your tongues to remind me of the many ways I failed you. It would have been so easy for you...and even today.. to express the level of your disappointment in me.
I love you for holding the hurtful words that were so valid and rightful.

I cannot ever take back to crazy choices and life we had to live with for a several years. I will never be able to give you back the stability you missed out on or the the comfort of a long term home that you didn't have when you were growing up.

Its because of you that I wanted to be a better person. Because of you I found the desire and will to always obtain work to support us..cleaning bed pans, answering phones or renting out vidoes. Because of you I went to college and developed a career. I learned to trust and love.

I can never thank you enough...

Thank you!
I love you both endlessly!

The Vote

Well today is the day everything or nothing changes. We will know which way the wind blew later tonight.

Unfortunately regardless of the outcome, lines and common sense will be crossed by voters and non-voters in protest. Facebook and Twitter may very well blow to smitherines! It will feel like there is not an end or relief in sight from the winning side or the losing side.

I cast my vote like I hope many have done. Rolled the dice and pulled the one armed bandit....

Its all a gamble.

Remember the House always wins. Let's see who get the key to the front door.

Peace

Needing a Half-Size!

I have fallen into a size that drives me flipping crazy. In shirts I am a Medium...I am a Large. I am not small enough to fit a Medium (comfortably) and I am not big enough to wear a Large. I end up buying a Large then spend most of the time pulling it up in the front or tucking it in more in the back. In pants I am a size 12 butt with a size 10 waist. And in a dress I am usually a size 12/14 in the hips and a size 10 in the top portion.

I could use some half-size help here. How about a Medium and a half? Or a 10.5 or an 11! You would THINK the fashion world would catch on!!

It's no secret that I have had a little elective work done... there was this breast reduction thing (best thing EVER) that I did 5 years ago. Then a year ago I had a tummy tuck. Once you have a tummy tuck (any lipo whatsoever), the chances of fat-cells collecting back in the same place are very small. So where do they go? Weeeelllll....that would be my butt and upper thighs of course.
Of course!
My hourglass turned into a pear!
My bidonkidonk could seriously hurt someone if I bumped into them just right!
There is toooo much junk in my trunk!
I'm looking like a Khardashian without the skin color, hair color and money!!

No more surgery...just hard work is what it will take to lighten my rear-end!! I'm slowly getting there but I have a long way to go! Until then, I will just keep shaking what my Mama gave me and be grateful I'm not sporting a flat one!

Peace!

Why Bother

I ask myself.......

Where Did Halloween Go?

(face in the palm....huge sigh.......................)

Halloween just isn't what is used to be ~
There was a time when little (and even not-so-little kids) dressed up in costumes, grabbed a plastic pumpkin to haul their yummy loot, and yell "Trick-or-Treat" when you opened the door. Those times were soooo much fun!

The Ghost, the Witches, the Super Heros, the Cartoon favorites.....

This year we had maybe 12 Halloweeners - only 5 in true costumes that fit the occasion.The others....not so much. Those that darkened our door were not in costumes...weren't even thrilled to be there...just give them the damn candy so they can go away. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

We ended up with way more candy than we need to have in the house (but we are not going to part with it ;o)) and we were disappointed in the lack of initiative and excitement of Halloween. I got to see a lot of pictures of Trick-or-Treating kids on Facebook today - which I LOVE!!! But I was secretly jealous that we missed out!

Oh...we did get THE CUTEST little Trick-or-Treater - she made up for what we missed....my Granddaughter, Evie - our own little Garden Gnome!

Peace!

It's all in the Eyes!

I remember when this guy...

was a wee baby. We lived in Fayetteville, NC/Ft. Bragg. One night Josh was flailing around in my arms playing when - OUCH - his little finger went into my eye and scratched my eye ball. It hurt - A.L.O.T!! Off to the ER on base we went.  We were put into an examination room that looked like it belonged in any eye docs office - mirrors on each side, eye charts..the works. There was a 2 foot  strip of yellow tape on the floor about about a foot from the wall - an eye chart on the opposite wall.

The doc told me stand behind the yellow tape and face the wall - so, I did. As I'm looking at the wall with my one good eye the doctor says...Mrs. XXXX, I meant for you to face the opposite wall. Yes - I was standing there facing a solid wall (my nose just about touching). Picture it...I know you will laugh!

Folks, that 'visual' of ridiculousness still cracks me up today and was by far one of my most embarrassing moments.

Until Saturday night!

Honey and I were watching the Alabama vs Mississippi State football game. Not far into the first quarter I looked at the TV and said these words....

Me: "You mean they've both got one point already"?
Brian & Rich: "No one has scored yet" - looking at me like I'm the crazy one...hmmmp
Me: "But they each have one point a piece" - looking at them like THEY are the crazy ones
Me: "See, right there...." (Picture Alabama 0 vs Miss State 0 on the scoreboard)

My eyes see the center of the zero = a ONE.

Yes, Peeps...this has topped my most embarrassing story! After the laughter died down I still caught myself laughing at random.

Happy Monday - Peace!

A Blogging I Will Go

Yes, folks....I have decided to NOT give up blogging. It doesn't matter that I have nothing of real substance to blog about...or that that my life isn't exciting, funny or remotely interesting. I have thought, words, stories and memories to document  ~ one day I will be old and not be able to remember what I felt at a certain time in my life...or, worse yet, I will be gone and there will be nothing left to remember.

Anywhoo....I'm going to blog!

Well, not today....not right now....I have just made my cleaning list and have a house to clean!!!!! Oh, let me just say that hard wood floors are gorgeous ~ but are a pain to maintain!!

Peace!

Blogging is an Interesting Thing...

When I started blogging 2 years and 3 months ago I was a hot mess! My parents had just died and then I kissed my husband off to war - all within a couple of weeks. A "Hot Mess" probably doesn't come close to the state of my mind that day in January 2010 when I Googled deployment and came across a fellow Military spouse's blog. Although her story was drastically different than mine I felt an immediate connection to her - and a door opened to me that I had never ever realized was out there. Blogging. She became my first follower and friend.

Throughout 2010 I blogged my hurt, anger, fear and life - to no one other than myself ...then I realized that other people would tune in to read what I had to say. And then they started commenting and supporting me from states and countries away ...each word was read by many and I truly knew that the many friends I found out there in Blog land - all of us in different levels in the same boat - got me through each and every day. The encouragement, shoulders to lean on, laughter and friendship that my blog friends extended to me played a huge part in keeping me from losing my damn mind. I will forever be grateful for the unconditional acceptance I received.

In 2011 my husband came home and we began and continued to find our balance and groove with our marriage, family, jobs and home life. Still I blogged and leaned on those relationships with other military (and non-military) spouses that I "met". As time passed I began to blog less - then even lesser.

It's almost the end of 2012 and I barely blog at all anymore. Life has gone on and some days only the weather changes. I think of things to blog about ...even write full blogs in my head that never make it to written words. I'm a different place in my life from where I started to where I am know. Life is just life with many different facets of life as an ANG wife, FRG Leader, professional in my field, mother to grown adult children and grandmother. Is it worth writing (or reading) about?

I'm at a crossroad now. Do I continue to blog or say that it's been a great healing for me and move along? I'm not sure what the answer is just yet. I'm going to come back in a few days with the answer.

Until then.

Peace

Nothing Makes Sense ..

There was a young man..his name is Brandon Hydrick. I tell you his name because when you read this post I want you to say his name to yourself and think of him for that split second. He was 26 - and a victim of a senseless murder early yesterday morning.

Brandon's death hit too close to our home. Just hours earlier he was laughing, sitting around a bonfire at a private camp area back in the fields, enjoying a beautiful night with his brother, Ryan, and my youngest son, Brandon, his girlfriend and several other close friends. After everyone left my son drove off first; thinking her took the wrong road at the "Y", he called back to Hydrick and Ryan, as he could still see their truck in the field getting ready to leave. My Brandon was going to turn around and follow them out but Hydrick told him to keep going and he would be okay on the road he was on. Shortly there after Hydrick and his brother encountered a man in the middle of the road with an AK-47. The guy lived in the middle of the "Y" - fork in the road. He blocked the side to freedom, forcing Ryan to drive down the dead end road. They turned around at the dead end, as they sped past him, the man shot at the vehicle, through the tailgate into the cab of their truck, killing Brandon Hydrick with a bullet to his back.

As parents Rich and I feel guilty for being grateful that our Brandon didn't turn around...he kept going just like Hydrick told him to do. It would be almost 8 hours later that my Brandon would learn from a phone call from a police investigator what happened behind him on that dark country road.

Brandon Hydrick has been a part of our lives and family for 12-13 years. Best friend to all of my children, at  most events..even at the hospital when Evie was born. We all loved him and grieve his loss. Our hearts are broken for his family....our hearts break for my children and nieces that struggle to make sense of this tragedy.

Please say his name in prayer for all who loved him.

Brandon Hydrick.

Bringing Back the Sunday Dinner

I grew up in North Alabama, 5 hours away from my Grandparents (cousins, aunts/uncles). My Mom's parents were Grandmama & Granddaddy and my Dad's parents were Granny & Papa. Each set was vastly different from the other - but still very much the same. Granny & Papa were more lively, they told jokes and laughed a lot. Grandmama & Granddaddy seemed more serious and matter-of-fact. They didn't play with us but it could be because they had 11 children all with a minimum of 4 children each and they were constantly worn out over the largeness of their family.

Once a month or so Daddy  would pile us into the back of our huge-ass wood paneled station wagon or in the covered back of his pickup truck, and we would hit the road South.  The routine was always the same: Drive straight through until we got to Granny's. When we arrived close to midnight Granny would have an Orange Pound Cake and a 7-layer Chocolate Cake sitting on the kitchen table just waiting for us. We'd hit the beds as fast as we could because we knew 7am and breakfast would come too fast - no sleeping in for any of us! Granny would get up at the crack of dawn and start making breakfast, fried eggs, grits, toasts, bacon, ham....(love me some southern breakfast!) which we always ate off of her fine china. After breakfast my Mother would either wash or dry the dishes while the 'girls' (me and Rhonda) got dressed. Then it was off to town to visit Grandmama & Granddaddy while the 'boys' got to stay behind with my Dad and do fun stuff like fish, swing on ropes in the pond, dig in the dirt, ride in Papa's old truck, do 'stuff' with my Dad and Papa. My sister and I drug our feet all the way to the car every Saturday morning because we just knew the boys were going to have more fun that us. Once at Grandmama's house we sat around, waited for a cousin or two to pop over and just...sat around. Sometimes we would get to go downtown on the city square where Granddaddy owned a barber shop (there were no fast food places, department stores...nothing)...tiny town USA. But mostly, we just wandered around the yard looking for something to do until my Dad and Brothers arrived late in the afternoon for a bit of supper, Hee Haw, and many family people to arrive.

Sunday morning we would get up and head to my Grandmama & Granddaddy's church. Granddaddy led singing, my cousin played piano and everyone sang loudly, and some even in key. Once service was over we would all go back to Grandmama's house for "Sunday Dinner" - it took place around 1 o'clock. It was like waking up on Christmas morning and you realize Santa had come in the night and the tree was littered with presents. Except, it would be the dining room table weighted down with some of the most delicious southern Alabama food. Grandmama must have gotten up with the roosters to prepare the massive spread for 50; she would have the food on the table before church and cover it up with a sheet. After church the sheet would come off and all the Angels sangs "Ahhhhhhhhh"! Now, I don't know if she cooked like that every Sunday for the family down there or if it was a treat saved just for our visit (that's what I like to believe, although I know it's not true) - but it made me feel so special!

Ham, fried chicken, chicken and dumplings, dressing, potatoes, black-eyed peas, little green peas (the best in the World), cornbread, fried cornbread, rolls, okra, fresh tomatoes...too much to remember but, Man...I love that food! And don't get me started on the dessert table and sweet tea! I could slip into a food coma just thinking about it right now! There is just something so special and unique about having Sunday Dinner - although Mama didn't throw down a Sunday dinner like Grandmama for us when we were at home, I always looked forward to whatever she made just because it was Sunday and food just tasted better on Sundays!

My Grandparents are gone now, along with my Mom and Dad. How I wish I could have just one more Sunday dinner with them all again! I wish my children and grandchildren could experience the gift of one of those Sunday dinners that I was given.

Last Sunday I threw down some southern Alabama cooking - Fried chicken, peas, fried cornbread, sweet potatoes...well, it was a semi throwdown. But it was yummy! Yummy! It was then that I realized that it was up to me to bring back the tradition of Sunday dinner! And not just any kind of food..but to resurrect the joy of that food spread under the sheet on Grandmama's table. So I have a challenge ahead of me!

I'm bringing back Sunday Dinner ya'll!

Dear You!

My feelings are truly hurt by your action...or inaction.

That is all.

Peace.

Ouchy!

I am one of THOSE people..clumsy, accident pron..the one of who Murphy's Law was based one. If it's going to happen to ANYONE - it will happen to Me!!

I have always been that way - sometimes I feel like a wanna-be hypochondriac except this stuff actually does happen. Tripping up the stairs, falling off the sidewalk, paper cut in the weirdest and most painful area, gym injury, stumble over my own feet... you get the idea.

I just spent 2 1/2 months in physical therapy from a knee injury I got at the gym. I was so ready to get back to working out and working off the 8 pounds I gained since March when I stopped going due to the pain. Then that S.O.B. Murphy came around!

So here I was three weeks ago...minding my own business (or someone else's), walking down my neighbor's sidewalk - it was dark, I was talking and walking (a bad combination for me) - the wine had nothing to do with it, I swear - when BAM! I stubbed my pinky toes right into a decorative, yet huge rock. I knew in that painful moment that I had broken that piggy!

For three weeks I have sported flip-flop sandals to work (very attractive in the professional environment) because I can't put my foot into a regular show. A week ago I shoved it in a work boot to help do some landscaping at our rental property (wanna buy a house???), then Murphy shows his sorry butt up AGAIN.

Knee injury A.G.A.I.N. Same knee, different side. I bummed and babied it then hit the gym yesterday (broken toes and all). I was determined to get this weight off come hell or high water. I noticed a tiny bit of swelling at my ankle before I went to bed - woke up with  my leg and foot swollen 1/2 size and I couldn't take a step without unbearable pain.

Here I am on the couch...missing work...ice/heat every 20 minutes and waiting for yet another doctor appointment to have my knee checked out - and my toe.

Ugh!!!

Peace!

That is All....

I can't say that the 2 "self-counseling" posts made me feel better - but I guess I actually do. They led to me being able to just start letting emotions go. It also led to some honest conversations with Rich and listening to him as we tried to work through my state of mind together. He essentially told me - in no uncertain terms - that I was looking for someone to blame...that's the only way I could try to make sense out of the chaos I was in. He's right. (Yes Pook...I said it). Because nothing made sense to me anymore I needed to try and pinpoint where the feelings came from and blame someone...anyone...

I blamed God for taking my folks at the same time Rich was deploying. Hell, I blamed Him for taking BOTH at the same time. I blamed Rich for leaving when I needed him the most - you know because soldiers have a choice in whether or not to deploy (insert sarcasm and eye-roll). I blamed my family for being so broken they could barely breath on their own, for not helping to put me back together. When in truth, I should have been strong enough to carry all of us. (I'm so sorry Family - to all of you for failing you!). I blamed my friends for having their own lives to live - their own families to tend to - their own perfect family. I blamed my co-workers for being so un-compassionate" - well, I will always blame them and resent them for that!


In reality, I have come to realize, that there is no blame to lay. Life happens the way it's intended and sometimes it suck harder than others. Good happens...bad happens. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry at God sometimes (or often)! It's okay to miss my parents with every fiber of my being...which is a good thing because I do. I will always want them back..always want them here.


So, am I over it? Never ever ever! But, I'm okay.

Peace

Self Counseling #2 (Anger & Bitterness)

My feelings of abandoment turned to bitterness, anger, and resentment over the course of 2010.

I felt horribly angry at my Parents...for dying. Well, more so for my Mother because she wasn't the sick one..she wasn't supposed to up and die out of the blue. I know her love for my Dad was stronger than her love for me, but couldn't she have just stayed?

As a Christian I fought (and still fight) a huge resentment towards God. He stripped me bare where I had nothing left to lean on. I found it cruel to expect me to lean on Him when he was the One that did 'this'. He didn't have to take both parents..he could have left me one..He knew my husband was leaving... All of the 'healing' and comforting scriptures felt like mockary to my ears, the songs of praise I used to sing...just words that I no longer recognized or could form on my lips.

I was bitter towards my uncaring co-workers who were so...non-nonchalant about what I was going through. Going to work and looking at them just pissed me off every single day. How dare they not come to my parents funeral, or send a card, or an effing plant. How dare they avoid me because they don't know what to say?

I became resentful of my best friend for not being there even though I knew she couldn't help it. I would watch life and living go on as I stood at my windows looking out, and wonder how in hell does that happen? Weren't we supposed to be best friends? To be there through thick and thin? Well, I was pretty thin and I needed her. I began to question our friendship and pull back.

I wanted to stand in my front yard and scream.....Didn't anyone know that I was encased in a self-imposed cage...that I didn't know how to open the doors to get out? The bars were too heavy to move on my own - there was no one to help me.

After a while I became bitter-strong...."to hell with 'them' - I don't need anyone to help me. I won't dare intrude on God, or my friend, my family or my co-workers. They are all obviously too busy!" I pulled myself further into my darkness, which only intensified my frustration - such a bitter cycle I was in.

When deployment ended I thought all of the anger would end with it; it didn't. It may have decreased in it's intensity, but it didn't fade away like I had hoped. I held on to the feeling that I had been robbed of a year of my life! I had been unjustly punished for some unknown reason and it was so unfair!

Today, I'm not nearly as angry, resentful or bitter though the taste still lingers on my lips. I still can not find my way back to my faith and I am working on my realtionship with my friend. The innocence of trust I used to have for God, friends, family, myself...it's still weak. The only one I can trust to be there/here for me is me.

Peace.

(I have turned off comments..I just need to be able to get 'this' out there in order to find a way to deal with it. Personal comments can be emailed to me)

Self Counseling #1 - Abandonment

I'm not even sure where to start other than one word at a time. It's no secret to anyone that 2010 was a difficult year to endure. It started with 2 very traumatic events - the death and burial of both of my parents together and my husband's deployment. Four days after standing in the bitter cold morning of January watching my parents' caskets being slid into their burial site, I stood in the bitter snow at the armory and kissed my husband off to 4 1/2 months of pre-deployment training (he came home for a week before deploying for a year). The grief and trauma of losing my parents was so great - then Rich left and I fell deeper into the black hole. It's this hole that I still struggle to come out of 2 1/2 years later.

I became sad and lonely during that year with no one here to lean on. My siblings and children were just as broken and traumatized that we couldn't even lean on each other. My best friend, next door, was consumed with her life: home, children, work, going back to school and studying in any free time. My co-workers were indifferent. As a NG family member, our unit is small and in different geographical locations - I couldn't turn to the FRG...I WAS the FRG leader. I wanted to be held while I cried. I wanted desperately to talk and scream through my pain to someone...anyone. I wanted to lean on my parents, my husband, my family, my friend; there were no shoulders, no arms, no ears to hear me. I was alone.

I was able to turn to my blog and blog friends; without that venue I just don't think I could have held on to the lip of that black hole for as long as I did (thank you).

After the shock of death and deployment began to wear off and my new reality began to take root, I felt abandoned and left to drift alone without any direction at all. I was a child abandoned by her parents, a Christian abandoned by her God, a wife abandoned by her husband, a friend abandoned by her closet friend and a family member abandoned by her family in a way. Nothing felt RIGHT, nothing felt familiar..nothing felt normal. I no longer belonged in my life. The sense of loss and abandonment from my parents, God, Rich, my best friend, even my family was so great. It didn't matter that it couldn't be helped...by anyone, the effects lingered and grew in to something more that I could shake most days.

I struggled to rationalize the unrational. Today I struggle with a sense of insecurity and fear that I never experienced before, that stems from that abandonment feeling. When I let my mind take me back to those long days and that long year, my heart races and my mind becomes hazy - the anxiety just grips my throat.


The feelings of abandonment led to resentment, anger, bitterness.


Peace.

(I have turned off comments..I just need to be able to get 'this' out there in order to find a way to deal with it. Personal comments can be emailed to me)

Back to What I Know..

I woke about 4:45 this morning and began to blog in my head. "Writing" word for word what I wanted to say and what I hoped to convey to myself. 3 hours later I wish I would've gotten up and put my words to blog. Now my thoughts are so jumbled and I'm not sure where to start...I just know that I have got to turn back to the one place where I can get my real thoughts/feelings/fears/anger out of my head..and that is here to my 'safe zone"...my blog

Several weeks ago my husband and I were sitting along the ocean shore, feet in the sand, just listening to the waves and the wind. It was so beautiful and peaceful, but inside I was a hot mess and have been for such a long time. I broke the silence and told my husband that when we returned home I was going to seek counseling to find ways to deal with the unresolved feelings (grief, sadness, anger, emptiness,..) that resulted from my parents' death followed by his deployment four days later (4.5 months away for pre-D training then deployment). I thought once he returned 1.5 years ago that I would automatically feel complete and healed from the trauma of both events, but in all honesty with myself and him, I'm not.

I have found ways to suck it up and keep going, I've found times of happiness and joy, and I've found ways to stuff the residual after-effects further inside my heart and head. There are days I can actually feel myself being pulled back to those empty days of deployment - when I was without my parents, my husband, my best friend that lives next door; my children and siblings so broken and traumatized too that we couldn't even be there to hold each other up....the sorrow and bitterness just lingers and stands in my way of finding solace and peace. I am no longer strong enough to head those times off on my own because I haven't 'dealt" with them.

After our Florida trip I check at my new job to see if we offered an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) - aka..counseling... we do not. I'm not affiliated with a church so I don't have a clergyman to turn too - then again, some of my anger is directed at God, not sure it's wise to turn to a minister.

The only place I feel like I'm left to turn to is my blog.

So, blog-counseling begins....

Peace

You've Got Linked(In)

I've been on LinkedIn for a while now to get networked and plugged in with other HR professionals. The other day I opened up LinkedIn and got an invitation to 'join my network" from a woman from my long ago past!

Let me digress and fill in the story.... Long ago my parents were foster parents. Countless young faces came in and out of our home, some staying longer than others and always with a horrible scar of abuse, neglect and/or abandonment. As a kid (junior high school-age), when my parents started keeping foster children, it was sometime difficult to share your parents, living space (there wasn't much), bedroom, siblings, and the only teeny tiny bathroom that we had. We were already a family of 6 (parents and 4 kids ages 12-16...then added two teenage boys (my parents adopted two foster children)...yet there was always room made for 1, 2, 3, or more. We lived in a 1200-1300 sq ft home, 3 bedrooms, one room roughly converted to a 4th, and 1 bathroom. Compassion wore thin as the tension of the walls sometimes busted at the seams.


There was this one girl. Same age as my sister and me (14). Not only did we have to share our bedroom, things and sometimes friends with her in order to make her feel "at home", we had to share our brothers and parents. While we knew the reason she was with us it just didn't soften the blow of teenage girl drama. Honestly, I don't even remember how long she was with us. Three girls in a small bedroom were just 1 too many! We did the best we could under the situation until one morning before school. She stole my hair clips and that was the last straw! There was a confrontation, a tussle that ensued and a hole in the closet door . Needless to say, she left that day and we never gave her another thought. Yes, callous, we were..but we were teenage girls.


Three days ago I received a LinkedIn invite from this girl - now woman - after 32 years! After the surprise sank in I responded to her request.  She wrote back:

"....i have thought about you all many times thru the years but apparently waited to long to thank your parents...i am very sorry for your loss of the parents....i wish i could of told them especialy your mother of the impact she had in my very young years at that time in life..."


While I found the whole foster care experience an intrusion on my life at the time, I wish that I had stopped to understand the impact it had (good or bad) on those that were there because they couldn't defend or protect themselves from someone/some ones.


We have since swapped messages and I am pleased to say that she wasn't badly scarred by her experience with me and Rhonda that last day. She went on to lead a very happy and blessed life. 


Peace

29 years

29 years ago I gave birth to tiny beautiful son. There wasn't the neonatal care and technology available like there is today to keep him from being born - Johnathan was born 2 1/2 months ahead of schedule. 2.7 pounds. He fought hard to live before he died about 14 hours later.

For 29 years I've wondered who he would have become, what would he have looked like..many questions without answers.

I had a dream once a long time ago. In it I was sitting against a white wall..crying from grief of missing out on a son I didn't get a chance to know. I was grieving. As I sat crying a young man sat next to me and placed his hand on mine. I leaned over and lay my head in his lap and cried..and cried. In my dream and heart I knew it was Johnathan.

29 years is not near long enough to get over the loss of a child..not long enough to stop grieiving the loss of a child...

The blessing (is there is one) in the life & death of my son is that it led me to have two more amazing children who have grown into amazing adults. Without having gotten pregnant so young with Johnathan, I would not have gotten married and had Josh and Kelley before I had to have a full hysterectomy at 25. His birth set into motion so many things and plans for my life that I never imagined.Z

Stealing Away...

The past few years, months, weeks, days have been both hectic and stressful for Rich & I. We paddle as fast as we can most days and it seems like we find ourselves running the same circle in a tiny baby pool - we just can't seem to break through those plastic walls and into a larger body of water. Like ducks, we let a lot of things roll off of us and just 'go with it'....what is the alternative? But underneath, we are drowning in 'stuff' .....  and responsibilities .....and more stuff.

We..need..out!!!!

This afternoon, after work, we are taking off ~ just the two of us ~ no real agenda. We are throwing caution and responsibility to the wind and getting the hell out of Dodge...errrr, Toney. We can't seem to "make" time, "take" time...so we are just gonna steal it! Like thieves in the night..we are hitting the highway Southbound and won't stop until our feet hit sand. Well, first we will stop and visit my Aunt and do a little cornbread 101 training..then beach! But the end result is that we are leaving behind our stress, our  'to do' lists, our responsibilities.

No more baby pool for us ~ not for the next 3 1/2 days! We will be paddling the Ocean!

Peace!

No compassion today..

I have a friend, Joe, who is still fighting for his life following a horrible motorcycle accident. His wife, Dana, flew from deployment in Afghanistan to be by his side 4 four weeks ago...every...single..day. He continuous to fight..they continue to fight.

I have a friend, Michelle. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer. She begins Chemo and her fight to live next week. She is familiar with the ends and outs of cancer treatments and hospitals; as her daughter (now 15) fought and won a battle with cancer when she was 11.

I have a friend, Angela, who last night attempted suicide for the second time that I know of since I've known her. She has a beautiful daughter and a husband who love her. Yet she has always had the self-worth (self-imposed) of a door knob. She is always surrounded by positive affirmations from her friends and family...but it never seems to be enough. As I watched the ambulance take her away from her home last night, and I contacted her husband at his work..talked to his boss.. I struggled with  compassion ..while so many people fight to live, she fights to die. It's a selfish act...one that I have honestly fought against several times in my life..even as recent as when my parents died and my husband deployed...I was 'alone' and so deep in depression. But then I realized that my life was not about ME..it was about those that I love and who love me back; only then did I continue to wake up and put one foot in front of the other until it was time to go back to bed. I hope my friend can do the same thing and get the help she needs to continue her life journey.

Peace

Til Death Did They Part

Yesterday was...would have been...my parent's 53rd wedding anniversary. They exchanged vows to love each other through sickness and in health...until death do them part. Mom and Dad met when they were 15 & 17 and married at 16 & 18 (one day after my Dad's high school graduation).

They were married for 50 years before they died at the age of 67 and 68 ~ 2 1/2 yrs ago. It seems like forever ago..and it feels like just yesterday that Mom died and Dad followed her 2 days later..

I didn't post on FB about their anniversary..or even say anything to anyone. I began to "tell" them 'Happy Anniversary' as I started my day yesterday..but then I stopped....I remembered the vows of marriage..."Til Death Do Us Part".  I stopped mid-words... Death parted them (Mom first, followed by Dad 2 days later)... does that mean that their marriage was over as Mom drew her last breath? Are they no longer together? Or married? Or in love with each other? Do they even know each other in the next phase of eternal life? If vows hold true..then their marriage and devotion ended at death, right?

I don't know what to believe. In my grief-laden heart and mind I picture them sitting in Heaven, holding hands, making out like they always did in the kitchen..

What's real?

Refelctions on a Sunday Morning

As I sit here on the back deck, coffee by my side and my husband across the table from me tinkering with his weed eater (he's googling what could be wrong with it), I realize that my mind is so clogged with thoughts right now. So a-blogging I will go...

It's been a very rough week for my friend Dana, whose husband was injured in a motorcycle wreck. I greeted her plane on Wednesday and took her straight to the hospital to be by her husband's side. All of the last few weeks of turmoils were all washed away once she held his hand and kissed his lips. Nothing mattered but to be with him and help him to fight to return to her. As of today, one week since his accident, he is still in a coma. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing when witnessed by true love!

I bought a dress for the Dining Out next Saturday night. It needs a slight alteration but it is perfect otherwise! This is my first 'formal' - I never even went to prom - so I was nervous about what to wear. Rich went with me and we flipped through so many dresses at the mall (Belk and Dillard)..most were too young and I was growing frustrated. I finally went up to an employee and asked where the dresses for ADULT women were. After trying on 8 I finally picked the one! Pictures to follow later!

Rich and I have two days of NO plans whatsoever! We finished up all of our chores yesterday and now...... here we are! Having nothing to do sounds great but we will grow bored really quickly!

That's my ramble for the moment.

Peace

Dear Susie

I wish you truly knew how much I miss you..us...our closeness. Your life has been changing so much over the past few years - I guess mine too, although it feels like it hasn't - that we've found ourselves so far apart. Is it just me or do you feel it to? There's never a time when I didn't know we were friends, Susie ~ even when I really, really needed a friend and you weren't able to be there for me. Most of the time you were so busy and consumed with all that your life threw at you that you didn't even know that I needed you. I felt guilty about bothering you so I learned to adapt and just keep going.

I don't even know if you read by blog anymore, Susie. But, if you do..know that I miss us!

Peace

What a way to spend a beautiful Saturday!

It's a gorgeous start to a long 3-day weekend! Backyard barbecues, picnicking,camping, boating, hanging out under the stars with people you love and enjoy, drinking a few too many or just a big cold glass of lemonade! Ahhhh...that's what a long summer weekend is all about!!

Unfortunately, that is not my weekend! Nope! Na-da!

We are up and at 'em around the Richardson Boarding house (that's just what we call our house)! Rich has hit the garage to work on our son's truck while I am typing this post out before tackling a week's worth of laundry and 2 weeks of a dusty, dirty house! Then when that fun is over we have other mind-blowing things awaiting...like...yard work,  pressure washing the houses...that kind of fun!!

We haven't been invited to an barbecues (which is totally normal for us), there are no plan whatsoever! My hope is that we can knock out everything today and have 2 days of just chilling. Oh, Rich will run a 10k Monday morning - someone will be packing mimosa in a thermos!!

A big, fun, safe weekend to you all!

Peace!

UPDATE #1: Bleeeccck....I think I just pulled a small cat out of my tub drain with tweezers. And I don't have a cat! (Shiver...shiver)

Friendly Relations

Since this is my blog and I use it to get the voices and words out of my head...I will!

I find myself in a 'friend' funk. I have a couple of friends..even close friends (female) that I have things in common with and can talk to about different things. I can talk to "Jane" about this part of my life, and "Mary" about that another part, then there's "Betty" that I feel comfortable sharing different things with. None of them get the whole picture of 'friendship" with me....only bits and pieces according to the situation. What I miss is the ONE friends I can share everything with (other than my very patient, very tolerate husband). A confidant who I can laugh and chat with over lunch in some funky bistro or on the front porch (if I had one) with a bottle of wine.

"Susie" has been my closest friend for a long time, then we started drifting apart a few years ago due to our various life demands. Now there is a awkwardness between us that I'm not sure how we can recover from.  It's no ones fault that our connection became frayed - work, kids, life, commitments - it just happened and here we are.

Wherever "here" is.

 It makes me sad..it really does.

Peace!

What Would You Do? What Would I Do?

A few weeks ago a very, very dear friend of mine who has been deployed for 6 months (her second) - received a "Dear Jane" from her husband.  Out of the blue..without warning. A husband who retired from the military last fall- twice deployed - who knows what it's like to be away from your support system in a god-forsaken country. She was in total shock, my husband and I were in total shock - didn't see it coming. He had openly professed his undying love and commitment (fidelity) to her all along; only to end it once her deployment money paid off their bills. In what seemed like a flash the man she trusted and loved didn't want or love her anymore. The grief processes has been horrendous for her because she is thousands of mile away, in a war zone, and doesn't understand what has happened. Fast forward 3 weeks... he now lies in a hospital bed. Taken down by too much booze and an ill-fated motorcycle ride. She is in flight back home ...unsure what she's actually walking in to. A girlfriend? Mutual friends who had 'his' back with partying and potential unfaithfulness? A husband who said he didn't love her anymore or wanted a divorce. The woman he didn't want will be the one to nurse him back to health - how's that for irony..or is that Karma?

She doesn't know what she will do when she gets home...to the hospital...to him. Part of her wants to run to him and be grateful he is alive and will recover. Part of her wants to walk away and salvage what little self-respect remains from his stripping down.

What would you do?

What would I do? That's a tough question to answer. We all believe it won't happen to us. She believed the same thing. But what would I do? My head would want to say good ridence and a big "f-u"...my heart that still loved him and would want to nurse and comfort him..my head would never forget...my heart wouldn't forgive. Maybe he wakes from his medical-induced coma and has a change of heart and begs forgiveness and another chance - maybe he wakes and doesn't remember he didn't love her - maybe he wakes and remembers everything and nothing has changed.

Whatever happens will happen. She's been stripped of her 'friends' that she left, the love of her life and her self-worth. Since I've never been part of her "other" friend-circle (the ones in the 'know" about what was going on), I'm still standing by her side! Her new circle is smaller but stronger....we will get her through this time somehow.

Peace

A blog a day...well, not exactly

No, I'm not going to do a blog a day. I barely plunk one out once a month now. Why is that? Hmmm. Truthfully, I've had nothing much to blog about - well, okay...that was a lie. I usually have things I WANT to blog about but by the time I sit down to do it, the moment of the situation has passed. SO I do what all (some) bloggers do - I read and run. I am guilty as charged!

Today I am sitting in a hotel near Eglin AFB - a business trip to meet some of our employees that work on the base. I left my handsome husband to miss me, take a PT test this morning and to golf with his unit. I'll leave here this afternoon and make the 6 1/2 hour road trip home and then, as FRG Chair, pull off Family Day tomorrow for our soldiers and families. Yes folks...I am all that and a box of Dove chocolates!  ;o)

Speaking of FRG, our Commander is retiring and we have a CoC in a few weeks. I thought...what a great time to resign as FRG leader and transition out. So I meet with both Colonels yesterday morning before leaving for my business trip to discuss my transition. Um...yeah. I walked out of that meeting retaining my title and swearing a blood oath never to try ditching the FRG again (ok...that part wasn't true- the blood oath, I mean).

Well, peeps. That's all you get for this round! I'm off to hunt down a beach and water just so I don't have to go back home and say I never saw it! Big love, hugs and sandy butts to you on this gorgeous Saturday!!

Peace!

14 years...

Fifteen years ago today I walked into a local business for a meeting...and into my future. It took me a little bit to believe that fate was real and that I had just found the man I will spend my life with. But, here we are today..celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary. It has been the best 12 years of my life! There were 2 of the 14 years where people tried to break us and destroy the family we built together - we survived and have gone on to be stronger and more in love.

Happy Anniversary Babe!! I love you endlessly and completely!

It's My Birthday..

And I'll cry if I want to!

I seem to be doing a lot of that lately! It's not from the dread or fear of being 46 (good grief, did I just write that?), or anything to do with any thing. I've just been a bundle of emotions on the inside for a while and I can't really lay the blame or put the finger on any particular thing. I can bitch about my body, my nails, my hair or even my aches & pains..but there's something much deeper - in the depths of my soul - that hurts.

Yes, it's 'grief'-related again. Roll your eyes, plug your ears or just stop reading ~ I don't care. I have searched a great deal lately for just the right words to describe how I feel. I have obsessed over it because the grief has taken me so far under that I'm afraid I can't come out this time. Finally, yesterday on my way home I came to understand what "it" is and it's difficult to swallow.

So...here is what I've realised: I lived 43 years knowing that 2 of the most wonderful people in the whole world LOVED me, unconditionally - whether I was right or wrong. They were excited about me before my birth and they never ever made me not feel loved. I thrived on knowing they LOVED me..with every part of their hearts..in the special way that only a parent can love a child (as I do my own children). In an instant the Love was gone ~ they are gone. Poof! It's bigger than not being any ones daughter/child any more, despite my age...it's that I am no longer loved like they loved me. All of a sudden, my parents don't Love me anymore. They don't love me anymore. That my friends and family is the bulls-eye of my grief..my sadness..and my self-esteem.

I am hoping that by putting these words to paper I will be able to accept them and release myself so that I can truly learn to live and enjoy my life.


Peace!

Feeling it..or not

When I can't seem to find the words to verbalize what I feel inside, I turn to my blog.

Today is one of those day - I just feel...well, sad, angry, small. I'm angry with myself for gaining back almost all of the 15 pounds I worked hard to lose and keep it off for almost 2 years. I've done it to myself, I could have said no to eating out lunch every single day instead of packing something healthy, I could've said no to just one more glass of wine or beer most nights (or no altogether), and I could've said no to the new Sprite train I've been on for a while. Even though I work out usually 4 times a week, I blow all the hard work within a few hours.

My hair is a freaking nightmare~  stuck between being straight and curly, between blondish, dull dark blonde and gray. I got my nails done Saturday and they look like red chicklets have been glued to my nailbeds. I am a fucking mess! So here I am today...fat, bloated, tight pants and ugly. And to top off this pity party - my 46th birthday is coming up!

I'm sad because I am not more than I am...more than I should be. I'm sad because I just am. It's hard to swallow, even after 2 1/2 years, that my folks aren't here to celebrate my birthday with me (or any thing else). Do you know what it's like to not be anyone's daughter/child any more? It's pretty damn lonely! The bandaid was just ripped off of my security and I still can't stop the bleeding. I'm angry about being gipped out of parents. No, they aren't watching me from heaven and celebrating with me..that is just fucking bullshit and it pisses me off to hear it. They aren't anywhere but dead.

I've been fighting a ligament issue in my leg for several months. I'm pissed at myself for finally reaching our to my step-son (a PTA) for help - but in true fashion, he blew me off. I'm mad with only myself for even going there, when I should have just googled rehab options myself or just gone to a real physical therapist. So I've wasted about 2 weeks of recovery and I'm sick to death of the pain and discomfort (and not being able to do a meaningful lower body workout at the gym). See..I'm such a loser.

I'm frustrated with myself for being sad and angry. I'm frustrated with myself for feeling so insecure about myself that I let it control me. I'm frustrated with myself for everything about Me! Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's my birthday looming, maybe it's just because it's Monday, April 30th, but I'm not feeling it today and yet I am feeling everything all at once.

Peace.

Fiddle-de-dee

Rich is on business travel right now:

Me: "So...I'm not sure how this happened but I realized this morning that I am 4th on the list now. Yesterday the dogs barely ate and almost sniffed at their treats because YOU weren't there to give it to them. I don't even think they slept in the bedroom with me last night because you weren't there"

Rich: "I'm sure they did"

Me: "No, when I got up they were both moping on the couch. And when when I went to feed them breakfast they didn't budge. I even pulled out their treats and had to coax them off the couch to come and get it...then they drug their dog paws walking the 15 feet to me."

Rich: "It's because you did everything first and then gave them a treat. They are used to getting their treat first thing"

Me: "Ummmm...no. It's because you weren't there. How did I become 4th fiddle? I had accepted 3rd fiddle but now I have to suck-up 4th!"

There is a hierarchy in my family..maybe not an OFFICIAL one, but a hierarchy just the same. It goes something like this:

My Husband is in the lead position; followed by the following -

1. Kelley (our daughter)
2. Jake (our his dog)
3. Annie (Kelley's dog)
4. ME
5. Everything else

There was a time, albeit brief, that I was #1. It was a sweet, sweet moment. But then his little girl edged me out of my place and I humbly took the #2 fiddle seat. She was cute, big blue eyes and thought he hung the moon - still does! They can sit and talk for ever on the phone, I get a short "hey, how are you" conversation - or {ring, ring} "Hey Mom, can I talk to Dad?" Yep, I became #2 fiddle.

Then Jake the dog came running into our lives on his cute puppy feet. That tricky canine edged his way from the back yard, into the house, and into the #2 fiddle. He and Rich have a bond that not even deployment couldn't break. Jake was depressed, barely ate, moped around the whole stinking year no matter what I did to cheer him up. Then Rich came home and life went on.

Then Annie came along. Annie belongs to Kelley & her husband. Annie is also Jake's main squeeze. Once I settled into my #3 fiddle I realized recently that I had been moved to #4. I'm not even sure how or when that actually happened. But Annie, with her big-girl hips, doe-eyes and exciting personality trampled me on the stairs and took my spot!

When Rich gets home everyday the dogs just about hyperventilate when they sense him turning on the road leading to our home (about .70 miles away). They begin running in circles, high-fiving each other and doing flips! It's an amazing site...really. If we arrive home together I have to open the door quickly and get the hell out of the way or else get trampled by 110 lbs of collective dog-bodies in their bolt to get to Rich. Then they barrel-roll me going up the stairs to beat Rich to the top so they can start all over again with their happy dancing.

When I come home..I only hear crickets and the hum of the fridge. No greeting, no happy dog lovin'.

Rich: "Honey, you are still 2nd fiddle"

Me: "2nd fiddle? Who's 1st?? No, wait, I don't even want to know"

Peace

FR (OM) G...

F.R.G.

Yes, you read that right. Some people love them..some people hate them...some people wouldn't get involved is a large sum of money, fame and leave was riding on it! Being an FRG in a National Guard unit is definitely trying. I am the FRG President for my husband's Brigade & Units - albeit small (30 soldiers) - it's still pretty tough to get others involved. Unlike other units/brigades, our Soldier body is made up of E-5 and above only; so many of the spouses have done the FRG-thing for many years and have been bitten in the ass by a bad experience. Some spouses have already been there and done that and have no interest whatsoever in getting involved. Then there are a select few that do not support their spouse's military career at all and simply refuse to acknowledge it exist (he/she joined - not me). For me though, I wanted to get involved - just for the pure truth that our FRG leader sucked majorly and my husband was getting ready to deploy. She was ousted and I assumed the leadership role - selecting a couple of fantastic friends to help me pull this while thing off. Two year later...we are still hanging in there but getting tired and weary.

An FRG in a NG unit is a different (I think) from active Army. I could be wrong...I admit I could be wrong - so don't jump down my throat)..but we get together a couple of times throughout the year for events, pull together through deployment (again, we are a different brigade/MOS/unit - our soldiers deploy in small elite groups of 4), and I send out information I feel could be interesting. If it's something my husband would want or need to know - I send it out, otherwise I don't send out random shit that no one cares about. Usually I'm just emailing the soldier because their spouse doesn't want to be contacted and will not provide a contact email to the FRG. Sad...it really is.

So...why am I writing about FRG tonight...right now? Well, we have a fundraiser tomorrow at the armory (FRG Yard Sale), we've gotten lots of donations from out unit families but it's impossible to get anyone - other than my trusted leadership team (Secretary and Treasurer) to join the fun to help pull this off. Sometimes it really does take an Army to make something successful. We are burned out..done...and looking forward to this being our last fundraiser as part of the FRG leadership. We have a CoC in June and it will be the perfect time to pass the baton off to others. The sad thing is that there are no others stepping up to hand off to.

Right now, I am tired and cranky from spending most of my day with my Treasurer getting the Armory hall ready for the doors to open at 0700. I was embarrassed and honored that our Commander and FRG Liaison helped us set up for the last hour! They truly ROCK!

With a little luck we will make enough to pay for Family Day next month (you can bet your ass most all families will be there)...it would just be nice to have them help us earn the money.

Peace

What's up?

It's been too long since I've blogged. In case you were all wondering is I won the bog Lottery and kissed life as I know it good-bye...fear not...the $14 we won wouldn't even buy us 1/2 a tank of gas! So ~ life goes on and I seriously wouldn't have it any other way!

So much has happened lately and then again, not much at all. There are so many times throughout the day when I think "I should totally blog about this" but when I finally sit down to blog the moment and memory have passed and it seems pointless. It'd be awesome to be able to blog at just that right moment but I have an old school cell phone that doesn't quite lend me an opportunity to blog from it.

I've been riding the funk bus for about a week; although I think I'm coming out of it. It's be awesome to be able to say "this is what's wrong" but to be honest...sometimes there just doesn't seem to be a reason. Sadness/grief maybe? ummm...yeah. I don't think it's ever going to get better ~ but I can't lay the blame there. Stress at work? No, I hit the motherload with my new busy..busy..job and I can't be more happy there. Me and Rich? Nope, no cupie-doll for you! We are still rolling pretty tight. I have everything imaginable to make life happy (except my Mom and Dad)..but there just seems to be this sadness lingering underneath my heart. It literally keeps my mind running amok at night and I just cannot get restorative sleep. So...this train has been rolling around funky-town and I am so ready to get the hell off in another town!

Don't fret peeps...I'll be back soon with a blog that will knock your socks off!

Peace!

20 Minutes until Life Changes...

Well...for someone or some ones in the US. The Mega..mega..$640 gazillion lottery numbers will be revealed in 20 minutes. The odds are good but the odds are against you..me...us that I, you, we, will win  a mere few more jingles in our pocket. Honey spent about $80 bucks on tickets yesterday - but hey, someone has to win - why not us? Or You!

What would we do with a little more money in the bank? Would we be happier? I think not...I'm pretty stinking happy with my life right. I have healthy children and grandchildren. A husband that I adore and love with everything I am, regular 'intimate relations (yes, I went there), a career that is so much more than just a job, that I love, a comfortable home and family that I love.

It won't bring my paren't back so there is nothing money can buy that could fix that. Would it get us out of debt? Well, we really don't have much to worry about. Would we quit our jobs? Rich would in a New York minute..me, not so much. I love my job and I love working. Would we help our family out? Our kids...yes..our family...Yes - those that already help themselves. The ones that don't - no.   Would we donate money - I would to the American Heart Association and our local volunteer fire department who would put my house out of if it caught fire.

What would we buy? A new deck, a new bedroom suite, a really good camera. I can't think of anything else I would buy. Isn't that crazy? A bigger house? Hell no...my house is big enough...nice enough. an just enough. A new car? I love my car. A big boat? An island? I think I would rather renovate my Dad's boat and run it up and down the Tennessee River.

So..10 minutes now until some one's life changes. Whether we win a $1 or $640 million...my life changes every second., I love it more with each one that passes.

Good luck to you! To me! Be blessed regardless!

Peace!

Like a Thief in the Night

Rich and I went to bed last night laughing at the silliness that is our life..our relationship. We were playful as two little kids despite the graying hair and wrinkles. As he closed his eyes I watched the veil of sleep take him under. Soon his face relaxed and his breathing slowed to a steady rhythm. I lay there looking at this man who is my husband - I let a haughty thought cross through my mind like a whisper - how luck am I to be so in love with this wonderful man?

As I rolled my way and closed my eyes, my mind's eye envisioned my Dad and how he fell completely to pieces as he held my mother's lifeless body and begged God not to take her away. He died at that very moment; it took his body 2 days to release his soul. I could see myself doing the same thing if faced to walk this earth without Rich. I would beg, I would barter, I would be undone. The grief rose up in me before I could push it away. I felt the clutch of sorrow - of remembrance - of fear - as it took my throat and squeezed.

It has been a while since I allowed my heart to open enough to grieve and to feel the sting of death as fresh as it was the day we stood in the bitter cold January sun watching their bodies be placed into their final resting place. I cried there in the darkness as the heaviness of sadness rose up and sat on my chest.

Today I wonder how it is that I could love my husband so much, that to witness the ultimate love and sacrifice that my parents lived and died together for, could bring such sorrow?

Peace

5 Minutes to Blog

I'm such a slacker! I know...you don't have to nod your heads in agreement! I have about 5 minutes to throw my words out while at the same time eating breakfast (1 farm fresh egg - thanks to BETH and grits..I'm a Southern girl....don't judge!). So strap on your harness and hang tight...this will go fast.......

Job: Love, love, love it!! I am busier than a one-armed paper hanger (I don't mean to offend any one-armed paper hangers out there)~ after my first week of drinking out of a fire hydrant, terminating someone and calling my boss a 'ho' in a misspelled text (um yes, I did), I have really found my groove with my co-workers and work load. I feel like I have been there for ever!

Home: Oh my WORD..we have been in a massive whirlwind with a flooring company that we hired to  replace all of our flooring. We endured having to gut the house so they would have a clean slate..living out of boxes and amid dust. The hardwoods and carpet went in just fine - only to find out that our upgraded carpet had been replaced by a lower grade! THEN the guy doing our custom tiling in the master bathroom would work a few minutes a day - after 3 weeks we had enough and fired the company..but not before realizing the tile he was installing was a way cheaper grade than what we paid for! Coinkidink...I think not! The company sent another tiler in yesterday - they actually got all of the tile up but not grouted. Four weeks in...trust me when I say that this was not a HUGE bathroom! Rich will do the grout himself..none of us can take any more time off (Rich mostly) to babysit contractors! Come to find out that this flooring company isn't the reputable place we were led to believe! We still owe about $2k,,,don't think that's gonna happen!

Pollen: My, my, it's every where!!!!!!

Dreams: I've been having some strange dreams about my mother lately. Two nights ago I dreamed that I got a text from "Private number - Mom". I was confused about how she could be texting me? I don't remember what the text said...I wish I did. But I opened my phone and called her name..I heard her voice and static. She spoke a few things and then faded out. Last night's dream was just as strange. I miss her so much :o(

Husband: He is so freaking awesome! This morning I came our of the shower - ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE WE CAN"T USE OUR BATHROOM YET - and Rich was standing in the bedroom butt naked. I said "You are just walking around as naked and can be", He said: "yep, took us 15 years to get to this point"! Love him!!

Okay peeps..that's all I got for now..gotta shoot out of here and head to work!

Peace!

Voting...Smoting..

So...today was the Republican primary election day in Alabama.

Yes, I am voting Republican; although I'm not warm on any candidate at all. It's a matter of picking the lesser of all evils.

Honey and I arrived at the polling place to throw in our votes.

Could they possibly make the voting ballots any more confusing? I think not!

After voting for the Presidential candidate of our choice..there were a gazillion other offices : District 1, District 2...judges...commissioners...best dressed..(okay - that wasn't really one there).  I walked out shaking our heads because each presidential candidate had their own list of delegates.

How did I vote for the 'other' folks seeking office? I had two methods of selection: the first was to look for a name that I recognized..and secondly I picked the name that sounded better than the other. I picked some Kelli chick because my daughter's name is Kelley.

Probably not the best way to exercise a vote..but at least I did color in the arrow.

Peace

Don't Text & Drive - Reason # 245

I started my new (awesome) job Monday! I love, love, love it!

My super-duper boss is on her way out of town on business travel. I was told yesterday afternoon that I need to terminate an employee TODAY..at 6:30am. WOW ~ what a way to end my first week...........

So..I'm driving to work (yes, I KNOW..I shouldn't text and drive. I NORMALLY do not do that but my boss texted first and I knew she was waiting to board her flight)

Date: Today, 3/9/12
Time: 6:11am

BOSS: "good luck"

My response SHOULD have been:

ME: " thanks..my tummy is in knots. Thanks for sending the new chick to do your dirty work  :o)

My response WAS:

ME: " thanks..my tummy is in knots. Thanks for sending the new chick to do your dirty work  ho

Yes...I called my boss a ho ( my ":" is above my "h")

As soon as I hit send I caught what I did...spewed coffee all over my dash..laughed hysterically..then text:

ME: "sorry..I meant to do a smiley face not call you a ho :o)

BOSS: "lol"

ME: "I am so sorry and embarasses over my typo. That's what I get for trying to text at a red light before the light changes"

BOSS: "u fit right in with us! "Jane" and I are cracking up!!!"

ME: "I spit my coffee on the dash of my car...sure took the edge off".

So how did your morning start?

Peace!

Reason #214

There are many reasons why I decided my current employer was no longer for me. I could list them...but I've lived them and rehashing them only pisses me off. But, let me give you this little tidbit

So....my last day at this job is tomorrow morning. My co-worker invited me to lunch on Monday for TODAY to (1) celebrate my new job and (2) as a 'going away' gesture/lunch. He even sent me an email when I was off yesterday to say..'hey, be thinking about where you want to go to lunch'. Cool!

Fast-forward to TODAY. Co-worker hasn't given me so much as a glance at all today. I'm thinking...he must be busy, right. 11am rolls around...nothing...11:30am...nothing. Noon - nothing. Finally at 1pm I grab my purse and stop by his office and say "hey, since you are obviously busy, I'm going to head out for lunch).

Does he say, 'hang on, let me finish up here and let's go? Nooooo

He says 'Okay..umm, damn...I'm not going to be here tomorrow either..so...."

I say: "You know what, it's okay"

Then I walk out to the parking lot and say out loud: "THAT'S SO EFFED UP".

Times like this - and there have been many - validated the reasons I am leaving XYZ Company!

Peace!

Huff and Puff and Stuff...

So...I've spent considerable time cleaning out my office. Throwing out stuff I've hoarded, boxing up personal items to take home, and purging my bookshelf. I have 3 years worth of HR Magazines! I didn't want to throw them out but I didn't want to haul them home and then to my new office either. So I called the local University and have donated them.

Today I headed to said university to drop off the box of magazines (they were a bit heavy). I could not find the elevator so I WALKED up 3 flights of stairs IN HEELS, carrying this HEAVY box of magazines!! My legs were screaming and my heart felt like it was going to explode from the climb and the altitude!! On the way back down I found the elevator....figures!

Sweet baby Jesus...I am so out of shape!!! It's amazing how 5 weeks out of the gym can take a body all the way back to the beginning!

Peace!

One more week

God help me!! I have one more week at my job before changing and it is a struggle beond all struggles. Just the sound of some of my co-worker's voices make me want to puke!  I am so done here - ready to move on to bigger and better things. Some of these folk have been good co-workers, although I can't say in 4 years that I would consider any of them a friend (other than Jamie). I've never fit in with this crowd.

But today, I feel like poo-poo and I don't want to deal with this job and these people today!

Peace!

One Bitchin' Post

Well...maybe not "bitchin'" - but if I had said "One Whiny Post" it wouldn't be nearly as eye-catching.

I woke up this morning to an elephant trying to make his way through my sinus cavity and the feel of a hot red pepper stuck to the back of my throat. I lay the blame ..the sole responsibility...on Dennis the one-man flooring guy!

Let me digress - Rich & I are redoing the flooring in the house. Replacing carpet and linoleum with hardwood and ceramic tile, and replacing carpet in the bedrooms. Honey & I spent the long weekend packing and moving around furniture, ripping up the existing flooring and getting prepared for the "floor crew" to arrive on Monday. Monday was a no-show but "they" arrived on Tuesday. The "They" was Dennis. Just Dennis...no crew....just one man to install our flooring, starting with the hardwood. What would take a crew 1-2 days tops to install hardwood and a day to install carpet is taking 4 days for hardwood before he (only Dennis) starts the carpet next week.

Oh, and the tile guys (please, please be more than ONE) will start on our master bathroom renovation on Monday.

So, why am I sick? My house is a true dust bowl! There is a thin layer of dust E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E! Every single nook and cranny. I wipe it up and before I can throw away my swifter cloth, the dust has multiplied and made it's way back to cover everything!

Ugh..with at least another full week of renovations and dust, I resolve to be miserable with dust up my nose!

Damn Dennis and his no-man flooring crew! (not really, he seems like a nice guy)

Peace!

Waiting for Paint to Dry...

What about..."Waiting for water to boil". Oh, how about "waiting for the phone to ring"?  Whatever it is...I am waiting - AGAIN.

This time I am waiting for the next 8 days to go by before I can start my new job. My boss asked that I work out my notice but, geez....what little bitty work that I had to do today I finished before 9am. Then I read the news - on 5 different websites. Walked around the halls a bit, went to lunch - which was Tiramisu and Coffee, check emails, checked Google reader, checked Facebook, walked around the halls a bit more....now I'm sitting here waiting for 5 o'clock!

Why was there a need for me to work out my notice?

8 days left.....

Geesh.....

Peace!

The Wait Was Painful

Maybe not so painful...but I sure was sick to my stomach and had the 'nervous stomach bathroom' situation going for a couple of days (if you know what I mean).

At any rate - the wait is OVER!

On Tuesday (V-day) I heard about a local job for which I fit perfectly. I took the chance and applied. By 3pm I had received a call for an interview. On Wednesday I went for said interview that went very well, and was told they would contact me today with whatever the final decision was.

Thursday and today I was just sick to my stomach...all in knots..in anticipation. By lunch today I had heard nothing and was just a lump of pitiful at lunch with Rich. Just as I was in literal tears today while talking to a wonderful friend of mine at work about how I just could not "do this" anymore (meaning to go to work and do NOTHING all day)...I dried my tears long enough to answer my cell phone from "XYZ" Company and received an offer. I accepted it! The position is a Senior-level HR position and is everything I have done in my career and more!

With a bit of nervousness and some serious loss of effectiveness from my Degree deodorant ...I turned in my notice at work. There was some shock - didn't see it coming - from my boss and my closest colleague. I've been asked to work my 2 week notice out; I cannot imagine WHY because I have zero responsibilities, very little to transition to any one else and nothing to do...at all. But...okay.

All in all....I am so thrilled and BLESSED to have this opportunity!

I finally feel like I have come to the point in my career that I should be at with a greater chance to go further!

Please do the Happy Dance with me!!!

Peace!

Waiting......

“...sitting and waiting is one of the most miserable occupations known to man - not that it usually is known to men; women do it much more often.”

― Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly In Amber

 
Peace!

On the Road and Updates

This will be a rather boring blog. If you'd rather go and get a root canal rather than endure the next few minutes of reading...please, by all means. I would completely understand.

I've been on personal travel for a week now. Well, as I am sitting at the terminal at Tampa International, you could say that I am still on personal travel. Go ahead, I won't mind a bit. So, here I sit waiting for my flight home, reflecting on the the past week with Aunt Ellen. Her knee surgery went well in case you were wondering. We camped out in a downstairs bedroom for 5 days until she could maneuver the stairs to her living area (bedroom, kitchen and living room). I did manage to NOT gain any weight while I was there (at least I don't think so), as I spent those 5 days running up and down the stairs. It hard hard to leave her a little while ago and a arrival of the airport shuttle at her door prevented a long drawn out 'good-bye'.

I spent this past week talking to her, listening to her and finding solace in the closeness I felt to her. Often times I found myself lost in her resemblance to my Mother. Her hands, her eyes, her facial features...just like my Mother. It was bittersweet to the taste.

I was able to talk o Rich a couple of time every day but we are soooo not phone people! There was a great deal of silence and saying, "So......" - kinda reminded me of when he was deployed. There wasn't much to say as our days seemed like the one before; but knowing he was on the other of the line just warmed my heart and made me happy to know he was waiting at home - our HOME - for me! (Love him!!!)

So now I sit here at the terminal and am filled with such joy to be going home to my husband and family. I've missed them so much...yes, even those two crazy dogs and their constant running in and out of the doggy door.

Peace!

What Do You Say?

I'm writing from St. Petersburg, FL. I arrived yesterday (Thursday) to be with my Aunt Ellen through her knee surgery and recovery until mid-next week. Aunt Ellen took me over to the nursing to see her mother-in-law Wilma; who I had not seen in many years; just in case anything happened while Aunt Ellen was down and I was needed to check on Wilma.

Wilma is 97-98'ish, sharp as a stinking tack with episodes of dementia. She's a fascinating woman and always has been.

Aunt Ellen: Wilma, do you remember Renee? This is Martha's daughter
Wilma: Why yes, I remember you Renee. It's been a long time since I've seen you.
Me: It's so good to see you again Wilma.

We sit down with her on the patio.

Wilma: You are so pretty just like Martha. How is your Mother?
Me: (She doesn't remember..or did she ever know?) She's dead just fine.
Wilma: I sure do love your Mother. So she's doing well?
Me: She's dead doing better than she's ever done in her life because she's dead and in Heaven.
Wilma: That's good. She sure is a beautiful woman. I'd like to see her. Maybe she can come see me.
Me: I'm sure she would love to see you Wilma. I know one day you will see her again.
Wilma: I hope so.

The conversation fades to other subjects with me and Aunt Ellen.

Wilma: *looks at me: How's your Mother?
Me: She's still dead doing just fine.

Peace

In or Out! (And I don't mean the Burger)

"You all stay in or out but stop your running back and forth"

That's what my Daddy used to yell say every time we would use the back door like a turn-style and run in and out of the house. He was so good at saying that statement that our own children got to hear it over and over again!

See these two?

  Annie & Jake.

See this Doggie door?

 It has a magnetic clip on it to keep it closed when not in use. That magnetic clip makes a clicking sound every single time they go through it from the livingroon to the outside deck.

All day and evening - until bedtime - we hear that CLICK, CLICK, CLICK. Over and over again as they do this:

IN

 

OUT

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK......CLICK

They go out to survey the back yard, to bark at whatever needs to be barked at and to do their business. They come back in to walk the house, take a quick nap, eat a bite, or just to say "Hey". Then it's back through the doggie door they go.

I catch myself yelling telling then to stay IN or OUT! But just like we were as kids...they don't listen either!

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK......

Peace

Getting Hosed....

I have a love/hate relationship with pantyhose. I love to wear them because they keep my legs warm (which in turn prevents the hair on my legs from growing when they get cold...it's true). I'm also pale-skinned so they make my legs look a bit better when wearing business clothing for work, and they prevent my thighs from sticking together (gross)! What I hate about hose is that it's hard to find a "natural" color so it sometimes looks like I jumped in the tanning bed and only got my legs. I also hate that any slight movement, bump or worse...when I pull them up... I get a damn run in them!  You would think that after 50 years of hosiery making that the powers that be can make a panty hose that will not run - or at least run after the 10th use and not on the first! In the past 2 days I have run two brand new pairs of hose!! AND the kicker is that they cost 3 times the cost of a gallon of gasoline! That, my friends, is no lie and it sure does suck!

Now, I could easily solve the hose issue by wearing pants to work. True...true. But I've always felt more comfortable in a skirt or dress. I feel more ...feminine in skirts and dresses. Plus, I'm vertically challenged so finding dress pants that are the right length for me is just impossible!

I know what you are thinking....solve the problem and just ditch the hose altogether or stop whining about it. (Didn't think I heard you right??). Well, going bare-legged at 45'ish, in the winter months, is not a pretty sight on some people and I happen to be one of them! My legs get blotchy, nics from daily shaving, and pasty from lack of sun. Bleck! Bleck! And double Bleck!!!

Okay...that's my rant and post for the day. I need to 'run' (get it?) and see if I can find some clear nail polish in my car to fix the run in my black hose before it makes it to my knee and in plain sight!

Peace!

Rambling Rose...

I haven't really blogged lately. I'm not sure why...just haven't. It's not even as if there is nothing happening in my life to blog about; there's a few things, but by the time I finally sit down to write a post I realize the moment has passed me by.

So, here are a few random ramblings for your reading pleasure:

1. Food Chain Friends - They are Friends...They eat each other...It's complicated! Kelley bought this for my great-niece recently. Isn't it just about the coolest, yet freakiest thing you have ever seen? What kind of mind came up with this idea? Stuffed animals that "eat each other", Food Chain style!

2. Rich & I have enjoyed our 'empty nest' life-style! The benefits are endless: Sleeping with our bedroom door open. Having a beer and popcorn for dinner? Sure why not. Let's even throw in a bowl of cereal into the mix just because. Then there the easy cleaning for 2! My cleaning days no longer consist of cleaning an extra bathroom or washing dishes for many! Now I pace myself as I dust and vacuum - takes me a few minutes because Rich and I generally pick up after ourselves and clean as we go. Then there is the benefit of not feeling (self-imposed) pressure to hurry right home or staying home just in case we are needed. When someone else is living in our space we tend to feel like we have to 'tend' to them. And let's not forget that we can (kids close your eyes) have sex whenever we want! Plus, we know it's annoying to live with Us!

3. I finally had a talk with my boss and shared my feelings of frustration and desire for more meaningful work. The discussion went well and I should expect some additional projects and responsibilities to come my way in the very near future. I think the most satisfying from the conversation is that I'm not in danger of getting RIF'd any time soon! I have also accepted a strategic volunteer role within a local HR organization that I anticipate will help me in with networking and with my professional development.

4. We are still hitting the gym a few times a week. Well, we have slacked a little bit over the past week but it's all good!

5. Rich and I have put up a calendar at home and have begun to fill it with events and travel plans that we are looking forward to this year! This is the year that we get out of the house on the weekends and hit the road! We want to do some camping, hop on the bike for some riding, and take in as many golf trails, winery trails & restaurants from "Diners, Drive-ins & Dives" as we can.

6. I'm heading to St. Petersburg, FL the end of next week to help my Aunt through knee surgery and recovery. I love a road trip and I love her!

Oh my goodness.......what a random and B-O-R-I-N-G post this is!!

I promise something more insightful and interesting will come soon!

Peace!

Does This Count?

I have a problem.

Well, not a problem...but a 'problem'.

Not really a 'problem' either...

I count!

There I said it. I am a counter! I count everything..utility poles on the side of the road, stairs when I'm walking them, windows on/in a building, ceiling tiles, chairs in a room. Sometimes I just c-o-u-n-t for no reason at all. I count my crochet stitches even though there is not a reason to do that when I'm doing a repetitive stitch. This morning at the gym I even counted the number of pull-ups some random guy was doing! How freaking weird is that? The bad part is that I know that I'm doing it but do it any way! I don't feel 'obsessed' that I have to count every thing, but I just find myself doing it for no particular reason.

I even googled it this morning to see if this oddity is linked to anything weirder. There's no linkage but I did find that a lot of people do this! Whew...I'm not alone on my self-imposed island of misfit toys!

Isn't that weird?

Peace!

Don't Judge Lest Ye Be Judged

0415/4:15am - Get up from the warm bed to get ready for the gym.

0430/4:30am - Rich and I get to the gym and begin out 1 hour workout.

0545/5:45am - Back home. Showers and getting ready for work begin.

0630/6:30am - Finished getting ready for work, sit down to a bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast.

0650/6:50am - Rich stands in kitchen doorway watching me as I make my coffee-to-go, grab a banana for mid-morning snack, put on my coat and grab my purse. 

0651/6:51am - Notice the chocolate chip cookies on the counter that we bought in a moment of weakness at Publix last night.

0652/6:52am - Shove a cookie in my mouth

0652. 30 seconds/6:52:30 - Look at Rich, with the cookie hanging out of my mouth... "Don't judge"

~ Peace