The Day After

So, I am back to work after Christmas. The most annoying thing about doing that is the constant annoying question: "Did you have a good Christmas"?

Why do people always ask that?? My response is always the same, "It's hard not to have a good Christmas" when I really want to say... "that's a stupid question"! I then feel compelled to ask about their Christmas and then spend the next 15-20 minutes hearing about their day in great detail.

What would they say is my response was "No, my dog died, the Christmas tree lights caught the curtains on fire, the firemen saved the Christmas turkey just in time for Uncle Pete to show up with his 8 snot-nosed, sickly kids all under the age of 5. Oh, and let's not forget that the septic tank backed up and the tubs and commodes over-flowed!" Good times!! Even IF all of that happened, who would actually say anything different other than, "It was a nice Christmas"?

Maybe I'm just not a sharer of my personal business at work...or even in my personal life. I prefer to keep the details of what actually goes on in my life private. Even those I consider 'friends' get the glossed-over, high-level version.

So - for the record....I had a great Christmas!

Peace!

The Heaviness of Holidays

What's wrong?

I get this a lot lately.

I try - and want  - to be jolly and 'all in' to the Christmas season.

I really do.

It's just....

I miss them.

I miss them so much.

My heart still clinches in grief.

It's been four years now (soon).

You are bleesed...look at what you have been blessed with

I hear that a lot too.

I'm Blessed...I'm grateful.

I still grieve.

~ Peace

Sometimes....

Sometimes I dislike the job that I love!

It's emotionally tough at times.

Such is the job of an HR Manager.

That is all!

Peace

Coming Around the Back Stretch...

Today is the LAST pay day before Christmas!

Whew!

I have finally finished all of my Christmas shopping for our large family (8 adult and 3 grandchildren)! I'm broke as a piece of peanut brittle (oh, yum!!!) but I am so glad that's all over! Now as we roll around to the back-stretch I have one more special person - my Husband - to shop for; and two weeks to do it...well, 1 1/2 weeks.  Can I just say out loud.....once children grow up and become adults, and as my husband and I grow together, it sure gets harder and harder each year trying to think of just the right gift(s) to buy!!

Each year I swear that I'm going to start early saving money and shopping for gifts - but that never, ever happens! Fortunately, this shopping season hasn't felt the least bit stressful and I haven't spent more than I have in Christmas' past. That in itself is a bonus for me!

The tree's not up, decorations are still boxed in the garage, nothing is wrapped or boxed for shipping. Hmm, well, I'm almost there....I see the finish line up ahead.

Soon the race will be over and a New Year will be nipping at the heels of Chistmas day.

Cheers!

Peace!

You Can Lead a Horse to Water....

Family picture day came to the Richardson home along with Thanksgiving and a full house! I spent hours selecting a photographer, securing a venue, watching the weather forcast, combing Pinterest for ideas on large group photos (13 of us in all), individual family shots, parents and our children shots. The photographer and I exchanged lots of other ideas and had a plan going into the session of just what I wanted her to capture. We wanted to get all of the 'posed' shots out of the way first then move to something more 'real'. The only thing we didn't plan on was the long faces, rolling eyes, whining about not wanting to do it, or the comments because it was different than 'they' thought it should be, and so much feet dragging that you would have thought I had ask everyone to walk the green mile. As the session moved forward the worse attitudes became until I couldn't ake it anymore. My heart was discouraged and broken that I finally pulled the plug and requested no more pictures. Even the photographer felt the disgruntled energy and she pulled back - but even then she kept asking me if I wanted to continue and get some of the shots we planned; I just could not take it another second. I left there heavy-hearted that no one cared how much this whole thing meant to me; enough to even fake it.

So pictures finally came in and I'm hearing how disppointing they are (really?), how some are good, some are not, or they look "nice" (like I can't read into that one). I love how no one wanted to do it in the first place and now they don't like the pictures. (?) what did they expect? I'm trying to guard my heart on this one because my feelings were and are hurt. There are no do overs here. This was a one-shot opportunity.

All in all, the pictures I received are printable and are fine for my needs. A couple are actually fantastic! Unfortuantely, the damage has been done and instead of looking at them and remember such a wonderful family moment captured on film, I will only remember the sadness of the experience.

I have made myself a solemn promise....I will never, ever, ever put myself or the family in this position again. This was the very last full family picture.

Peace

Couldn't You Just

Be happy for what you have instead of bitching about what you don't?

Say "Thank you" or "That's wonderful" rather than cop the attitude that it wasn't enough or to your standards?

Accept the differences between you and everyone else and not make comparisons?

The Silence That Follows

Our Thanksgiving house was full for almost a week. There was chaos everywhere...in every room.. every nook & cranny - and it was wonderful! Our quiet home was blissfully loud to the sounds of laughter, talking, screaming (the little ones), crying (again, the little ones) of 13-15 adults and 5 children.

The day after Thanksgiving sent off half of our family back to their homes. We kissed one family and waved til they drove out of site...then we made our next goodbye at the Nashville airport..waving and blowing last kisses through the glass window separating the waiting area from the concourse. Rich & I drove back to town - only to drive around for 2 hours once we arrived. We couldn't bring ourselves to come back to the silence so soon.

Being long-distance parents to two of our children and our three grandchildren is difficult. It seems that gone are the days when whole families lived within the same county lines and Sunday dinner at Grandma's was the norm - life comes first and the scattering happens. Even though we have two children still local we are realistic...we know they will eventually leave to life and places unknown again.

Peace.

It's My Mind...I Can Change It

And....I have changed it.

I am public again and it's going to be okay.

Something's Missing

The house is full and will be even fully tomorrow. There are kids and grandchildren to run around and be happy. But something inside of me is missing. The hole that always exists....exists. I pray diligently for it to be filled but is remains empty and sad....always on the brim of crying...sometimes the cup becomes so full that it spills over.

Will this ever go away?

The Panic Sets In

I have to say in all honesty - I'm a little tweaked about going all out 'private'. When I started this blog I did it for me...then at some point I got a follower - how?  I'm not sure, but there she was. Since then I have had roughly 109 known followers and many non-public followers; give or take and off & on. Many became people who I considered (and still do) 'friends' in this town called Blogville... a few became friends in my real life away from Blogville. Many bloggers got me through some of the hardest times with just a single word of encouragement or let me know that I wasn't as alone as I felt. I'm not blowing up with ego over those who chose to 'follow' me; I'm just overwhelmed, humbled and grateful for each and every person that did. I wish along the way that I could have impacted my followers' lives in some way as much as they have impacted mine by letting me into their blogs and lives.

I'm saddened that I feel the need to go private.... I cringe at the thought of hiding. When I log in after 15 November, it will be silent. No one to read my blog, no one to comment..just me. That's how it all started. Interesting. If there was a better way I would do it.  I even considered trashing this blog and starting over - but I couldn't bring myself to hit delete on some of the most important  things of my last 4 years... it all adds up to be My Story.

Peace

(Public Blogging) Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

I haven't blogged for a while...a real, meaningful, sincere, emotional-releasing, blog. I have written many in my head and have definitely had a great deal word-worthy and blog-worthy things going on. So, why I have I not blogged them out? Honestly, the things in my life that I want to blog about - well, I can't. Or I don't. The words in my head..in my heart..are so wrapped among the vines of friends, family and others that I know who read my blog. Putting them into a blog, even if just to clear my thoughts, vent, cry and try to make sense of myself and situations, would be taken out of context, taken personally or create an air of frustration that its just easier to keep them to myself.

I started this blog as an outlet ~ it is has become the opposite after almost 4 years. I no longer feel comfortable using this blog to express myself or to say the words that fight to get released.My mind stays scrambled and I feel like I am going nuts with all that is in my noggin'! I don't have a friend/confidante other that my husband, that I can really talk to - so I wear out my husband - or keep it all to myself.

So, I have made a decision.

I am taking this blog private on Friday Nov. 15.

Peace.

Back to School....Sort of

So.....

Rich & I have started attending Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. One class down and eight more to go. HE is loving it...its money and budgeting and saving money. Me? What? What the heck are these envelope for???

Just kidding.

We always say the words "we really need to start saving better for our retirement". Heck...we are 20 years away since the retirement age moved to 67-70. The leanest years are behind us - the years of raising kids...putting ourselves in debt to do it...and then using the 'empty nest' years to dig ourselves out. To be honest ~ Rich's deployment finally got us into the the 'green' (except for the mortgage). Now what?? It got us there but how do we stay there? What do we do now?

We did the 'dirty' and sat down for 3 hours ( YES, 3 HOURS) Sunday after church and broke out our bank accounts. We have kept separate bank accounts for 14.99% of our 15 years of marriage - we realized early own that we cannot share a bank account!! We were both appalled at what we have spent in a 3 month time frame on frivolous spending, eating out (lunches and occasional dinners), and those quick "I need to pick up milk" trips to Publix that end up costing $50! Heck, I spent $2 less in eating out than I did for gasoline! Envelope Please!

Geesh! So, we are DOING THIS! Really. And Rich the spreadsheet King, Contract Officer for the Alabama National Guard, Program Manager for XXXXX Network Technologies and Hawkeye of the bank account could not be more excited! I think he only played hard to get when I first mentioned it just to test my sincerity. (I signed us up AND paid for it out of MY ACCOUNT - Oh Snap)! After the torturous three hours, we finally took a good hard look...saw the light and he secretly is praying that my ways will be changed!  I am my Mother's daughter, after all ~ Evie may just need that cute little pair of sequined tennis shoes in red! Now.....There's an envelope for that!

Looks like lots of PB&J for lunches!

Class two tomorrow night!

Peace!

The Playground Turf War

There's a playground turf war going on up in Washington. Like five year old boys...no one ants to give an inch. We have a President who leads with a "my way or the highway' mentality...who thrives on the drama...the chaos ans, as the leader of one gang - thrives on the power. We have the other gang holding tight to their colors. It's Michael Jackson's "Bad" video all reinvented.

This week, as HR Manager, I have gone into negotiations over healthcare premiums - it's not pretty because of the Affordable Health Care Act (Obamacare). We were getting a minor rate increase - YAY - then we saw the ACA fees & taxes tacked on to each individual enrolled. These are the taxes and fees that the working folks - those who have healthcare available through their employer, have to pay to fund the individuals that need subsidy under the Marketplace. That's a difference between 3% and 14% on a pay check. We all get healthcare, right? NO...we will all have access to healthcare but it's not free nor is it affordable for everyone....but it's the law now that you have to have it whether you can afford it or not.

And while I'm on a rant....this whole mess has caused the government shutdown. This week I have issued separation letters to many employees...and was given a new list today with almost 50 names. I work for a DoD contractor...the government is closed so contracts aren't getting renewed or issued. This is a death roll to American small businesses and no one seems to be ready to sit down and talk like adults.  The Republicans won't change their stance..the Democrats won't change theirs ...and  - although they (Republicans) have made attempts to send pieces of the budget up for approval the Democrats and Obama have refused to pass them. It's all or nothing.

Right now I am frustrated and gravely disappointed in out Country's lack of leadership. No one...not ONE Party will stand for the people. Put the damn thing to the vote of the people...just because someone was voted in office doesn't mean they have cart blanc to make decisions for the whole country. Let's let the hundreds of thousands out of jobs and pay right now take a vote.

I always refrain from voicing my political feelings but after the damn day I have had and looking at the lives I will change next week...I'm just beyond pissed. Venting and getting it out of my head!

I will not argue with you over my thoughts so please don't even try to engage me.... it will be ugly.

Peace!

The Difference Between Us

I would never...ever...ever have sent THIS to our son in his 29th birthday (today) in place of a card. Josh called it his "I don't give a shit card".

Our son has been and always be one of the most precious blessings I have received. Every single day I am grateful for him.

It hurts my heart.

Hear Me Sister

I was one of the blessed and fortunate kids growing up - I didn't come from a broken or single-parent home. My parents were married 50 years before they passed away 2 days apart back in 2009. I didn't know what it was like to have to divide my loyalties between my parents and other parents. When I was divorced with two small children, I started them down the path of step-parenthood if a quest to get to where I am today - never understanding the impact it would have on them (and me) as we grew. They experienced step-grandparents who didn't much care for them. I found what it was like to have ex-wives and new-wives detest me for simply marrying someone I loved. I have seen the pain of hurt in my children's eyes over being rejected by a step-mother (or two) that separated them from a loving relationship with their own father. They have had to listen to their step-mothers' vile and degrading opinion of me... their mother...whose only crime was to marry and divorce her husband. My children had step-siblings along the way only to be torn apart when things didn't work out. I've felt the pain of having step-children hate me, ignore me, and fight against any good intention that I had to try and form a bond. I've seen the weight of the pressure on my husband to try and be a stepfather to my children - fight the fight against resistance -  while at the same time reassure my stepson that everything was going to be okay. I've seen the look of defeat in my husband's eyes when he felt resistance and rejection...and when he felt defeated by the "competition"of the other parent. I've had a stepson disregard me for 13 years to have one single moment turn the sails in my favor. I've seen my children and stepson wage the emotional battle between loving the 'new' parent and the biological parent and not feel like a traitor. It will break your heart!!

Step-parenting is not for sissies or the weak at heart. It's tough beyond all imagination. But only a few are called to do it... and to do it regardless of the fight, the harsh words, the cold shoulders, the thankless moments of kindness and without selfishness. We do it because one day the step-sons/daughters will looks at you and say  "I love you" and willingly take your hand. We do it because years after the battle is over there is a reward waiting for us here on earth when everything feels right in the world again. We do it day after day...broken and dejected...in hope that the 'one day' will come. We do it .... because we love our husbands/wives and can't give up just as the battle has begun... because each moment, each step we take to get through one day to the next is worth it in the end.

Rich and I went through a particular hard moment in our marriage after about  9 years - the war of step-parenting had reached it's crescendo..it was all around us. Every single day we were dodging missiles and ending the day bloody, emotionally drained and weak. Our eyes were glazed with bewilderment and sheer shock over what was happening. My husband gave up for a second, cleared his head and came back to help me finish the fight. We decided that no matter what, we were fighting for OUR marriage - our love and desire to be together and be whatever family could be salvaged. We couldn't make kids love us, our respect us (heck who does that when they are teenagers??), but we would stand firm and put our marriage first. We let go of trying to fight the kids, to win them over. We gave ourselves permission to admit that it all sucked..that it's okay if they don't talk to us, if they didn't respond to kind (or peaceful) words, if they didn't  want to acknowledge our efforts. We won the battle; many were injured and scarred; but we won. Today, after 15 1/2 years of marriage we can honestly say that it was all worth it. We can look back now and actually laugh at the sheer craziness...really!

Sister - we do it because that is how we were raised! We were made strong, we were made resilient and to not bolt unless there was a damn good reason. Letting children hurt your feelings is not a good reason! Seal your heart from the things that can hurt you. Seal up your heart from: seeking their approval, disapproval, happiness, anger, resentment, and every other emotional element that could soak into your heart and warp your stability. Seal up your heart and be there; your presence is actually enough to bring everyone comfort that you are there to stay...no matter what. Stop seeking THEIR approval, THEIR favor and focus on seeking GOD's approval and HIS favor. Be the wife you are made to be with the husband you are meant to be with.

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward, it is the Lord Christ you are serving” – Colossians 3:23-24

You have been blessed with a Godly man....those don't come around too often. You are STRONG because God in you is stronger than this moment . You are STRONG because you were raised by strong parents... head up and walk in like you own the place! You will be rejected, forgotten, dismissed and hurt. Know that and seal your heart! Pray for God to shield your heart and let the pain of actions and words (or the lack thereof) fall at God's feet. Don't let go of your husbands hand for a moment.

You can do this Sister. You can!

It will be okay. I promise you this with all of the shared blood that run through my body. If you hang on you will experience the reward. Even if it is a smile today..or not being ignored tomorrow. You are only 1 1/2 years in...keep going.

I love you!

Peace

Friends Change...Friends Go

I think when one friendship stalls and the 'best' separates from 'friend'...God places another friend in your life to meet the need of having someone to trust again and to share life's joys, sorrows and frustrations with. I wasn't as close...who am I kidding....I wasn't close to God at all a year and a half ago - but He blessed me anyway by allowing me to find a close and true friend in a co-worker. Together we have had each others back, we have prayed for each other and together, we have trusted without pause and we have been stood together as friends throughout tough times. When I couldn't breath from grief, she held my hand, when I was frustrated she got frustrated right along with me so I wouldn't feel alone. I've been able to share so much with her and know that I could trust her with my words. When I needed a friend she was there - really there - and I could close my eyes and fall knowing she would catch me. In turn, I learned to be a better friend and to give back all that she had freely given to me in friendship. That's what a friend really is!

This is her last week before transitioning to another job at a different company. Thinking of the first day I will walk in the office and know she's not there and won't be coming back...that will truly break my heart. We have said the words that all friends say..."we will keep in touch", "we will meet for lunch or drinks", we will...we will..we will. The reality is that her life is changing just as mine will change. She will go on to forge new friendships that will supersede and surpass the one we had been blessed to have. I won't say that we won't be friends any longer but I have been down this same road several times...I know where it leads and all of the obstacles that prevent lasting close friendships. Each time I become more reluctant to form close friendships ~ and it takes me a while to get there again.  I believe that God places people in your life...in my life...to be a friend when you need one the most. I also believe that he allows them to leave once the lesson has been learned. I learned from her that I can trust again...that I could be the friend that I would want to have...that I don't have to settle for less and to be kind to those we have loved as friends.

I will miss her very much!

Peace.

Drama-Free zone

I hate Drama.

I love drama-fee!

I have been fortunate to have lived in a drama-free zone for a long time now. I find that if I mind my own business, don't try to mind others' business, and keep my "friend" area tiny - confiding only to my husband, that I am able to maintain this status quo!

I have also realized that it's easier to love my family and friends for who they are and where they are in their lives; and pray that they feel the same way about me.

For other people it is not so easy and therefore they always seem to be a big target for the drama arrow!

Someone I love is just being pelted with drama spears and it just breaks my heart!

:(

Peace

When It's Ovah ~ It's Ovah!

I never, ever thought I would type these words: It's Over (Ovah)!

My love affair with Wine.

My quest to 'heal' my growing stomach problems have taken me through tests, tests and more tests, some heavy-duty prescription Prilosec and a new adventure to Glutenfreeville!

Yesterday I felt pretty darn good - still pain - but better than I had felt in a long time. Then, I drank wine - well, a couple of glasses actually. This morning I wake to an all-too-familiar pain in my tummy. Ouch! I've never been great at Math, but I was able to put two and two together and come up with an ah-ha moment!

Wine + last night = stomach pain today

Previously I had waved off stomach pains as being part of whatever the problem in my tummy was (ulcer, gastritis, reflux....), but then I cut out gluten last Monday. That, along with the Prilosec, began to make me feel so much better - and no heartburn or reflux! It hit me this morning that the wine had gluten and here I am. Feeling like I have swallowed a side of beef - whole, I'm nauseous and my tummy hurts.

So...I can't purposely make myself feel like this again.

It will be a hard row to hoe without wine but... I will survive!

Peace

Project "Me"

With our Summer travel behind us and it seems like life may ease up a bit it is time to work on my new project: Project "Me". I kind of mentioned it in my last blog post that there were things I need to fix, mend (or not), and change about me and my direction in life.

For three & years I have felt adrift without a buoy or anchor. I stopped fitting in to my own life and the lives of others. The grief and changes I went through changed me - I'm not the same person and I don't know what to do with the woman I am now. I'm unfocused, unmotivated and I no longer trust people. I've become a glass half-empty girl when before I was a total 1/2 full girl. Where I used to have compassion...I lost that along the way.. I am indifferent. My attitude sucks but I'm good at faking it most of the time. I force myself to socialize only to spend the whole time wishing I was back at home where I am safe and secure; where I don't have to engage in small talk about myself about crap, with people who could care less.  I drink too much... I exercise too little and there is more of me now than there needs to be.

So, where do I begin in the project? Do I clean out the bad and then start new with what's left? Do I start working on the bad to make it good again? I need a life coach! I need a health coach! I need a fitness coach! I need a stinking plan!

This weekend I will spend some much needed time cleaning my house...then I will take some time to start cleaning everything else.

Peace

Turning a New Leaf

Rich & I are in Cali visiting family. While here I have had a few moments hear and there to really look at my life: what I'm doing with it, how I spend my time, who I spend it with. There are things I want to do that I keep putting off and things I've started that I haven't finished. I realize that there are a couple of friendships that have run its course that I need to either let go or decide to fix - there are others friendships that I need to invest more time in. There are family members that I need to put more time in with also. My health has suffered and I have let myself go physically, mentally and emotionally. So... I'm not sure how to turn all of this around but I'm going to write a project "Me" plan and turn over a new leaf!

Stay Tuned!

Peace

On the Road Again

Rich & I have been in heavy travel mode for two months now. This afternoon we will once again load up on a plane and head out. This adventure takes us to the West Coast to visit our son and his family through the holiday. We are looking forward to getting this trip behind us and staying home to just 'be' and do things at home..together.

Happy 4th of July!

Peace

Amber Alert: I've been missing

Yes..it really is me! I actually didn't get kidnapped, fall and hit my head and have amnesia, or hit the end button on my blogging life. I have to admit that i thought about the latter over the past month or so....not because I have nothing to blog about - i have plenty. Its just sometimes i want to blog about things related to people (family and friends) and they ready my blog....so I don't blog when i want to.  :(

So...to do a quick catchup ....since April Rich & I have found a church we enjoy, I turned 47, celebrated 15 yrs with my amazing husband, welcomed my grandson Jack into life, went to Jamaica for a vacation, got an offer on a secondary house we have been trying to sell, passed my PHR certification this morning and am currently sitting on a plane somewhere between Atlanta and New Mexico going to visit my daughter for a couple of days. July 3rd will take us to California to visit then our annual travel will be over and Rich & I can learn how to do "nothing".

Peace

Just One More Time

Mother's Day is just a few days away.What I wouldn't give to be able to share that day with my Mother just one more time. She left this earth long before I was ready to give her back to God....3 1/2 years seems like yesterday when I last kissed her goodbye not knowing it would be for ever.

Each Mothers Day I can't help but stop and scan the sea of cards...looking for the one card I would buy for her if I had one more time - just one more Mother's Day with her. I pick up one card after the other until I find just what I'm looking for. I read it a couple of times and then put it back on the rack.

There are even moments when I am so tempted to buy the card just to keep.

If you have your Mom still...do not...I repeat...Do Not take it for granted.

Peace

O-M-G FRG

I am ONE week away from handing the leadership of the FRG to the command of my husband's unit! I have "done this, been there" for 3 1/2 year and I am OVER IT! A year ago I actually resigned  at the same time command was changing hands - only to give in at the last moment at the request of the old and new command (who told me it was not appropriate for his wife to be part of the FRG....really??) for another trip around the sun. Well, that trip is over and I am out-of-there! Our unit is small (only E-5 and above) - top heavy with officers; 98% of the spouses have already paid their dues and have taken the vaccine that makes them immune to any form of FRG involvement....which makes it difficult to get anything done in the FRG planning of events.

Recently the FRG was going to hold its annual (fundraiser) Yard Sale. This sale typically brings in the funds to pay for Family Day and holiday events for the unit and families. Instead of having donations coming out of the armory doors as in previous years, this year we got 2 little boxes. Welp, no support from the unit or families meant no yard sale, no funds. Instead of taking it personally I brushed of any ego trip I started down and said "F" - it! Family Day will go on next weekend as planned... when it's over the FRG account will sport a BIG goose-egg "0". I will happily turn over everything I have for the FRG to the unit commander and take the lead of all of the other spouses by getting my own immunization shot and support my husband from the comfort of my home or anywhere else I choose to be.

The FRG is a Commander's program that is required from the State. Our Commander hasn't displayed the support needed to keep the FRG moving forward. When a the leadership doesn't care the unit won't care. Such is life and such is the way it is.

So...I'm hanging it up and walking away - it actually makes me giddy!

Do I feel guilty that the FRG will be drifting in the wind until someone steps up?

Nope!

Hmmm...

When Rich is gone on a business trip I don't sleep well. When he doesn't call me or answer my call to check in before bed ... I don't sleep well.

Just sayin'

Peace

Random thoughts after a (ok....3 cocktails) cocktail

As I sit on the deck by the outdoor chimney, a little tipsey...I can't help but think/say the following to my husband:

Long distance grandparenting sucks...it really does!

Do you think Jake and Annie (our dogs) have sex when we are at work?

Our neighbor's backyard is a tree whore house...5 pine trees, 1 dogwood, 2 cedars, 1 unknown to me tree..and a couple of others lurking over the fence.

It sucks not having parents.

Why did we raise our kids to be independent. .to find themselves..to get to out of "here"..? ???  For once they listened.  Who is going to care for us when we get older and can't do for ourselves? We didn't think that through!

This is my 3rd..ok..4th Segrams with Crystal Light Mohito...my husband looks afraid that I am formulating a blog post.

Our neighbor on the other side of us is a Rocket Scientist Engineer...and a doomsdayer...we are screwed when shit hits the fan cause he's not sharing.

I Love listening to "classic" music from the 70's and 80's.

Wanna go have sex? (Rich wrote that...gotta go)

Peace!

Love these moment....

I'm siting here on the sofa. My husband in lying beside me, his head resting on a pillow against my leg. He is resting so soundly ... his nap before bedtime. This is the nightly routine I love so much and missed when he was deployed. Yet, this time it's different.

This time..

He is sleeping.


Resting.

Deeply.

Sweetly.

But this time..

THIS time...

He has the damn remote in his hand..

On the GOLF channel.

Peace!

Ooopppss...

Kids...divert Your eyes...Mama has to blog this:

Tonight.

Watching TV.

 Husband and I are sitting on separate couches. I stand up...walk over to stand in front of him and in a semi-authoritative voice declare.............

Me (to Rich): Okay, I have not been able to sleep lately. Doesn't matter if I take a Benedryl or Melatonin...I am restless. When I sleep it is restless and little - and I dream about sex. It's been a while....take your pick - tonight or tomorrow morning. I don't care. Bells and whistles or just do it but I have got to get this out of my system so I can start getting some sleep".

Husband: (Looks at me with a shocked look). Okay

We keep watching TV.

4 minutes later - Our youngest son comes in from the upper deck where he has been grilling - right outside the livingroom - windows are open. He doesn't speak or make eye contact.

Me: "You could have reminded me that he was out on the deck...."

Husband: "That's probably why he didn't say anything...."

My Life.

Peace

REVISED...45 min later.."ok Honey..what's it gonna be?"
Him: " I guess I will use the energy tonight.."
Me: (feeling so wanted)...hmmmmp

10 min later: 

Me: "nevermind...I just took 2 melatonin"

Yeah..story of my life

Amazing Love

I remember how amazing it felt to be a new Mom..and how amazing it was to hold my little ones..watch them change from babies to toddlers. I felt invinsible because of them..so loved and so much love.

Then they grew up to be teenagers..then adults.

I get to relive it all through my grandchildren now.

This is love...

One Piece at a Time

For 3 years I have felt like "I" was broken into many different pieces...I just couldn't begin to reconcile myself enough to put the pieces back together to find me again. It wasn't until recently that my delayed grief became too much to handle and I turned to a professional for help.

I digress..what I mean by 'delayed grief' is: Mom and Dad were buried Jan 3, 2010. I didn't get a chance  to even start grieving for them when Rich started deployment. I was full-on in "go mode" - on auto-pilot taking care of my parents' affairs and my own with Rich gone...my youngest son moved away to California, my daughter moved away briefly, my oldest son got married, my best friend started back to college and all but disappeared, and my faith was totally depleted. I spent 2010 feeling alone in stunned shock and I didn't have the time or ability to grieve the loss of any of them. 

2011 brought my husband home safely. We spent months excited and feeling our way through reintegration  We stuck together like glue, traveled some, relished in the newness yet familiar feel of 'us'. Underneath the thrill the grief I didn't experience in 2010/2011 had turned to a seething bitterness somehow towards my parents for dying, my best friend, my husband for leaving me, my God for taking everyone, my work-mates, the blue skies and the flowers. I became someone I didn't recognize because the person I was before my parents died no longer existed. Once Rich came home I didn't think (too much) about grief...I was just damn happy again! In late October we attended a deployment ceremony for a friend; starting a roller coaster of grief that I couldn't stop. I began to remember and grieve for my husband's deployment, although he had been home more than year. I grieved for the day he left, the 365 he was gone and I was alone. I grieved for the days I woke only to get through the day so I could go back to sleep. My Mom and Dad were gone, he was gone. I cried for the weeks ...those long damn weeks - the weekends...for the Sundays. 

Once the dam had been breached on my grief  it snowballed through 2012 and then into early 2013 until I hit  the 'wall'. I hit the point where I could no longer ignore or control my crying, my sadness, the sense of utter despair and loss, the bitter taste in my heart. The grief from 2 years prior had finally hit me and it completely wiped me out before I could see it coming. I-could-not-function.

Somehow Military One Source unknowingly paired me with just the right grief counselor. A counselor who is a Vietnam Veteran, a Christian (and I think elder or minister), and someone that truly 'gets it'. It's been 3 weeks (3 visits) and I feel like last week I made a huge break-through in the grief surrounding my parents deaths. He was able to help me reconcile the loss Biblically and in terms that I could understand. I haven't cried in a week over the loss of them...I haven't even felt 'sad'... I feel like I am finally moving from the Anger stage of Grief into Acceptance.

I realize this is a long post - but then again, it is my blog!

Peace!

MOS to the Rescue!

It's no secret that a series of event over the last 3 years has played the mambo with my emotional well-being. It has only been in the past year that the built-up and repressed sense of grief and loss that I had been stuffing down - from a variety of situations, big and small - began to fill me up so quickly and surprisingly that I've struggled to put all of the shattered pieces on "Me" back together. One recent event was one drop too much and I started to spill over ~ I could no longer control the intense and overwhelming sadness and tears. I even missed a day of work last week because I could not stop crying and could not bring myself to leave my house.

I knew the time had come...I spent days going over my Company's benefits for counseling, making calls, and crying. In the end I found out that my company does not offer a reasonable benefit for counseling services. I was a desperate mess and knew that I had reached the end of what made me functional. My ability to 'fake' being in control and put together was all gone.

I then remembered Military One Source. I called. I struggle through getting my words out to the counseling assistant support; I didn't know where to begin or where to end. I just spilled it and let her try and make sense out of what I was saying. In the end I was given 12 FREE visits to a local counselor. If after 2 visits I don't feel that there is a 'connection' I need only to call MOS back and they will find another one and my 12 visits starts all over.

My first appointment was yesterday. It went well. I feel that I have been matched with just the right counselor who understands each broken piece and will help me figure out how to put Me back together.

Peace

Hope in Tomorrow

I haven't blogged since the 5th...I have not had the words, energy or drive to put into written word what is going on inside my head..my heart...

I am no longer comfortable confiding in those closest to me, other than Rich, to talk about what is really there...so I don't. I wear him out making him my best friend, my confidant, my everything. The burden is so heavy that I try to not talk to him very much... it is not fair to my husband. Without a close network of friends to talk to... Really talk to.. I tend to rely too much on Rich to help me through the rough times more than he signed up for.

Tomorrow I begin a journey into long awaited (and needed) counseling.

Peace

It Will Pass

I have been choked for three days now.

Grief

Loss

Lonliness (even among a crowd)

Lost

All I can do is cry.
I cried all day at work yesterday.
I cried myself to sleep last night and cried myself awake.

The thought of going to work and interacting with anyone was too overwhelming today - I am literally working remote.

I don't want to talk about it - there are no words right now to say or hear.

Unless you are me...you won't understand.

It will pass.

It will pass.

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

Well....it was actually Mr. & Mrs. Smith...umm.. really it was SFC and Mrs. Richardson...but in the end we all went to Washington to attend the Commander-in-Chief Inaugural Ball.

"So, how was it"?

That seems to be the question of the day/week/month.

First, let me say we looked just A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! See.....

Told ya!!

So..back to "The Ball".

Ehhhh.

It was great to get dressed up. My opinions of the event are mine alone so I won't tolerate any snarkiness....

We had a great hotel (and location downtown) so walking 5 blocks to the convention center in 4 1/2 inch heels wasn't THAT bad. We breezed through Secret Security without a hitch and into the venue. Lines...lines! We opted not to check my coat and head upstairs; after all..I will just hang it over my chair. Uh...NO. There were no chairs! As a matter of fact..there were no tables. Had I known it was a stand-up meeting I would have worn something more comfortable. (There was a section for Wounded Warriors and their guest to one side with table and chair - perfectly necessary - had there been a need to give up my chair to a wounded warrior I no doubt would have in a split-second).

FOOD: There were two food table (I use the word "food" very loosely). Since the ball was held during dinner hours one would assume that there would be food. Again...NO. Very amateurish finger food/snacks: Pretzels, Chex-mix, tiny cheese chunks with crackers, spinach dip with empty bowls that did house pita chips for a second, meager vegetable tray and ranch dip...You get the idea! Very cheaply done! From the expression and remarks of those around us in line..Rich and I were not the only ones taken aback by the display.

Back to the 'no table, no chairs' - it was pitiful to see women dressed in beautiful ball gowns, soldiers of all ranks...propped up on walls or sitting on the floor to eat. I opted to not sit on the floor and removed my shoes to stand more comfortably. This was totally not acceptable and was a dishonor to our servicemembers and guests! A convention center of that size and magnitude surely had ample seating somewhere.

At 7:30 Brad Paisley started singing. There was not an emcee or program to let anyone know what or who to expect. He sang two songs, then it was walk around and around...waiting for anything to happen. After a considerable time the SGT Majors from all branches welcomed everyone and spoke a few words of gratitude and support. Then..more silence...at some point Alicia Keys sang a song, then about 10pm Jennifer Hudson sang and the President came out. Then the First Lady joined him in a dance...then  they each danced with a soldier. Once they left...more silence.

After about 20 minutes of standing there wondering if that was "it", Rich and and  ~ along with  MANY soldiers/guest, left. Again...no emcee or program. One would assume that it was over after the President said "Good Night and God Bless America". I hear sometime through the evening there were other speakers, dances and musicians. Rich and I hurried back to the hotel, changed and hit the sidewalks in search of any restaurant still open to feed us! I found a Ruby Tuesdays with 30 minutes to spare.

We couldn't help but wonder what the Other ball was like. The one with the glitz and glamour of celebrities...the one where tickets cost $120 - $1675 each to attend. We speculate (no proof mind you) that the Other ball had tables, chairs, food, decorations and an agenda. We felt that since the CIC Ball was Free...we got what we paid for. It was a letdown.

Oh the picture?? I have attended several Parties/Balls/Galas in my life. Usually there is a photographer poised to take your picture (for a nominal fee) in front of a photo-op. Rich and I stood in the picture line to find there was not a photographer. It was just a photo-op where you took the picture of the next couple in line using their digital camera..and they took yours.

While we were grateful for the nomination and selection...the opportunity to attend, grateful for our first trip to DC..we would definitely not go back to a CIC Ball if ever given the chance again.

Peace!

Frustrating!!!!!!!

The Presidential Inauguration is on Mon. Jan 21. with the Commander-in-Chief Inaugral Ball to follow that evening. The US Military services were allotted 1465 tickets (pairs) for Servicemembers and their guest to attend the Ball. Those tickets were distributed throughout the various Branches of Service (Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Cost Guard). The Army was allotted 560 (pairs) tickets with the National Guard receiving 180. Each command had to nominate a Soldier that epitomizes the core values of the ANG. Within Rich's rank structure (E-7-E-9) their were 18 tickets allotted throughout the United States.

We knew that Rich (and I) had been nominated but what were the odds??? 18 tickets across the United States??? Well, Rich got the call YESTERDAY - 5 DAYS BEFORE THE EVENT that he had been selected to attend with his spouse - ME! There are OFFICIAL "tickets"/invitation with OUR names on them in Washington, DC!

We went into shock and panic mode rather quickly, as did the State NG - they never expected that an Alabama National Guardsman would be selected. Montgomery went into panic mode as to where the money would come from to pay for this?? Back and forth...back and forth they went.In the meantime I found a dress that is appropriate for the occasion ($250, bought it so it can be altered and ready in time.

We went ahead and booked a hotel in DC within the per diem rate...and waited.

Today we found out that the NG would not put me on travel orders with Rich and we would have to pay for my airline ticket (they went ahead and booked his for $800) if I was to attend with him. There is NO WAY in HELL that Rich would go with out me....his words - not mine. Rich called the airline to book and found an airline reservation for me  will cost $1750! Talk about a HUGE halt in everything. We certainly cannot justify that much for an airline ticket...even for the occasion....even is we could get the ticket at the military rate it would still be a stretch...doable but a stretch!

So tomorrow Rich will make another attempt with his unit/State NG Bureau. We are looking at just making the 10-12 hour drive instead..it just boggles our mind; although we both know not to think anything will go smoothly when dealing with the military.

Grrrrrr...fortunately Rich and I travel well together!

Peace!

I Have a Confession

No...it's not a deep down and dirty confession.. but a confession just the same.

I have a weakness for....

A love for....

Something...something bad...

I love...

CEREAL!!!!

Sugary, sweet, crunchy...Cereal!

I am southern and I love breakfast. Give me some eggs, grits and bacon and I am a happy girl. But lurking behind this 46 year old exterior is an 11 year old that looooves cereal!

Captain Crunch!
Cookie Crisp!
Life!
Mini Wheats!
Count Chocula, Boo Berry, Frankenberry!
Coco Puffs


I could eat cereal just about anytime of the day or evening. I actual had a bowl of Captain Crunch just before bedtime the other night. Yes, yes I did!

We buy Cheerios and Raisin Bran mostly....you know for our health and well-being. But recently we bought Captain Crunch as a recipe ingredient. When I open the pantry door the Captain calls my name "Renee my sweet, I'm waiting for you". Damn that man! I can't resist him!

He led me down the wrong path...the grocery aisle...to purchase Life cereal. I fear what will be next..Honeycomb! Apple Jacks!Fruit Loops!

Oh my!

A slippery slope I am on........

Peace!

Goodbye..Such a sad feeling

It's 4:30am on Saturday. The house is quiet. Rich has just gone to to the gym in preparation for another day of drill. I have muffins baking in the oven.

Soon I will hear the stirring of my only daughter and her husband as they begin to begin their day. Having been home for two months (during most of the winter out West), they will wave goodbye and drive off in their loaded down car back to New Mexico.

As parents, Rich & I worked so hard to help our children grow and become independent, well-adjusted and mature adults. To take life and LIVE it ... to "get out of here" and experience what the World has to offer. We never wanted our children to be afraid to try...afraid to fly. We wanted them to find their happiness and never let my husband and I be the reason they didn't.. the reason they stayed...the reason they regretted. To love and be loved.  

It stinks to get it right! There is always a price to pay. 
 
I tell myself one day it will get easier to watch them leave but I just can't believe that lie...it leaves me sad and empty each and every time.

 Peace

Same Place..Not Again

I looked back over my blog from about this time last year...bad idea! I had such hopes and dreams about getting fit and healthy..doing new things..make new friends..enjoy new adventures - wine tour, learn to play golf, travel (even locally) - try new restaurants (Diner's Drive-in and Dives), cook more ..drink less..Facebook less and Blog more.

I'm in the exact same place I was then....I kinda feel like a huge loser about right now!

What the hell happened??

I know what will NOT happen...I will NOT sit here at my kitchen table this time next year and type these same words!

Forward March!

Peace!

Oh Baby - and other news

It's January 2nd and already the year has brought about some great (and bittersweet) changes!

This amazing couple:

and Parents to this Beautiful little person (Evie):

are going to be the parents to a little BOY in May!!!

To add to the family changes, Josh has been selected for the AGR program and is taking a full-time slot in Auburn. He has been working a temporary full-time position locally since last Summer. With the return of his unit in a few months looming, he would go back to a regular NG Soldier and looking for a full-time job in the civilian world. It's not an easy task right now...so Josh has been applying ans interviewing for slots all over Alabama.

We are very excited about this opportunity for Josh and his family, however we are are saddened that they will be moving 4 hours away.

Peace!

It's a New Year Alright!

2013!  Who would've thunk?

It's hard to believe that a whole year had ended and a new year has begun. Just like that - in the snap of a finger. I'm sure I didn't do all that I wanted to do...resolved to do...hoped I'd do ...in 2012. I'm just as positive that I will - or won't - do the same for 2013.

Resolutions I WON't make because I KNOW I will break them:

1. Grieve less. I always think I will conquer this one..but I'm only lying to myself.

2. Lose weight. Not gonna happen! For many months I have (1) eaten less, (2) eaten healthy, (3) juiced, (4) become more active, (5) watched my weight....at the end of each day I am still the exact same weight. What does that tell me?? My body is comfortable at the weight I am at and I need to embrace it and love myself anyway!

3. I will value my friendships more and make time for my friends. Um...doubtful. If 2012 has taught me ANYTHING..it's that I know who my friends are..the ones that stick and the ones that are here by situation. I know who I can count on when the chips are down and who I can reach out to when I am crumbled on the floor in despair. "Best" friends have proven to be not so..and "true' friends have shown their true colors.

4. Learn something new. I learned a lot in 2012 but nothing like I would have expected. Let me put this in writing....I will learn something new this year. A language. A look. A place. A skills. A recreation. Something....

5. Save money. Who was I kidding last year with that one?I think I have 5.75 in my personal savings and $100 til payday. Granted...Rich and I have a joint accounts that I do not look at or focus on..I only keep up with MY account. I also bought 85% of Christmas for our 4 kid, 4 spouses, 2 grandchildren, husband with my account....so I guess that says something.

There are a few things I will strive for this year:

1. To spend my time with those that matter the most..the people that have my back..and love me despite myself - my family

2. To focus less on outside friendships/relationships and to STOP chasing them!

3. To use my portion of my pay to enhance the life I have been given.

4. To love myself and stop thinking I am not enough for myself or anyone.

Peace!