One This Day

Sometime in the morning of December 29, 2009, my mother took her last breath. I will never, ever, ever forget that morning - each second replays in my head like an 8 mm filmstrip. There are dark nights when I want to push the STOP button and make the visions and voices in my head cease - I want to simply forget that morning and live as if it never happened.

Five years. I can't believe it has been five years. She was my sunshine, my sparkle, my glitter, and my very best friend. My Mother, my Mom, my Mama. She taught me to laugh, to find joy in the smallest things - that silver lining. She taught me to love makeup, Jesus and sequins. She sang "Rock of Ages", "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Thank You Lord For Your Blessings On Me" like an Angel, and learned to play "The little bunny, he hops" (or was it a frog??) on the old piano. She took belly-dancing lessons in the 70's, sported a hot-pink bikini, and jeggings in the 80's. She loved with every part of her and was stronger than any woman I have ever known in my lifetime! She is the best part of who I am today.

I miss her..her voice, her laugh (oh, her laugh), the way she would cock her head and shrug her shoulder at something absurd that my Dad said, the way she left his absurdity roll off. I miss sitting around her table on Royal Avenue and drinking coffee until our blue eyes turned brown.... the endless talking. I miss her lips on mine as she kissed me hello and good bye. God knows how I miss her!

Five year. Too many days have passed since this day long ago. I am not the same person without her - but I'm better now because of her.

Peace

Great Expectation

One of the most difficult part about being a parent is being a parent to adults.  When children are small and growing up Christmas is a magical time.  We rocked around the Christmas tree,  drank hot chocolate on Christmas eve,  drove around looking at Christmas lights and had our little family traditions. Christmas morning began with a breakfast and the annual destruction of colorful wrapping paper - then sometimes or children left for other family events.  Still, those Christmas times were sacred.

As children do. ...they grow up, have families of their own and begin their own traditions. Our family Christmas Carol has changed from "I'll Be Home for Christmas " to "Please Come Home for  Christmas". This growth  of our children can...and does... sting my heart, but I know that it's just me trying to hang one to the old traditions and attempting to recapture that feeling of those early years as a family. In truth, our family is not the same. Our children have spouses and children of their own.  They are playing their own balancing act between my husband and I, their own family, and the families of their spouses. I remember that feeling and am utterly ashamed that, not only have I placed an unrealistic expectation on myself but on our children also.

This year.... from this moment on... I vow to myself to just let it go and give or children a gift that can't be bought. ..the gift of respect and emotional space to decide how they want to spend the holiday.  The freedom to be where they want to be without my pride and visions of the past preventing me (and them) from accepting this new opportunity to celebrate the holiday with peaceful hearts.

I love want my children to know that I love them,  that I look forward to their visits, and am grateful  for our time together.

The time  we all have with those we love never seems to be enough and never ceases to be precious.  Instead of grieving my dashed expectations I want to savor those moments we do share,  however  brief or  imperfect they may be.

Peace

You Don't Say?

I have learned first hand that eating healthy is hazardous to my health! It doesn't matter that my version of eating healthy consists of whole grain breads instead of white bread, dropped the creamer from my coffee regimen, and only choose to eat the darkest chocolate because I read that it was good for my heart. - oh, and also to keep my ticker ticking...red wine. So, I'm on the right track!

A couple of nights ago I sat down to eat a little hard, multi-grain roll with spinach (vegetable), muenster cheese (dairy) and two thin slices of fresh deli Turkey (protein) - the kettle chips were only there for crunch and balance, I swear!. So after the first bite I felt something 'crunchy' that should have been there. No....not a bug or anything gross...just my tooth!

Seriously??

The front of my front tooth just chipped off...how odd was that? At first I didn't realize what had happened until my bottom lip felt - odd - against my teeth. Further inspection left me stunned. WTH happened? That tooth had always had a tiny discoloration since I was little (say, may 6-8'ish). My older brother told me I got a piece of hominy corn seed stuck in there and I swear, I believed him for years. Still, I always wondered why it was there.

So I went to the dentist this morning and after close examination he went on to explain that sometimes fillings just come off. WHHHHAAAAT? Excuse me Mr. Dr. Dental guy who went to Dentistry school and all that....you are horribly mistaken. I didn't have a filling there! My tooth just broke off. He looked at me and said....Mrs. Smarty-pants Patient with a broken tooth in your mouth...if you look at your x-rays, you can clearly see that that tooth had been broken and filled. And...the tooth next to it too.....so there! The teeth do not tell lies! Check Mate!! Now open wide!

As he goes to work fixing my tooth, in between the spackling going on in my mouth and watching a house moving show on TV,  I lay there searching through my memory bank of having broken my tooth and had it repaired. I came up with nothing! How can that happen about 40 years ago and I have no memory recall of such a significant event? What about the hominy corn seed? Was that just a lie too? If that was a lie...I'm sure that the water tanks really aren't where 'they' keep grits!

I left the dentist with a 'new' front panel. One that I hope lasts at least 40 years like the last one. It's one of those moments when I wanted to call my Mother and have her tell me the truth.

Isn't that the craziest thing you have heard all day??? It just goes to proves that kids don't often remember everything, and that no matter how old you are - you can still be surprised by your childhood.

Peace!

In My Dreams

I think I may be the only one of my siblings that called our Mom, "Mother". I'm not sure why I called her 'Mother" or when I even started. I just did - in a loving, respectful way.

I had a long dream last night and I couldn't find her. I caught a glimpse of her in a crowd. I yelled for her ... "MOTHER"...and I ran to her. But in the chaos of the crowd I lost her. I spent the whole dream moving between what seemed to be a mixture of a mall and the floors of an ocean liner (of which I have never been on), looking for her and calling out "MOTHER". I cried, I begged for anyone to tell me they had seen her. "yes, just a few minutes ago", or "on one floor up/down". I ran...and ran...calling her. I found her in the end, for just a few minutes and she went away again. I knew I would never find her a second time.

Several weeks ago I had a dream about my Dad. He was sick and wondering around. I walked the streets, knocked on doors, crying and looking for my Dad. I described him to strangers, showed pictures to people in stores and restaurants. He was sick and out there...I needed to find him. I was emotionally drained...in the dream and in my dark bedroom during the dream. In the end  I found my Dad...he was healed and his mind clear. But he couldn't stay and had to leave.

It's been almost five years since they left. For the first few years I did not dream. At. All. Nothing. Now they come in waves. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not. Both ways are draining.... and painful.

Peace.

Protection

Did you know that when you hide your feelings to protect someone from getting/being hurt....they get hurt in the end anyway? Except, not from the actual event, but because the person he/she/they are trying to protect is not valued enough...not worth enough for the truth.

Talk to the Elbow....

Cause the hand's not listening.

Well, it can hear ya, but it/they hurts.

In the past 5 weeks I have gone through carpal tunnel release surgery on both hands. The right hand first...followed by the left (last week). It's amazing how instantly the numbness, tingling and pain that kept me awake nightly and slowed done my routine, disappeared. The surgeries went well, but not without a great deal of discomfort.

After the right hand was done I had difficulty doing routine, simple things with only my left hand...from applying makeup, shaving my legs to wiping my fanny. The latter took WEEKS before I could use my right hand to accomplish that task!!!

Then the left hand. Since it is not my dominate hand, I haven't found much that I have difficulty with. However, the pain is a great more intense; I still have pain in my right palm too where the nerves are still freaked out; so together even the simple task of moving the covers off of me are difficult.

I drove for the first time the other day and it was a sad sad sight. I didn't realize just how much flexibility and strength I needed to turn the steering wheel - both of which, I don't yet have.

All in all....I am glad that I had the surgeries done after so many years of pain. And I am sure glad that I don't have a third hand!

Peace.

SNAP

Life changes in a 'snap'. Before you know it, the life that you live....that you know....that you feel - changes in a snap.

SNAP.


Peace.

Snips and Snails....

It has been a long time, a coons age really, since I have had a little boy in the house. My great - nephew is 6 and all that little boys are... or should be. He is chatty, inquisitive, rambunctious,  full of energy (sly as a fox) - snips and snails and puppy dog tails. In all that I know and love about that little guy, while folding laundry, I noticed that I forgot to empty his pockets.....I reached in and.....

Just about wet my pants.

Peace!

Note to Self - I AM

Enough.

I am ENOUGH.

I am ENOUGH.

I've been told that I have a dull, boring style. I am the size that I am...no more, no less.  I have wrinkles and skin where it shouldn't be. I don't have a 'thigh gap'. I have grey hair mixed in with a hundred other shades. My nose is crooked...and runs A-L-O-T. I have a nickel-size age spot on my right cheek. I have a double chin that sometimes looks like a triple. I'm short....sometimes squatty-looking. I don't tan, my skin is pale. My butt is big and flabby, my hips are wide. I cannot do a pushup or run a mile. I am often clumsy and uncoordinated.

So, the hell, What?

I am beautiful in my own quirky way. I am sincere, compassionate, generous, nurturing, and sometimes funny & witty. I am loyal. I am loving. My eyes are my best feature. I love to smile and make others smile. I love with my whole heart without any conditions. I am a great 'down home' cook and I can throw a party together with pretzel sticks and cheese-its! I pray for others and I thank God for my life every single day. I am a good friend (always could be better), a great Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Aunt....I have friends and loved ones that love me just the way that I am....right down to my grey underwear! I have a husband who loves me with each passing day.

I would not have any friends if I talked to them, or about them, the way I do about myself. I allow what others may perceive about me....think about me....feel about me....to cause me to loose sight of the beautiful unique person that my God made me to be. I am guilty of weaving critical words into a whole blanket that covers my thoughts, feels, sleep, self-esteem and worth. I shed tears of self-loathing because I don't feel 'enough'. When the truth is.... I am!




Damn it! I am ENOUGH.

Peace!

What Not to Wear

My sister inherited our Mother's  amazing style....I inherited her ability to host, nurture and laugh at everything. My style is.....umm,  as my sister told me once...boring. Matronly, is the word I think she used. Well,  she also used the words dull and boring too. Her brutal honesty is a gift from our Dad.
While Rhonda is the shining star in the room and her sense of style is amazing, I am a wallflower next to her. Like Mama, she pulls off bright, flashy, sparkly, fresh clothes.....all colors of the rainbow - sometimes at the same time!

Me? Solid colors...mostly gray. Even my nine year niece told me today when I brought home a new black  skirt, `Aunt Renee, you have lots of those skirts already. That's all you wear every day'. I tried to reason with her that I mix things up, and my navy skirts wasn't black....that I work in a professional office (she rolled her eyes at me). When I can't convince  a 9 year old...I need help!

I'm a plain Jane.

Peace

Changed in a Moment

I changed someone's life today.

I am an HR Manager - that is my job and who I am. I deal with the good, the bad and the absurdity that sometimes comes with the workplace and employees.

Today. I sat down, looked someone in the eye - and changed their life. In a few words I ended their employment, effective immediately. I followed my protocol so gently and professionally - yet, the blow was still a blow.

Then. I went to my office and cried.

People often think that those in my chosen profession have no heart...we are stoic...firm...unyielding...even uncaring. That we can't possible understand what employees go through.

While that may be try for some, it's not true for most. We hurt, we feel, we grieve decisions that we cannot control or prevent, we are employees.

We are people too.

Peace.

The Sound of Butterfly Wings

Sitting on the deck this morning I hear the sound from the trees as the brisk Fall wind rustles the branches. Wrapped in my house coat, I lay my head against my chair and close my eyes. Enjoying the peacefulness of the moment. The wind, thick with the hint of rain, reaches me....covers me. The butterfly windchime begins to play a haunting symphony. The music drowns the wind....I listen to the beautiful song from butterfly wings.

Somewhere in the melody You are there. I don't know when I started to cry but the tears fall with each tickle of sound.  I remember and my heart breaks. 

Mama,  you were the sound that butterfly wings make.

I miss you so much.

Peace

Be Cautious

When your handsome husband ask what your plans are for the day. ... be very cautious. Choose your words very carefully.
You may find yourself on an early morning Home Depot run, planting 10 Japanese boxwoods,  spreading 15 large bags of mulch, and topping it off with loading wood onto a wood holding bench. The rest of the day will be spent resting your wearing bones with a splash of a nap.

Peace.

Dear You

I was wrong.

I'm so sorry.

Friendships come - they go. Some last for a brief season while other's share many, many seasons together throughout a life time. It doesn't have to be an all-consuming, all or nothing, or let's talk every single day, kind of relationship. It's the moments that we are together - whether in body or spirit - that count the most.

Time, distance and life happened along the years. I felt inadequate to be the friend I 'thought' you needed in your life now - not realizing the friend I could be, was all you expected me to be. Instead of running from our differences I should have stood on our common ground and hung on.

I was wrong.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't fight for our friendship. I let it end without fighting instead of saying:

"I was wrong. I'm so sorry. Let's get together face-to-face and let me tell you about my insecurities and you tell me what an ass I am for feeling that way. I'm not perfect  - and as your friend, I will hurt you. As my friend, you will hurt me. Neither will do it meliciously or intentionally - but it will happen.....it did happen. This isn't the end, only life and friendship. It's okay - I love you anyway!"

I failed you and I failed us.

What I want to tell you now is:

"I was wrong. I'm so sorry"

I'm just sorry for the way it ended.
Peace

Reading to You

I love riding in the car next to you as you drive us far from home. You say that I'm a figgiter...you totally have me pegged.

You remark at how I spend the first 20 minutes of any trip getting settled in.... rearranging my trip essentials, applying lipstick, looking for my phone, blowing my nose, and fiddling with the radio.

As the miles stretch out in front of us and the crackle of the radio hums, I love putting my bare feet on the dash...toes on the windshield...and reading the news, blogs, Facebook...
out loud
to
you.

Peace

One Sleep and 5 Hours

Tomorrow morning I will fill up my tank and head South. Just about as far south in Alabama that you can get without slipping into Florida. It is is a little town...just a map dot...where I will gather with family to honor the life of my Aunt Margaret. The Angels carried her on their wings, shouting praises, at 7 pm last night to suffer more.

My Aunt Laura asked me a few minutes ago if I was sure I was up to the trip. A trip that takes me back among my Mother's people. To the place I was born, as did my parents. Where we ran amok with our cousins on hot Alabama days and talked like robots through window fans at night.

I told her that I may not be ready but that I will always stand in the gap that my Mother left.

Peace.

A Blessing in the Rear View Window

It has taken me 4 1/2 long years to see the Blessing in the timing and way that my parents died. Although it was devastating, shocking, and extremely unfair, my family & I did not have to painstakingly watch either of my parents die. We didn't have to make decisions for them to prolong life or prevent death. There wasn't a plug to be unplugged or a machine to turn off. 

They were just 

Gone. 

As the days and nights become longer than the given 24 hours, my cousins, Uncle and Aunt, remain trapped in a seemingly endless roller coaster that teeters on the edge of life and death. I cannot imagine the torture of a minute-by-minute vigil. Praying for life while also pleading for death to show mercy and end the suffering. My Aunt's body is ready but her mind is still alert enough to continue to fight...to plead for one more chance...one more procedure...on more breath...one more day. My Uncle grasps at each and every second to hold on to her; unable to accept what is happening and that he won't take her home again.

I wonder...what would I do if in my Aunt's situation - my mind is alert but I know the body is failing. The end is near but not close enough to end my suffering. Would I make the decision to let go of the hands of my husband, children, grandchildren - or would I continue to fight against the current for that one more time? With mercy, I pray for the decision to be taken from the hands of myself and my loved ones....the same prayer I pray for my Aunt.

There is no right or wrong here. 

Only life and death - which are really the same thing.

Peace.

Harder Than I Thought

My aunt is dying. My Mother's youngest sister. I thought since I didn't live near her or talk with her on a regular basis, that it wouldn't hurt so deep. I was wrong. The end of her life is nearing. My heart and stomach clinch in grief and I feel saddened for my cousins and Uncle. Since Mom and Dad died I put up this wall of strength towards death and dying. I lived through that trauma, nothing could hurt me as deeply after that. I became synical and unsympathetic, while at the same time not looking at death as personal any longer. Until now. It is personal..... it does hurt....it is here and I don't want to feel it.

Peace

Sleeping on the Couch

I remember when I was a kid that getting to sleep on the couch was the biggest treat of all treats! It was like playing hooky at bedtime... until I woke to see our friendly house ghost one dark night. Eeeeekkk! The first of several personal encounters with her.

Moving On.

So, a couple of years ago, following a surgery, I slept on the couch for almost 3 months. Having a sectional sofa made it easy for Rich to sleep with me. We got some awesome winks during those months. In the evenings, while watching TV, Rich lays down on our comfy sofa to catch a pre-bed nap - that man can drop off to sleep like a stone off of a cliff.

Last night the opportunity arose where we were almost giddy to sleep on the sofa again. Except this time....it wasn't near as much fun or comfortable. After about 2 hours of the restlessness my husband reached out, touched me on the head and said the SWEETEST most loving words E-V-E-R -

"You ready to go get in our bed"?

Yep - lead the way!

Settling into our bed was like slipping into our own little piece of heaven. As I settled in to being the little spoon, my husband slipped his arms around me and I whispered.

"Let's save sofa sleeping for times of surgery and night-time tv"

Peace

A Night To Remember

Well, if we could remember it.

Pook and I embarked our our first free weekend in 6 weeks, yesterday in typical "us" fashion. He worked on projects in the yard and I got head down and elbows up in house cleaning. That's just how we roll!

After getting cleaned and gussied up we head to 'town' with the intent to see a movie and grab some dinner. The movie was sold out (He wanted to see "Into the Storm" - seriously, when you live in tornado alley and have witnessed first hand the destruction they can do....why spend money to watch it a a theater???) so we took ourselves to our favorite Mexican restaurant. There we had a couple of drinks...well, I did - Rich, ummm...a couple more than necessary. The DJ/Singer had the place rocking - before we knew it we were joining a group of other patrons as they danced. Mind you....this is a restaurant...not a club, no dance floor. At some point we headed home with me behind the wheel. Having switched to Sprite during the evening, I followed the road to home. Rich went face down on the bed as soon as we got home - getting up once to go to the bathroom.

All I can say is that the night ended with a broken toilet and a fountain of water pouring from the tank. I cleaned up the mess, turned off the water and went to bed.

Rich woke up this morning wondering how we got home (I drove), did we pay the bill last night (yes, I called the restaurant to make sure), what did he do to the toilet (no idea) and pretty sure he tipped the bartender $80 (he only had $20 left in his wallet) - or he paid cash instead of with his card.

So, this is what happens when we wander out unsupervised on a Saturday night. I'm pretty sure he will not be getting out of bed today.

Peace

Breaking Bad ....

Habits.

I have a serious spending habit.  Not in a "I-can't-stop-myself" habit of shopping/spending, but in a "I spend a freaking lot of money in general". As I lay in bed other night thinking about finances, I actually thought the words "maybe I should get a second job".  WTH? 

I've worked many years to get to the professional level that I have achieved. I make good money and work my fanny off in a full-time job. The last thing I want to do is give up my free time and family time to work another job.  

I have a better idea. How about I just stop slow down the money leak?

Rich and I had a long talk at lunch today about money, our future, where we are and where we want to be. We only (God willing) have 10-15 years left to retire and we have got to get a grip! I'm putting my paycheck on a diet.....a budget. At lunch today I handed over my one single plastic to my husband. I did....I almost broke out in a cold sweat! He looked STUNNED. Like I had just grown a third eye...or dyed my hair periwinkle! I NEVER use my debit card so that little card has been my comfort ~ my "I-need" avenue to a new lipstick (or four), or something frivolus for the kids or grandkids. Now I will be forced to wing it, actually walk in a store to pay cash for my gas, and spend more deliberately.

Yikes!

I think giving up smoking was easier than this will be! I am too much like my own mother (may God rest her sparkly soul!).

Wish me luck and a Zoloft!

Peace

My Fifty Shades of Gray

There is no sizzling,  erotic plot here.... in my version of "Fifty Shades of Gray". No one is blind-folded and led down the sordid path of pleasure. My version consist of the fifth shades of Gray that are talking over my hair color.  Almost a year ago I put chemical coloring on my hair for the last time. .... well,  for the last time until I can't stand it anymore.  I wanted to see what happens and what my "natural" hair color looks like at 48.

Right now I'm styling an ombre look until my fading highlights become distant memories.  It's been tough seeing the change but intriguing at the same time. Each week I look at the progression of blonde transitioning to a darker blonde.  Some days I'm confident that I'm making the right decision,  and other days I wonder what in hell was I thinking?! This weekend,  as I was brushing my hair for bed.....I saw what I had been looking for.  The dreaded gray. Streaks. ...gray,  white,  mixed together in this amazingly shocking pool of color.  When I pull my hair back it is distinct. .... obvious.  For two night I have stared at what has become of my hair and age.  Do I keep going and let nature do her thing?  Do I throw in the towel and fight this this with everything my hair stylist has in her arsenal? I'm not as confident as I once was and the decision is not as black and white. ...errrr...blonde or gray.

I always thought that one day I would have the most amazing silver color that I would cut into a cute sleek bob.  I would have confidence beyond me dreams and I would wear those silver strands with a sense of pride and wisdom.  Right now,  I am standing on shaking legs and jonesing for some foil!

PEACE

Noise, Chaos, Laughter...

The Richardson Boarding House is never lacking in energy! It seems to always fill up with people - whether for an extended stay or just a pop-in or two. With it comes the highest level of energy and chaos that anyone can imagine. Little feet (times 6), laughing, crying, giggling, fighting over toys and utter meltdowns are the things that make our house everyone's home. Right now...its quiet. The little ones have gone for a little while and Rich and I are relishing the peacefulness ...but finding ourselves bored of the silence.

All is well in my soul, my home, my life.

Peace

Why I Blog ~

I began my blogging journal at the beginning of a difficult season in my life. When I didn't feel I could lay my burdens, sorrow and grief on those around me who were going through the same emotions, I came across a random blog. That act of randomness introduced me to a way of being able to express myself without judgment or sympathy. I could cry on the shoulders of many who did not know me in 'real life' and lean on others who were willing to listen and share a virtual shoulder. As time passed I opened my journey to a tiny half-handful of people who I felt I could share my heart and my life. Even to this day, of all of the 'friends' on Facebook that I have, only less than a dozen know that I blog. Although it is a public place where I could turn to in a private way, I didn't want to open myself up to everyone I knew - I still don't. I felt comforted knowing that it was my own little place.

Over the years I have blogged about personal sadness, experiences (good and bad - and some horribly hysterical), frustrations, and a whole lot of nothingness - and I have been grateful for this little space in blogville that have.

I recently wrote about the renewal of dear friendships and my insecurities surrounding that. It was a tough thing to blog, but like other things I've blogged about - I can write the words better than I can speak them.  I lost someone who I considered a friend over that post. I didn't intend to - or want to, but it happened. I deleted the post although it doesn't change the outcome.

I blog because I can...because it's my outlet when friends aren't here or there, when it's midnight and I have something I want to say and no one to say it to. I blog when I can't find the words. Blogging is a very personal thing in a public place ~ but I choose to do it anyway. I blog for me...

Peace

You've Been Unfriended

A few days ago I realized that I had been 'unfriended' by a friend. Well, not a friend-friend, just a friend. At first I thought maybe I had inadvertently unfriended this person - or that I had said something to cause her to unfriend me. So, I sent her a private message:

Me: I hate that you unfriended me but I respect whatever led you to do that. I hope that your life continues to be richly blessed. Take care,

Her: Renee, I've had to make some tough decisions in my life the last several months, and honestly, I don't feel we have very much in common. I have a very few select true friends in my life because I hand picked them. I never really had a chance to get to know you, and I don't want to mislead you in any way. This isn't personal, honestly, I'm just being as open as I can. 

My first thought was - OUCH! Then I thanked her for her honesty and wished her well.  My second thought was...WOW that was brave, and honestly, I kind of admired her for unfriending me and then explaining why.

So, I took that approach and headed to my FRIENDS list. I looked at each person there and made some tough decisions myself. Clicking the 'unfriend' button was liberating and powerful. I let go of people that I truly did not know on a personal level. Gone where the people that I barely knew who wanted to add me and I didn't want to seem rude. As I clicked through I wondered if I would get a message in my inbox asking why...what would I say? Honesty maybe?

 So round one...complete. Round two is not too far away! If I kept only my true friends - I would only have 1% left.

Peace!

Justice Late = Not Delayed

A very dear friend of mine was murdered five years ago. There was FINALLY an arrest today! I know that often we long for swift justice, but justice delayed is thorough!

Peace

July in Alabama

July in Alabama = hotter 'n H - E- Double hockey sticks!

The humidity is so thick you can cut it with a knife!

You wouldn't think that it would be a surprise to us natives, but every day we wipe brows and bitch about the heat and humidity. We remark about how THIS is nothing compared to what August will bring. Lawd have mercy!!! We just can't get cool enough around here!

Alabama is one of the few states that run through the full spectrum of Four full seasons before lunch.... and again before supper time. I guess it's a perk, along with lightnin' bug, fields of cotton, grass greener than green, sweet tea, fried cornbread, and Piggy Wiggly! Southern living is an acquired taste and certainly not a one-size-fits - all kind of lifestyle.

It's an awesome experience to be from the South, where everyone is (mostly) friendly and generous to a fault.  We do wear shoes,  have higher educations and know when to sharpen or hide our southern drawl to fit the situation.  We can bless your heart and  cut you to shreds with our wit with a smile on our face.....and an outsider would never even catch it.

So, Southern 101......

Peace

The Love I Get

Rich and I hit the road yesterday at noon to Auburn. Four hours I'rm the pouring rain makes for a long boring trip. I read all the news I could find in my phone....out loud...and got caught up on Facebook, Twitter, email, and YouTube to keep us alert.

I can whole heartedly say that each rainy mile was worth it. We've had a day and a half with our sons, daughters-in-laws and grandchildren. It's been wonderful. Right now my husband and I are lying on a mattress on the livingroom floor with a little person between us. Her tiny hand reaches out to touch my arm every once in a while as she sleeps.

Yes, each mile is worth the love I feel right now and the love these kids and grandkids  give to me.

All is right in the whole right now!

Peace

Let's Do This Thing!

Hellllloooo????!!!!!

Do you ever just look back over the days, weeks, months and years and wonder where in hell the time went?? I do that All. The. Time! I find 'time' for a few things and never for others. Life moves at such a rapid pace that even in the 'down-times' it feels like all circuits are fully engaged. There's never enough time to maintain friendships, take up a craft/hobby, cook an amazing meal that involves an actual spread (with dessert), or just  sit and take a minute to blog.

If I spent as much time sitting down and formulating a blog post as I do reciting them in my head...well, my post count would be outrageous! I miss blogging and I miss reading blogs - both of which I don't take time to do very often. It's like an old friend that you promise to keep in touch with - all the while knowing you won't! Sad!

So, I am challenging myself.....ready???
I will post a blog every single day for ONE month! I KNOW......exciting isn't it? I can hardly wait to get started. Oh wait....I just did! I'm not going to start off this challenge with some lofty idea that my posts will be insightful or even remotely entertaining, but I am going to put something out there in the hopes that it becomes habit-forming and therapeutic!

So, please fasten your seatbelts folks and keep your hands inside the ride!

Peace!

Can You Hear Me Now?

I just watched a photo montage about the way we (Society)  communicate and spend time with each other in 2014. Through the reflection in my laptop screen I saw the words "GUILTY" and "LOSER"!

The video showed real life photo clips of people, groups, couples, parents with children. Instead of walking through the most beautiful gardens and admiring the flowers..she has her face planted on her phone.....there is a lovely baby in a stroller at the park - so cute - but his Dad is sitting on a bench with his nose in his phone messages, missing the opportunity to bond. That girl's night or date night you've been planning for weeks? Well, you look up to see your friends or partner looking at their phone... not engaging in conversation. It's time for lunch...oops...let me grab my cell phone and put it on the table just in case I get a text or call that is way more important than breathing in your space. Hang on...I'll be right there to lend a hand that you desperately need....as soon as I finish gathering corn in my make-believe app I downloaded from the PlayStore. Instead of holding hands...we hold our phones. Instead of talking to each other face-to-face, we put up the wall of a phone between us ~ throw up the index finger and say "Hang on a sec...I need to answer this".

Yes, I am SO Guilty...of all of it (even though I don't play app games). Slowly the need, the urgent need to be connected, stay connected takes over the quality time that humans need...that we desire...that makes us happy and feel desired. I wasted my time with my family and friends - and I have so little let in the World - by reaching for/looking at/searching for/making sure it's charged/ my phone. G-U-I-L-T-Y!

I am vowing to change this... in me. I will put down my phone more and pick up a pen to write a nice note. I want to call more and text less. I want to blog my thoughts instead of Facebook them. Want to stay connected with me? Then stay connected. I'm not naive to think that I will take an electronic break...but I will begin to value my relationships more in real-life/real-time. I won't continue to be a slave to technology and be bound through lunch or dinner by a phone. I want to hold your hand...both of them...at the same time and stare in your eyes when we talk ~ I want you to want the same things.

I don't want the reality of my relationships to be in a photo montage on Youtube.

Let's hang up the phone and hang on to each other!

Peace

Did You Notice?

I opened up the online news today at lunch and what did my little eyes spy??

My eyes spied something truly liberating! I wondered why I felt a shift in the air...a lightness...a sweetness. And there in black & white I say the words that caused my heart to jump. The eloquently printed words of an obituary....I smiled as I read each one!

There are only a few people in the world that I truly despise because of the abuse and coldness that they brought to my life and the life of my children. The hateful, cold-bloodied, mean-spirited, evil, hearts that dwell within them and the damage that they inflicted, will be a part of us  - a part of our past - for the rest of our lives. I always said that once they began to die off, the rejoicing of freedom can begin!

So, one down....

I should feel sad for the family... find a way to feel sorry for their pain, their grief....

Nope ~ I've got nothing (but a little skip in my step).

Peace~!

Humpty Dumpty

Sometimes I feel a little like Humpty Dumpty. You know..."Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And all of the King's horses and all of the King's men...couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again".

Okay ~ something, like that.

Every stinking time I turn around something on me is falling apart! Be it a liver..my hands, my back, my hearing, or just a flipping hangnail. Its. Always. Something!

Today - my eyes! I knew my vision has worsened over several months and I have been deperately clinging to a little cheap pair of cheaters to see things I want to see. My arm just couldn't get any longer!! My annual exam revealed a need for progressive lenses (cough...hmmm..bifocals...). There is also a teensy pressure  in the right eye that will be monitored. Seriously??

I texted my loving, tolerate husband the update - and the COST (insert the visual if you will: face palm and shaking of the head.....)

Me: "Did you see that I text you that I transferred money for my glasses? Sorry, I didn't expect the expense.."

Him: "Yeah. Saw it. Had to be done. I love u"

Me: "I love you too...Damn aging." (I went on to tell him about the pressure issue....)

Him: " I'm going to have to get you some WD40, duct tape and superglue soon"

Me: "Ha, sounds kinky"

Him: "Your funny".

Yeah...I'm just a riot!

Peace

I'm Lazy and I Know It

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. ~Jules Renard
I have no earthly idea who Jules Renard is (though I'm sure Google can tell me in a click); but I'm just too damn lazy to worry about it. Instead, I just inserted his quote to boost the subject of this post!

I'm generally NOT a lazy person. I don't sleep in, take naps, lounge around on weekends or wait for things to magically happen. No Sir ~ I am not THAT type of lazy (the good kind); I am just a physically lazy individual! Ummm... maybe the right term is "unmotivated".

Potato...potata...Lazy/Unmotivated to get off my growing ass and do anything healthy to make it smaller!

Yea, yea...I've Pinned all of the standard fitness motivation quotes, I've pinned the recipes and the exercise routines. I've even gone so far as to buy some DVDs and new work-out shirts. Still, I can't imagine why in the world I have not lost any weight whatsoever! What more am I supposed to do?
Can't we just do this thing without having to do this thing?

I lay in bed at night and tell myself. "Self, tomorrow morning is the day we get our ass in gear and out of bed at 4:30 am, 5:00 am, 5:30 am, um....5:45 am at 6:00 am and do some working out before I hit the shower at 6:15 am! Got it Girlfriend??? Tomorrow, tomorrow...I love you Tomorrow...."

The problem is that Tomorrow morning comes and goes - then I start a similar dialogue with myself again around noon'ish "Self...as soon as we get home we are gonna change clothes and take a walk/do some yoga/get out those exercise cards. No excuses!" My-self can really be a pain in my ass sometimes. She talks way too much and is constantly nagging me!  Geesh - would you lighten up???

By the time I get home I have already pissed 'my-self' off so much from all of the nagging that I'm not in the mood. Hense the whole vicious cycle starts all over again...and again..

I've heard it (and probably pinned it) that it just starts with a single step....beginning is the place to start....no pain no gain....yada, yada...

Isn't there a suitable tried-and-true expercise plan for the truly lazy woman??

I'll be sure to look that up...

Tomorrow.

Peace!

Happy Step Mother's Day (?)

I NEVER knew there was such a day until this year. Wow...it's about damn time that Step Mothers....the good ones....are given a day of recognition! Does Hallmark make Step-Mothers Day card??

Being a Step Mother is a tough job. I can say with honesty that I have always tried to be a good SM...I loved the kids as my own...treated them as my own and didn't give a rats-ass who birthed them. Even in the frustrating times of trying to win love and acceptance - in the times I threw my hands up and said 'to hell with it - I give up', I just KNEW that this was not the relationship that I expected or knew we would have at the end of the day. I hung in there and continued to love through those tough times...and sometimes it wasn't easy and I other times I just flat didn't want to try anymore. I never disrespected or belittled their time with their other Mothers; I may have had to bite my tongue, but I showed my support. I stood still and never wavered in my desire to love them...and to tell them, show them that, come hell or high water, I wasn't going anywhere and we all just needed to suck it up and love each other! Today I am thankful for those Mothers who gave me the most loving and wonderful children!

I feel saddened for the OTHER Step~Mothers .... the ones who don't embrace the children of their spouse. The SM that seethe bitterness and anger towards the children born to another Mother - in a different time and place. They never 'get it' and therefore miss out of some amazing children. Those mothers lack, and never gain, maturity that comes with unconditional love and acceptance. They miss out on the joys of childhood and the feeling that comes from hugs and laughter. I am happy I never became one of THOSE.

To my Step children (who don't read my blog)...I LOVE YOU ENDLESSLY! Thank you for the hard times...thank you for the good times...thank you for giving me a shot!

Peace

So This is What Quiet Is?

The house is empty, except for me and the two dogs. They are probably sleeping in a closet or on my bed....maybe, definitely. Rich is drilling - I'm alone.

Actually, our youngest son moved away last weekend and for a couple of days, before Rich left for his business trip, for the FIRST time ever....Rich and I experienced what it feels like to live together....alone...just the two of us.

It.Felt.Weird!

The house felt empty and sad...then again, I think it was just us that felt empty and sad. Our home has always been full, or occupied. Voices, laughing, tears, yelling, chatter, questions, answers, hugs. Now....silence. It may take a while to get comfortable with this new feeling; before the place fills up again in a month.

Anywhooo...so Rich traveled this past week for a few days leaving me ALONE.
And I was Ok!
In the past I had real emotional issues with being alone. I think my anxiety and fear of loneliness, of being with myself...by myself....and fighting the demons of grief....has faded.

Today, I feel .... well, I feel just fine. Maybe a little bored with Rich at drill, but I'm not cowered in the corner in tears and my heart in my throat.

It feels wonderful to be at a place I never thought I could reach about 4 1/2 years ago when I started this blog. I'm not sure when I evolved...only that I did and I am so happy.

Did you read that??? I am happy!

Peace!

Mother's Day Reflection

Mother's Day.
I didn't cry yesterday.
I didn't grieve for the amazing woman I no longer have in my life.
I can say a zillion times
(and I do)
that I miss my Mother.
I say often that I will love her eternally
I do...I will
My love is not enough to bring
her back, or to unwind
time.
I carry on - I breath...I love
I focused on my children
my grandchildren
my husband
The life that I am living now.
Because of her.
For her.


Peace

Always Worth the Hassle

Never once in the life of my children did I ever say to myself..."they aren't worth the fight.....not worth the Hassle". These two children God gave me were worth every single fight, every single tear, every single hassle, every single beat of my heart.

Now I'm a grandmother....Grandmama to some amazing grandchildren. My gift from my children. I would lay it all down for these little people...as much as I would for their parents...my children.

I've let my anger simmer recently. My grandson's first birthday celebration was today. What a joy and honor to be a part of that! Another of my grandchildren's grandparent didn't come...he said it wasn't worth the fight...wasn't worth the hassle.  When you look into the eyes of those sweet souls....how can you say that?

I am blessed by my children and grandchildren...they are worth it all.

Peace (to you who will never get it).

Let's Makeup

I am my Mother's daughter through and through. Each and every day I think I become more like her...and I could not be happier. I am forgetful, clumsy, I laugh at everything (now), I can be a bit if a smart airhead, I love butterflies, bright colors, matching, and makeup! That gal was a hell of a woman!

I recently traveled on business and spent plenty of time in observation at airports, rest stops and restaurants. One thing I notice about women is that it seems at some certain age...women seem to give up. Or maybe they did that long ago...or never cared what society thought....but they gave up being concerned about their outward appearance. I found myself looking at women of all ages (I tend to people watch A LOT)....and see the fresh faced younger generation who are beautiful whether they  are "made up" or not. I envy their self confidence and their flawless beauty without any enhancements whatsoever. Then I find myself looking at the mid-aged woman..she tends to go bare faced. Maybe she is tired of the rat-race of makeup and needs to be able to breath her skin. Okay... more power to ya!

But then I notice a trend...the bare face lends itself the ruddy completion that comes with not taking care of the skin through moisturizing..the eyebrows become non-important and unkempt. The pattern turns to long, straight, non-clean-looking hair that it graying and frazzled... followed by clothes that are baggy, saggy and mismatched. I find myself wondering what the spirit and soul of the woman I observe it like. Is she happy? Does she look in the mirror day after day and smile at how she looks? At her self-confidence?  Sometimes, admittedly..and shamefully....I look at her and wonder what the hell is she thinking? She would look so much better if she tweezed her eyebrows...used moisturizer...maybe a light sweep of mascara and a tinted lip balm...didn't wear Crocs as everyday shoes with baggy checkered pants with white socks. Wouldn't she really look amazing with 4 inches cut off and a nice flattering layer cut?

Yes, I judge. But then I think of her boldness. Her "who-the-hell-cares attitude? The I'm-beautiful-just-the-way-I-am personality. I wish I could be as comfortable in my own skin. I long to look at myself, no makeup, non-done hair, casual clothes, fresh and ready to go. I'm not programmed that way, I guess.

Until then, I will continue to channel my inner-Mother and say, bring on the enhancements,

Peace.

I Want a New Drug!

After 23 years on hormone replacements a doctor finally ask the question:
Doc: " Why have you been on the hormones for 23 years?"
Me: "Because no one took me off of them"
Doc: "Hormone replacements are only prescribed for 2-3 years
Me "Well, there is a 2 and a 3 in there....."

So - off the hormones I go. To prevent the emotional slide she gave me a baby-dose of Zoloft. My body started responding well to it and for the FIRST time in a long time....I felt GREAT! I was able to move past grief, depression and I was finally "Living" in my life. I was an actual part of it and I was happy.

• Mid-January I go to my Doc for my annual check-up (to include labs). My liver was a bit screwy. 
• February - retest = higher liver numbers = liver damage. Doc #2: "Stop the Zoloft" Me: "No, but I will slow my intake". 
• March - Retest = lower/still high liver numbers. Doc #2: "Stop the Zoloft, stop the Melatonin (I use for sleep), stop everything. Me: "Ugh......."
• Retest is coming up in a few weeks.

It didn't take long for me to come down from the hormone balance and Zoloft. All of the flat-lined emotions I knew would come...came. I have been very emotionally sensitive, depressed and overall....I feel like I'm in a state of confusion.

Essentially I am crazy, can't sleep, edgy, weepy and I've developed restless limb syndrome in my arms and numbness in my fingers (A Google search indicates the RLS could be brought on by stress).

I want my Zoloft back - or the hormone replacement. The risk? Liver failure or higher risk of blood clots, breast cancer and stroke.

Sounds just peachy, huh?

So ..... here I am. Not sure where HERE is.

I want a new drug!

Peace (please)

Oh Yeah..Now I Remember

That yucky..blah feeling. A headache that rides on the edges of pain and throbbing....but not quite there yet. That fluttering in the stomach that is unsure of being hungry or just nauseous.

The day that comes from the night before.

Hello old feeling..buddy...pal. I can't say that I missed you ... not sure why I even invited you to the party.

Now I remember why I gave up drinking.

Peace.

Familiar Waiting

The beige sterile ways are surrounding me..the typical waiting room chairs...the smell of sickness and healing waft through the corridors. The faces of concerned family and lived ones are everywhere.

It's all familiar...not the same but almost. I try to protect my mind from going back to that day in March five years ago.

Did I just say that?
Five years ago??

I don't want to go back to those long days and nights when daddy had a heart attack and the nightmare began. Like my cousin's and uncle around me, I recognize the stunned look of fear mixed with faith. I pray for a successful outcome...and not the outcome we had so many years ago. I wouldn't wish that on anyone that I care about.

My aunt is in surgery now to repair a broken pacemaker. There are many odds against her. She is my mom's youngest sister.

Peace.

The Way We Were

I miss the way we used to be and the friendship we formed over lip liner in the driveway of your new home. I miss the part of us that would laugh and talk about the kids, jobs and life in general. We never were the 'hang out' kind of friends that included shopping and 'girl time'..but we were friends.
 I considered us close friends. Best friends.

Along the way we lost our way. Now, it's awkward. Like acquaintances without a history instead of who were used to be together. We are new people today....different...changed. Changed by life, circumstance. How did that happen? We dance on the surface of conversation, never knowing who is leading or what the steps are.

It's like we forgot how to dance. How to laugh. How to trust.

Just so you know - I notice it.

Peace

Tending to My Own Garden

I have a bad habit that needs to be broken.

I tend to tend to other people's business....I worry about the decisions they make, the debt they have, who they are sleeping with, where they are going, what their pet is doing, where their kids are and what they are doing, how their vacation is going, are they enjoying X.Y.Z.

When really....what others do is none of my damn business!

I guess I just want to take it upon myself to ensure that everyone is healthy, happy and essentially doing well.

Instead of using my time and nose on other people - I vow moving forward to not really give a rat's ass what they are doing. I don't care if my 'friend' is having an affair with her best friend's boyfriend... or that Betty & Joe just bought a new car...or if the folks down the road got a herd of cattle...or how such & such can afford to have their kitchen overhauled. I do not live their lives and what they do does not impact my life one ioda! I don't care what decisions people outside of my family make....And I need to just let my give a damn rest!!

It's time that I just S-T-O-P!! Just S-T-O-P!

My little circle of focus and care is small and getting smaller every day. All I need to do is spend my energies on my own home & family and let everyone else do their own thing....in their own way...on their own dime...and in their own time.

So....today I vow - No More!

Whew - I feel lighter already!

We're Moving!

We are moving.

A new house.

A new space.

A new town (maybe?).

A new "do over"!

The only problem is that we don't know when...we don't know where. We just know that we WANT to! "They" say making a decision is half the battle - so, we are half way there then!

We look around our home and we know that it has served it's purpose; but it's time to pack it in and move on. We are still a couple (at the most) years away from flight...but it's coming! Rich & I spend our spare time driving around looking at house, property, ideas. We scoure the real estate books, design websites and atlas. We are gearing up for something where we can put our ideas into shape... and we are excited to have a dream...and a goal.

Yep....we are moving (one day).

Peace!

Time to Cut & Run

I have a friend (no, really....I do), who I have considered a good friend, though not a CLOSE friend. Nonetheless, a friend. I respected her as a friend and have had the opportunity to 'be there' and help her when she has needed me; whether financially, emotionally or just a ride to the store.

So this friend - I have recently found out from said friend - has severely betrayed another friend. When I say SEVERELY, I mean she has engaged - is engaging - in an affair with the 10-year boyfriend/fiancee of one of her closest friends. When she told me about the 'relationship' she seemed very nonchalant about the whole thing and how her friend has upset with her now. Really? WTF? When I say they were close friends, I mean that they hung out together, traveled together, talked...they were like best friends. How does it happen that she can so easily burn her best friend by 'taking'her best friend's guy?

I cannot throw stones and wouldn't, but this really bothered me. Would I feel this way if she was dating (sleeping with) another seemingly married guy that is outside of her circle of close friends - I don't know. But right now I feel...different about her. I've made my share of bad choices but I have never encroached on the significant other of a friend...they are off limits F-O-R-E-V-E-R. It's in the handbook! Girlfriends just don't do that to their girlfriends.

I see her in a whole new light - like I don't even know this person at all....and I really don't want to continue my friendship with her. If she can so blatantly betray her closest friend...she would certainly throw me under the bus - not by sleeping with my husband (never in a zillion years would I be concerned about THAT), but I no longer feel trusting of her as a friend; even a friend at our current level.

It's sad...and....just....sad.

Peace.

The Just Like PB&J

My honey and I have been together pushing 17 years in May. It's been a long, sometimes bumpy, exhilarating ride over the years....yet, I have to clear that it's been truly wonderful. (go ahead and throwup at the 'cuteness'...it's okay...I understand).

He G-E-T-S me...he never wants me to be anyone other than who I am (maybe a little less messy at times, and he wants me to help him make the bed (his way) without rolling my eyes). Ummm...I'm sure he would want me to pick up my shoes off the closet floor and hang my clothes up on the hangers...oh, and not leave my hair stuff all over the vanity.

He loves that I am clumsy to a fault....that I have an extensive 'getting ready for bed' routine that keeps me looking beautiful  :)... He loves that I have to shave my legs every single day (and has done it for me on occassion when I couldn't do it for myself). He loves that I have little cute feet, and loves that I have a freckle on the side of one foot. He loves that have an infinate need for my eye brow pencils, lipstick, eye drops and kleenex 24 hours a day...7 days a week! He loves that life stops if I can't find (or forget to pack) my eye brow pencil, lipstick, eye drops or kleenex; to which he will stop at nothing to help me rectify an potentially dangerous event!  He loves that I dance like a 'white' girl with no rythum and groove whatsoever (you know you do!!!!). He loves that I love to read and crochet and that I can throw down party food with the best of caterers! He (secretly) loves that my body becomes a human fireball in bed, which makes for a very hot and sweaty sleeping experience. I think he even loves that I need help shopping for clothes in order to prevent a full-on ugly panic attack.

At any rate - he loves me and I am one lucky gal! We are PB&J, Eggs & Grits, Jack & Coke, Tea & Sugar, Moon & the Stars, Bacon & Everything......we go together.... we fit together.

I'm not sure what  did to get so lucky...or Blessed.

I'm not gonna question it!

Peace

I Can Finally Tell my Story...

I read a quote once upon a time that went like this:

"When you can tell your story without crying, you know you have healed"

For four years I couldn't tell my story with crying. I could get the story of the "after" me out without my heart gripping my chest and tears bursting out of me. I was a hot mess! Even when I sat alone...in my closet...on my stool, I would fall to pieces as I replayed my story in my own head. Gradually I was able to practice emotionally detaching myself from myself  - and talk about my loss and grief like it was the story of an outsider. I didn't wallow in it intentionally, although maybe sometimes it seemed that way - I was just so incredibly lost and the grief was familiar to me so I stayed there. Deep down I was afraid that if I let it go it mean that I let 'them' go.

A strange ephiphany hit me yesterday while driving home from my sister's house. I actually said the words - out loud - that it's over, I have healed. It's like stepping into a new world that has colors, and trees, and flowers. It felt like the taste of chocolate ice cream and smelled like Buttercups. I recognized the sheer joy of feeling...well, sheer joy...again.

Somehow and at some point the veil of grief fell away and I didn't even realize it was happening.

I think in some ways grief starts out like a heavy, black-out drapery (like at the fancy hotels) - light can't get in or out. Once the drapes are pulled there is a feeling of total isolation; its a safe place to be when nothing looks familiar anymore and you are completely lost. I stayed there for a couple of years until I was able to pull back the blackout drapery and keep the light-filtering curtain closed. I could peek out whenever I wanted to - and it suit me - but I always went back there. I lived in that room for a while.

It must have been slowly creeping open without me knowing it ~  because suddenly I felt as though I was awakened by the bright lights of the morning/mourning sun and the curtains were wide open. I raised my arms, took a deep breath and lifted my face to the warmth of the rays. I could see everything so bright and clear and I wasn't sad. I wasn't scared.

I know in my heart that I have finally pushed through to living life again....really living in the moments...in the light. I can't promise that I have cried my last tear for them..but they won't be filled with grief.

I have a story and I can tell it now.

Peace.

Every Day...Every Night.....

I was thinking yesterday - I KNOW......that's a dangerous thing for me to do, especially when I'm driving to work. It's like rubbing my head and patting my stomach at the same or walking and chewing gum at the same time....it can get pretty scary when I think!

But.... I was thinking yesterday about my kids. REALLY thinking about them. I revisited glimpses of their childhoods and who they are today; and where I hope they are in the future. I realized in those moments how extremely genuinely proud I am of them and how blessed Rich and I are by them every single day. How did we get so luck that we have the four amazing kids that we do. None of their lives were on a Norman Rockwell-level...far from idyllic - but in spite of us...they grew to be caring, loving, smart, funny, driven and responsible adults. Despite the screwing up, the long talks with tears that Rich and I cried at night, the fear that we would all need straight-jackets, anti-depressants and extensive therapy, and the mental exhaustion - our kids made it relatively whole. Maybe a few nics and scratches here and there...but they made it!

My heart is so full of love for our children...every day...every night.

That's my proud Mom moment!

Peace!

And The Beat Goes On

When the doctor laid first laid a little tiny person in my arms and told me I had to take him home with me....I was beyond scared. I was just a kid not far beyond my 18th birthday. I'd only had my driver's license for less than 2 years - I hadn't even voted yet. What if I broke him?

What were they thinking?

Yet, here it is almost 30 years later and he still has all of his major body parts. A scratch hear and there but relatively still intact. His sister came along two years later, and by then I thought I had it all fiigured out! How difficult could one more be? It didn't take long to find out - and it didn't take long to figure it out! She was, and always has been, a pistol and a half - her own person inside and out! She is still as beautiful as the day she was born - just a heck of a lot taller!

My husband gave me a son 17 years ago to care for - he was the cutest little bug at 7 years old when I met him at Walmart. Rich sure knew how to play the I've-got-a-cute-kid card along with the I'm-a-hard-working-single-dad card...I fell hook, line and sinker in love with both of them! Another benefit was another son on the west coast. I wouldn't meet him for several years later but my heart was already his and I hoped one day his would be mine.

It's been a marriage of ups and downs; mostly ups. Rich and I did our best to raise all of our children to be successful in their own right, responsible, loving & caring adults. We ended up doing just what we set out to do - or they ended up that way in spite of us.

Our youngest is getting ready to finally leave the nest and fly into his future with everything he has. As his mother I still see him as that little boy. Recently he was telling me about his plans and that it was time for him to follow his dream and go -  I caught myself for the first time looking at my son and realizing that he had grown up. He was an adult now...a grown man. How and when did that happen? Where did it all go?

The heartbeats that were once strong and loud when we were one big crazy family - the time when money was slim and we talked around the dining room table, had bonfires in the backyard, traveled together, and just lived....grow fainterwith each passing into adulthood. A sign that my husband and I have done the best we could with what we had...and most of the time all we had had was love beyond measure for our children. It's also a sign that we are getting older as they get older and half of our life is over. For now...our hearts continue to beat for the joy of seeing who our children have and are becoming; for the families they have and will have. It goes on - long after we are gone.

Peace.

The Long Way Home

Spending time over the weekend with my childhood best friend was ah-mazing. As we laughed and talked about the simple life in the sleepy little town of our youth, I walked away longing to go back Home.

Just one more time.

I want to pull into the driveway again and step up the rickety stairs on the side of  "the house" and walk into the Kitchen. I want to sit around the kitchen table with my mother and talk over gallons of coffee...to hear my daddy's commanding laugh over some ridiculous television show. I want to go back to my childhood and replay the years spent straddling the floor furnace to get warm on early school mornings - eight scrawny legs and one weenie dog lined up over the furnace to warm our buns.

I want to wait with legs crossed to use the one tiny bathroom; I want to stand in my bedroom door and watch my mother put on her makeup in the hallway mirror. To slid down the back yard hill when it snows; to sit at the top in the Spring when I wanted to be alone and contemplate life. I want to hang upside down from the front porch rails again, do cartwheels in the front yard, scourer the lawn for four-leaf clovers and lie on the front sidewalk and look at the star. My feet yearn to walk the path again to the rec center to swim in the summers, and to trod the familiar streets to school; to walk the through the rooms of that little house and feel the years, memories and sadness once again.

I want to relive the hugs, the kisses, the groundings, and a couple of the spankings (okay, maybe not so much that). I want to go fishing again with Daddy on Saturday and taste Mama's taco salad after church on Sunday. I want to feel their lips on mine as only a parent kisses their child.

I want to go back to that last Thanksgiving...that last month.

The house that raised me...that raised my children...that loved me.

I want those years back knowing what I know now. I won't take advantage of it - I will breath it in and wrap myself up in everything that house and those years had to offer. I would pay attention to the details and try my damnest to commit every single second to permanent memory.

Just.Once.More.

Back Home.

Peace.

The Sisterhood of Us

Miles...life...years...circumstance.

Those are the things that stood in the place of our our youth and our mid-adulthood. Yesterday I picked up an amazing woman that, although I feel as I've known her my whole life - we spent almost two hours in the car meeting, greeting and sharing. As we arrived at our destination, we had become best friends who share a best friend.

Here we were... three women bonded by friendship and the remembrance of innocence ...youth...history. Over wine, pizza, coffee and cheesecake we solidified the relationship we had longed for and needed. We laughed, we cried, we talked, we listened, we empathized/sympathized and opened wide the doors of honesty, pain and grief. My goodness...how cleansing that was! To speak without fear or judgement, to listen with honesty and compassion - to be truly heard and seen!

As the hours eased into a new day we took to our sleeping corners and rested. When the sun rose and the coffee brewed, we each found our way to our beautiful host's king-size bed where we laid for hours talking and laughing all over again. Three grown women - scarred by life's daggers but oblivious to messy hair, dark eye circles, weight, gray hair, wrinkles or cellulite. We were transformed into three giggly girls from 35 years ago - it was a beautiful 24 hours!

So, my friends...my sisterhood...my yaya's....I am changed by your friendship. Thank you!

Peace

Really???

I actually spent time on the airport writing an amazing....witty....engaging post that i planned to post once I landed and got to wi-fi.

No, its not this one. Its the one that didn't save to "draft" and it disappeared.

:/

Taking it Old School

Sometimes the best friendships in life are found in the friendships from the past...the ones formed in innocence and nutured in life's experiences. Recently I have been encouraged and strengthened by a 'best-friend'ship from my youth. She and I were inseperable when we were in junir high and high school; even through the initial year after high school - until life, distance and more life took us down different paths. This was back in days before cell phones and internet and the only affordable means of communication was an occassional letter across the miles. As with the way things happen, we lost touch and we lost the bond that we had when we promised to be best friends forever (BFF).

I've had a couple of 'best friends' over these past 25 years. Some that I couldn't imagine my life without until they were gone or faded away into their own lives and no longer needed me. I'm a firm believer that people come in and out our lives for different reasons - to add to who we are and in turn, take what you add to theirs. I would not be the ME I am today without each and every 'girlfriend' I had in my life.

Life came full circle not long ago and my BFF are back together. Its exciting to know there is 25 years of life that we have yet to discover about each other - and years of life to share together moving forward. The bond is still there...it's was never broken; only stretched to allow others in and life to happen.

Peace.

Tipping the Wagon....

I often referred to myself as a 'casual' drinker. You know the kind... you/I go to the doctor and they ask the whole series of questions about your/my habits:

"Do you smoke?" - No.
"Have you ever smoked"? - Yes.
"Do you drink"? - Yes.
"How much would you say you drink"? - Occassionally, maybe a couple of glasses of wine a week.

The part I flub on is that my 'occassionally' was almost every-single-night.

Seriously!

I have made it 8 whole days without a drink!

I thought because I drank 'occassionally' that it would be a breeze to just...S-T-O-P. It hasn't been. I used to be an 'occassional' smoker too; never 'hooked' and could 'stop whenever I felt like it' (and did off & on for many years). That ended up being a tough habit to break!

When you first stop something (not a cigarrette has passed my lips in more than 5-6 years!!!) that becomes a habit, you/I consciously think about it every day...all day. At work I start to psych myself up for when I go home to not drink. When I'm home I find myself physically talking Me through many 'withdrawel' moments until I go to bed.

And eating??? Oh my word! I have been eating non-stop at home! Instead of reaching for a glass of wine or other alcoholic treat out of bordom or habit, I am constantly rummaging through the cabinets to find something else to fill the gap!!

So to say I have made it through 8 days...may not seem like a lot; trust me when I say - it.is.a.big.accomplishment!

On to Day 9!

Peace!

And....It's Cold and I'm Whiny!

Can I just say for the record (not sure whose record...maybe just mine) that I HATE COLD WEATHER! When you live in Alabama, where we usually have four seasons a year - cold winter weather is almost the worst one! Even when it's cold the humidity cuts right through to the bone! You almost can't come back to a normal body temperature once it hits your core!

How cold is it??

It's the kind of cold where I wish that if it's going to be this cold...snow already!!! Give us something to be cold about! Geesh Mother Nature! Then again, we can't handle snow flurries! Awww, Lawd...the World done gone and got crazy if a snow flake falls up in here! People forget how to drive, the schools close three days in advance, and there is a mad dash on the Piggly Wiggly for bread, milk and eggs (you know, for french toast!)! As it is, yesterday - F-R-I-D-A-Y, the schools announced a 2-3 hour delay for M-O-N-D-A-Y......are we expecting a blizzard??? No - just 8 degrees temperatures! Seriously, delayed just because its 'going' to be cold! Yep, folks....you have heard it all now!

It's hard to whine about 23 degrees right now when our friends up North are digging out of 8 feet of snow with no sign of reprieve! But, I still find a way to do it!





Peace (and warm tasty toes)

Hello 2014!

I cannot believe it is January 1, 2014! Where did 2013 go and how in hell did I get here? Looking back over the milestones, memories, sadness and excitement that came with 2013, I can honestly say that I've come a long way Baby! I didn't accomplish all that I wanted (or said I would a year ago); but I'm not so far from where I want to be either.

Have I made any resolutions? Not really resolutions - just decisions:

• I decide to be happy and know that it's okay - that I'm okay.
• I decide to begin living and stop living in my grief.
• I decide to take whatever measures necessary to lower my blood pressure so I can come off my medication.
• I decide to find ways to move my body that do not include sweating at a gym at 4:30 in the morning.
• I decide to love and respect myself and not depend on others' perception of me to drive my self-respect/self-esteem.
• I decide to love my husband more every single day.
• I decide to be present in the lives of my children and grandchildren.
• I decide to be the friend that I would want.
• I decide to admit that I feel I have a problem with alcohol...that I depend on it...that I anticipate that first drink after work...that I hate the feeling (emotionally and physically) the next morning - most mornings....that I'm unhealthy from the alcohol weight.
• I decide to stop drinking alcohol. Period.
• I decide to embrace my age and do it gracefully (but with a great dye job and makeup)!
• I decide to choose....

Peace